Saturday, October 22, 2011

One last wish...

I love autumn!

Truth be told, I love all the seasons and look forward to each one. I certainly can imagine life lived without the changing of distinct extreme seasons, but I don't know that I could live such a life, even as spectacular as the tropical paradise may be.

There is something magical about the blazing beauty of the brilliant leaves caught in that brief moment of full jaw-dropping splendor, particularly with the low-angle sunlight of a fall late afternoon. Such a light caught the mountains out my window for such a micro-moment. I snapped a couple of shots before it was gone - a burst of color, of life shouting like the Whos in Whoville that it is still here all around us and to embrace it, wake up and notice and be thrilled, even touched by the spirituality of the miracle of life's cycles.

A few days ago I noted this comic in the paper and it gave me reason to pause...

I wonder! Yes, I still wonder if it is possible for me, once my "work is done", after I've done my duty and played my part well, that I will "get one last wish" to be what I "really want to be". I have a resilient hope that this is still the case. This hope is resilient, but maybe foolish.

I have chosen my path... and thus, this is my color, hidden behind securely closed doors, lacking the brilliance that can only be found in being seen in the sunlight. Is it too late? Some readers, as I've found out in recent comments, actually follow my slow pace of change, are still hoping, still awaiting that day when I get that "one last wish" to show my true colors. At this stage of life, is that really practical? Even possible?

I firmly believe that none of us is a finished product. We are all a work in progress, and that work is not finished. There is still time for improvement... there is still time to be better, to open the door, to come forth.

I sat on a plane yesterday and had a very interesting conversation with a fellow stranger - something I don't readily do, being much more intent to keep to myself, read, organize thoughts or sleep. But he was much more interested in having a conversation with me. He told me of his life, of travelling all over the globe on business, of being once a member of the church, of being recently divorced, and of having lost his daily connection with his kids. It was easy for me to tell him that it wasn't yet finished... there is always hope, and that none of us is a finished product - we still have much to do to be better.

He responded that I had touched his life, that he was going to give it some thought and re-investigate his options and look forward to finding spirituality and enlightenment again in his life.

I have pondered how easy it is for me to encourage others, but how hard it is to encourage myself, particularly when I face these inner struggles of authenticity consistently bubbling to the surface.

Will I allow my inner colors to shine? Will I see that living in darkness will never permit the real "me" to be seen in the light? And is that okay? Or really, in reality, it's just too late?... Winter is coming and that's reality.


naturgesetz said...

The question is, what is the real you? Could the dutiful person you are now be the real you.

I know that there are longings, but is satisfying them necessary to be the real you.

In my own case, I made the choice to be the real me by remaining celibate all my life. Unfortunately, for many years I didn't know how to develop an intimate non-sexual friendship. I'm beginning to take some small steps in that direction, and I hope that I will achieve some sort of true closeness, but I would be very disappointed in myself if I got into a sexual relationship, because I don't think that would be the real me, however pleasurable it might be.

Beck said...

NATURGESETZ: Interesting thoughts, indeed. Yes, I've thought about the real me, and that I am the dutiful, committed guy. The real me loves my family, my wife, and the life we've created together. The real me is constant.

I have made my choice. I am committed. I'm trying hard to not look back. I'm just not able to move on, to be comfortable with who I am to let it go, to let it be, to just not look back.

The longing is just as much a constant, and maybe that's me, too. I just hate the yearly debate of the "what if".

I would be disappointed in myself if non-sexual friendship became sexual. I would just like to have non-sexual friendships, period that know and love me with me being me - but right now, in my current situation, that just isn't possible - thus the continuing longing that bubbles up.

A simple comic strip in the paper triggers so many thoughts... how stupid is that?

Anonymous said...

I know I am being the real me when my overall sense is one of peace. Strangely enough the real me comes through the most when I am most vunerable; too vunerable to keep defenses up. That's when I revert to what is most natural because I am too stressed or overwhelmed to do anything else. And my intuition always speaks loud loud and clear. At first I ignored it because I didn't know what it was. Then I ignored my intuition because it didn't make logical sense. Then I ignored it because I wasn't ready, still am not, to deal with the consequences of following it.


Neal said...

Heavenly Father sees the real you, and all the colors that entails...doesn't that count for something?

robert said...

Hi Beck,
I've been a pretty loyal follower of your journey. I think what Phillip alludes to is "the still small voice" known to some faiths and "intuition" to others. In my opinion, we have already been given our answers. We must continue to relearn lessons we have not yet learned...repeat and repeat until...well...learned.

