In the parable of the Prodigal Son, it was recently pointed out to me how the son demanding his inheritance while his father was still alive, was wishing that his father were literally dead. Despite that ill-will being wished upon him from his son, the father went ahead and gave his son his portion and he took his leave of all that his father had offered him.
I have been pondering this and can't get over the ability of this father to go ahead and let his son go. How does a parent do that? How does a father watch his son walk away, turning his back on his father and all that he stands for and believes?
And yet, that same father stands "watch" ever looking for the return of that son. It was the father who was doing that very thing, being the first to "run" to him and fall upon him at his return, symbolizing that he had never given up on that son no matter how terminal their relationship seemed to others.
I am entering a similar situation, and I don't know that I'm as loving as this scriptural father. I keep asking myself how this situation has become mine. Where did it come from? Why does a child no longer cherish or honor that which we believe as a family and what we believe we are eternally? How does a parent act when a child demands no part of the family, disrespects his mother and father, and moves forward on distancing himself from all that has to do with family, church, and all that goes with both?
I have gone through a lot of self-doubt, angst, and pain regarding my sexual orientation and all that that has brought into my marriage, my family, and my belief system. It has been a lonely journey, filled with guilt, confusion and doubt. But, I find myself coming out on the other end of this journey with self-acceptance, clarity and belief.
So, if I can make it through this journey, keeping my family together, and marriage even stronger, how now can I watch a child despise all that I am and believe and wish nothing more to do with what I hold sacred, and want to walk away, his inheritance in his pocket?
How does one respond to this? Can I "love" unconditionally as the Prodigal Son's father, always looking on the horizon for his return? Can I "never give up hope" when things seem so hopeless? Can I just watch this happen and not do anything about it? Should I force him to stay, to love us, to participate in church, to believe? Can anyone force another to believe when belief is gone and not even any desire remains? How do you restore a desire in one's heart when there is none? Is that proverbial flame ever fully snuffed out? extinguished? Why do I feel myself all of a sudden becoming a mighty fan of that pre-mortal alternate plan where I will "make him" obey and bring him back safe and sound in the end under my patriarchal wing whether he wants to be there or not?
Am I just proud, angry at how this is reflecting on me?
Do I love him enough to let him go?
I know this gay-gig has had belief-shattering and hope-struggling moments, but this new chapter(that I know many readers have gone through)has me shattering and struggling all over again...
Any advice?
28 comments:
My brother has gone thru this with one of his sons. Not sure how old yours is, but there comes a point where there is really nothing you can do. They're old enough to make decisions and too old to be "forced" to do things.
So you're left with setting an example, loving unconditionally, and drawing boundary lines as to what you will and will not tolerate in your home. None of it is easy.
The other question to ask is, 'What brought him to this state?' Maybe knowing the 'why' will point the way to possible answers. And then again, maybe not. HF lost 1/3 of His children to Lucifer's wiles right out of the gate, and there was no "answer" to that situation, other than to cast them out. I know - it sucks.
Honestly I don't know what I would do in your position.
I would probably do a lot of things wrong before finding something that worked.
But I am guessing that I would keep trying until I found some kind of solution.
I know I am not the right person to help you. The right person for you is someone that has already been there, made all the mistakes, knows what works and doesn't work. Someone that can give you an idea of what you might be up against.
But nonetheless I still have a few thoughts even if I am speaking out of ignorance.
First, is it possible that things may get resolved given a little time? In other words, is it possible that things are not as bad as they seem?
Second, and I probably don't even need to say it, but I would make sure that my son knows how much I love him and that I will never stop loving him no matter what.
Third, if possible I would want to know in the clearest terms possible what my son's perspective on what the problem is and what, if anything, can be done to correct it.
Fourth, I would leave no stone left unturned. For instance, if my son has not turned away from a relative then I would look to this relative for help.
Fifth, I would wonder what is not being said; if there is an underlying problem hidden from the rest of us. For instance, if he has a problem with my sexuality, I would wonder if he is having issues of his own to do with sexuality.
Lastly, I would get creative. If thing don't resolve soon, time to brainstorm.
Hoping the best for you.
Regards,
Philip
I'm not sure I understand what the situation is. Is it that your son wants to leave the Church and you've had arguments about it? If that's the case, I'd say the best thing for you to do is give him your full support and keep the relationship with him strong. You love him as much as ever. Let him know this. He is an adult now and must find his own way. If he wants to come back to the Church in the future, he will.
It really breaks my heart to see how often the Church, which is ostensibly family oriented, becomes the source of division within families. Don't let this happen to your family! I think you may owe your son an apology.
My parents went through this with me as I was graduating from BYU, and now with my brother as he graduates high school.
