Sunday, August 06, 2006


I'm leaving the country for a while. We need to get away.

Going to the other side of the world... hopefully for a spiritual renewal for not only me but my entire family.



AttemptingthePath said...

have a good one!

Samantha said...

How fun!! Have a great trip!

tofupatti said...

Dude, this is a response to a previous topic but I feel the need to share with you what I’ve learned. I’m 33, gay, mormon, not active in church.

You can’t really expect that your wife will understand the wandering eye. It would not matter if you were looking at boys, girls, old men, or old women because it would still hurt her feelings. The issue is not that you are looking at men but that you are looking at someone other than her. Taking gender out of the equation.. her beliefs and actions speak that she belongs to you, and you have promised to belong to her. You wondered if it would ever be ok to talk about the men you think are beautiful but do you think “straight” couples have those conversations regularly? Really the rules are all the same, just because one of you is gay does not change the rules. Cute boys are something friends discuss; not something whispered between lovers. The golden rule applies in gay relationships as well as straight relationships. I’m a man and if you were my lover and always wanting to point out how beautiful so many other men are I’d get damn tired of it. Now that being said, if your arrangement was established with different rules from the get go it would be another story but since it is not change will be slow and painful if it is at all possible.

Hot 40 year olds? When I was 26 I met a man 16 years my senior and fell in love with him. A year later we moved in together and lived as partners for years. Careers, family, and school pulled us in different directions but he was HOT! He took care of himself, worked out all the time, and was by far the best lover I’ve ever had. I can’t stress how hot the man was, even when we parted ways I still found him very sexy (he was 47/48 by then). Hot/sexy is really a state of mind and has more to do with taking care of yourself and being happy in your own skin. For instance Robert Redford is like 70 years old in a couple days and still sexy because it is internal. It might feel that you are trying to gain or re-gain something you might have lost but you will never find that in someone else you must find that in yourself.

All of the answers we need are inside our own selves, we can’t expect wives, husbands, church, or lovers to make us whole people. Having sex with a 22 year old is not going to change the way you feel about yourself. Only you can change the way you see yourself and it takes more work than you can imagine. You need to find a good therapist and I suggest a non-mormon. I had two mormon therapists and they were a little too interested in the party line. My non-mormon therapist seemed much more interested in helping me to divine my own truth and also respected my spiritual beliefs. Never once did he tell me to abandon my religion or beliefs only to be true to myself.

I know some of this sounds a little harsh, but I don’t believe in beating ‘round the bush because it is hiding the truth. Being a gay mormon is damn hard business. I never married or had children but it could only make things more complicated. I applaud your desire and work to maintain normality especially with your family. Live in honesty and dignity and you will never go wrong.

-L- said...

Hey Beck, how's everything? You can't still be in paradise, can you? Hope all is well with you.

Beck said...

tofupatti: I don't know if you'll read this as so much time has expired... but I wanted to thank you for the slap in the face. I read your comment from an internet cafe on the other side of the world and though I didn't have time to respond then, it gave me much to think about.

I have been cheating on my wife in my desires and I'm working on correcting that. I need to explain, however, that I am using my blog to articulate feelings that I would never share or articulate elsewhere. It is my internal debate about 22 year old guys that is going on inside - and this debate on my blog page is for me to work feelings out... I'm not going to go cruising with my wife, nor would I want to.

Anyway, I'm glad you're out there and contributing and hope you'll contribute again. I appreciate your viewpoint and it's made me think. Thanks for the wake-up call!