One question I have pondered about LDS theology is the concept of the "Heavenly Father" as Neil speaks of him. My question: Who or What is "Heavenly Father" according to the LDS Church?

Is this an actually "Being" in the form of a man? Where does he exist? On this plane of existence or in another? On another planet? What does the Church say on this matter? Or is the term a metaphor for the "Unknowable"?

It seems the way it is often used by Mormons is highly personified like an actual person in the room.

Anonymous said...

Oh, yes...repeat, repeat until learned. Revisiting the same question over and over again is a big hint that whatever decision I made is not taking; not because I don't want it to but because it is not the right decision for me. My intuition often gives me the answer that is right for me (but not necessarily right for others) that points me in the right direction even if it is not the easiest path for me to follow. I have learned the hard way to listen to my intuition when it comes to important life decisions. I think intuition somehow fills in the blanks in logic with the correct emotional information about what is right for a person.


naturgesetz said...

Perhaps you will find this encouraging.

I hope so.

And I hope you will find friendships that will be satisfying for the real you. Don't lose hope.

Beck said...

PHILIP: Ignoring my intuition is something I'm very good at. Maybe because in this regard, it is contrary to what I consider my "core values". Those values may not be as "core" as I thought if they keep fighting my "core".

Thus, the repeat, repeat, repeat, until something in the cycle actually sticks.

Yet, isn't this cycle something like the definition of "insanity"?

Beck said...

NEAL: Does HF really see me in my full potential? If so, then why are my full colors hidden?

ROBERT: The "still small voice" is real. I feel it. I hear it. I know it is more than my intuition. I've felt when the harmony of my life with my intuition, as Philip comments, is in sync with the still small voice, then I know I'm on the right path. It's when they are not synchronized that I feel so disconnected.

Who is HF? Well that is really a subject that can't be answered in this little comment box, but for me, he is a "he", a "father", a "divine, perfect, eternal, loving father". I can't think of God otherwise.

NATUR: I will look at the link. I don't mean to imply that "life isn't fair". I have a great life, even though it may not be "in harmony" with all aspects of who I am. I do hope to find more friendships that appreciate, know and cherish the "full me", but for now, I'm still doing my "duty" and staying a green leaf... my splendid full colors not shown just yet. The changing of the season is still sometime ahead.

I haven't lost hope! There is ALWAYS hope! I hope...

Sean said...

You're true colors are showing every single day. You just don't realize it. Keep being true to yourself and your believes. I firmly believe that if you do that, then you'll become even more beautiful.

Anonymous said...


My apologies for being so graphic.

I think I have gotten better at recognizing my intuition over time.

I don't ignore my intuition anymore and regret not listening to it earlier before I complicated my life by marrying.

When I was young, I didn't believe in intuition; I thought it was a wife's tale. So when I had feelings that seemed to come out of nowhere and contradicted what the world was telling me and did not seem based on rational thinking, I ignored those feelings.

I was basically a virgin when I married and the act of sexual intercourse woke up my sex drive. Prior to marriage, I was hard up. After marriage, I had to have it and have it right now. The problem was that I kept feeling that way no matter how much sex I was having. And it just kept getting crazier.

My intuition that I had previously been able to ignore became more persistent despite the fact that I was fighting with all my might what my intuition was steering me to.

The more I ignored it, the more persistent my intuition became until the feelings morphed into thoughts. At first the voice expressing these thoughts was so quiet that I could barely hear it but as I continued to ignore it the voice got louder and louder and was eventually screaming at me.

By the point, the screaming voice started to speed up until eventually it was so rapid that my mind felt like it was in a wind tunnel.

So, my experience is that the little voice was my intuition ignored until it was forced to scream to be heard.


Beck said...

SEAN: So good to see you here! And I'm grateful for your confidence in my inner beauty showing its true colors... I just don't feel I'm doing that very well. I'm trying to be me, but there is always the disconnect. But I will keep trying as you suggest.

Beck said...

PHILIP: My "little voice" typically remains little, quiet, subtle, but occasionally it screams and awakens me with thoughts and feelings that have remained hidden under the surface. These cyclical moments force me to listen, to pay attention, to process and reason and think and ponder, and then they diminish and settle into the quiet mode again, and I move on... I just don't ever really connect and progress, unless I can consider the true life-stopping angst is no longer part of the cycle as progress.

Regarding sex and marriage, well... it was an awakening - to the fact that I didn't connect as I thought I would. It was awkward and difficult and soon became stressful. You would have thought that I would have got a clue, but the voice of intuition was too subtle, too quiet.

I don't know where this is going but thanks for getting me to ponder and "listen".