I think it's important for you to remember that your value to your children is more than just that you've taught them the gospel and raised them in the church. Remove those things and you still have a relationship.
It sounds like your son wants to take the church out of the equation; find other things you can anchor your relationship in.
My younger brother just moved out of my parents' house. Not sure how their relationship with him is going to turn out. I remember that when I was eighteen, though, I was terribly angry at my parents; now, at twenty-two, I'm terribly glad they didn't get huffy and shut me out when I went prodigal.
Just some thoughts.
NEAL: I know I can't force him to do anything at this point, but I still feel like I want to force him, to shake him up and wake him out of his trance... but I guess I have to allow him to find his own way... it's just hard to step back and allow it to happen, and it's not obvious where my influence can serve the best.
PHILIP: You are so wise - are you sure you haven't gone through this already? Let's take each point one at a time:
1. Overreaction: Yes, that is possible. I could be overreacting and this may resolve itself into a situation that isn't as bad as it currently feels. I will try to be patient and give it some time and space.
2. Love: Yes, I have not lost the power of love and will love him unconditionally - really - no matter what. I feel confident in that.
3. What's the problem?: I wish he would talk. He doesn't say much, is withdrawn and pulling away from us. I don't know whether this is a phase, an effort to be more independent, or what, but he certainly likes taking handouts, living off of us, and taking all that he can from us. That may sound insensitive... again perspective - I have tried to get him counseling, therapy, even psychiatric help. Some medications are helping but he's not interested in therapy... still need to find the source of the problem.
4. Relative?: He has turned from the rest of the family as well... even "defriending" his sisters. He has few friends, and those he has have nothing to do with us.
5. Hidden problem: I have opened up to him about my sexuality. He seems okay with it, but again, not a lot is being said... could be this is still a source of the problem with pulling from me. I hope not, but it has all come to a head in the last few months... still need more time to search for what the "unsaid" is saying.
6. Brainstorm: This is a good brainstorming starting point. Thanks for your ideas - they are getting me to think anew.
MOHOH: This is not just us verses the church... it s more. It goes into not wanting to be part of the family at all, an underlying depression and anxiety, a pulling away from things he used to love and people he loved. Yes, it magnifies itself through the eyes of the church and the importance of family and eternity and belief systems that seem to shatter when not perfectly adhered to...
I have apologized. I have apologized for being an imperfect father. I have apologized for pressuring him to be who I think he should be and not allowing him to be who he is. I have offered love. I have offered freedom to fly. But he needs to take responsibility as well and show me what he wants to do with his life in return, something that I can help support and sustain. Of course, he may not yet know, and I know his depression and anxiety cloud his thinking, and he says things that he may not truly mean.
So, it's complicated and not as black-and-white as I portray it. I don't mean to get into every level of the issue as much as seek to know ideas of what to do that may not be the obvious of 1) love unconditionally, 2) seek professional help, 3) let him go, even if it means to allow him to stumble in the process. I'm already trying to do those.
MATT: I needed to hear this side of the story... I hope in time to be able to have him in a couple of years be able to look back and be grateful that we didn't freak out and be "huffy and shut him out". I'm trying hard not to do that (but at times it's hard)...
So, may I ask what it was that made you reconsider your parents, and lose the anger toward them? Was it time away? Distance? Maturity? Change of perspective?
Sorry for the many comments, but one last idea. Is this a case of hikikomori? This is a term for a late adolescent phenomenon that has been observed in Japan and is probably spreading to the U.S. because of the bad economy.
Oh Beck, my first thought is that I wish I could just wave a wand and make this all a just a bad dream that you wake up from.
My second thought is that depression and anxiety distort our thinking. Possibly he's not making sense to you because he's not making sense to himself. Remember that depression is the common cold of mental illness. It is miserable for the one who has it and his loved ones, but it is treatable and usually responds to treatment sooner or later. It can also be deadly, just as a cold can turn into pneumonia. So I definitely think you are on the right track in getting him some professional help.
My third thought is that the ideal expressed in my first thought is a possibility in the sense that he may wake up or push the reset button or slowly recover from his depression and then you will see a difference. He will seem to have found himself and you will rejoice that he has returned. He may not do and say and believe all the things you want him to, but he will be much more functional and communicative. In that sense the prodigal will return.
Fourth thought: You need to keep yourself healthy through all of this. I know you know this. You are a remarkable man with a wonderful family and a good support system online and off. I think you are wise to see help in a variety of places. Thank you for sharing and caring. Please know that you and your loved ones are in my prayers and the prayers of many others.
(((( big Beck-like hug ))))
I feel for you Beck. Perhaps I can give you a little perspective from the other side of the relationship. Of course, you never know what is really, really going on in the mind of someone else, but they way you describe your son's outward actions reminds me so very much of myself as a mid-to-late teenager. (How old is he anyway?).
I can remember being depressed, unhappy and frustrated with life at that age. More than just the insecure teenage anxiety. It was a deep internal feeling. While I was fine and fun with my friends, everything my parents said or did drove me up a wall. I was downright cruel to my family in so many ways without any good reason. There was just "something" that grated on me about just about every interaction, especially with my mother. (My dad was really just kind of there so there wasn't much to be frustrated about.) I wanted a different family, a different ward at church, a different everything.
I can offer no definitive explanations for why. I actually think it was a chemical thing. Yes, I was closeted and gay. Yes, my life was mostly about guilt since I felt bad about everything, from masturbation to the fact that I was attracted to other males. But the intensity of my feelings was so strong and deep that I can't help but believe there was something physically at issue.
If it's any consolation, things did get better. And time really was the answer. It wasn't that I made any particular effort (way too selfish for that). More it was simply that the feelings faded. Not overnight. It wasn't a prodigal son running into my parents' arms. But by my early 20s I had a decent relationship with my parents.
I'm hoping you and your son will too.
It makes a lot of difference whether this is a case of late adolescent rebellion possibly mixed with loss of faith, depression or other psychological problems, or some mixture of both. To the extent it's adolescent rebellion or loss of faith, your ongoing love is the main thing as you hope and pray that God will work in his heart. To the extent that it's some psychological problem, medications and therapy are most important. You can't force him to see a therapist, all you can do is encourage him (without nagging).
Others have already said all this, but I wanted to reinforce it. Your anguish is clearly one that many other parents experience, and I suspect that one of the things that makes it especially painful is the realization that you do not have the power to fix whatever it is that is wrong.
*hugs*
Let him go. He needs to discover what he truly believes by himself. If you force him to do anything, he will hate and resent you.
Also, just let him know that you love him. That's about all you can do.
OK, something you said just threw up a red flag. Actually two things.
You said he wants to mooch off you and you said he's depressed. My brother went through this with his son and it turned out he had gotten into drugs. Those were two signs of drug addiction you mentioned there, and it just struck a chord with me. Maybe you should look for other signs of addiction? Could explain a lot.
MOHOH: I hadn't heard of "hikikomori" before. He has always been a bit of a recluse but when he wants to he can function just fine with the public, though he doesn't like large crowds or the social scene. It may be a part of just him not being as social as others, but is it asking too much that he not remove himself from the family?
NED: I love your lists:
1. Oh that I could have that magic wand and make it all right.
2. His thinking is distorted and I need to keep that in perspective and be more patient.
3. It may be temporary and I need to give him and the situation more time - again patience, something I'm not best at possessing.
4. I will try to keep things in balance and in stride, including my own health - thanks for the concern.
C-ONE: Thanks for the "other side of the story". This is what I'm seeking - not necessarily to gain "hope" that there it does get better, but that there is another story to be understood. I hope in time to be able to rekindle our relationship and hope with time and maturity we can come back together, if not in the prodigal hug way, then at least as an accepting and understanding father-son relationship.
NATURG: I think this is partly a delayed adolescent expression of rebellion and independence, where I think he should be beyond this, and he's reversing to some suppressed adolescent phase that still needs to be played out. I hope that this is all it is. You're right the the most painful part of all this is I want to "fix" the problem and I can't do it...
SEAN: I hear you and I do understand that concept - but as a parent, it is so hard to do. That is what the scriptural father did - he let his son go... That is what all parents need to do at some point with each child. Maybe this is more about me growing up and accepting that he's growing up, too... But again it ain't so easy, especially when I feel he's not yet ready to fly.
There is a huge part of me that wants to let him go... if he wants his independence so much then maybe I let him go and watch him fail or succeed.
But, that isn't as easy as it sounds or as you advise.
NEAL: I have thought of that. It's in the back of my mind and I'm watching for signs or hints that may be leading to this change of behavior that may be in this court.
I don't know the details of this situation, so please take my observations for what they're worth, but I have a hunch that this might be a hikikomori situation. Both Japanese culture and Mormon culture are shame based. This is not a perjorative term; it's just a characterization of cultures that have strict behavioral codes that require conformity and penalize nonconformers with shunning and public shame. Coming home early from a mission is one of the most socially taboo behaviors in LDS culture (even if "justified" for medical reasons). I wouldn't underestimate its effect. Your son probably feels embarassed, scrutinized, judged, or humiliated in public. Unless you are willing to put him on the street (few middle class parents are), he's got the upper hand here, and you have to work from that basis.
One of my siblings has an adult child who is hikikomori. What I've learned from watching this situation first hand is:
1) Isolation is harmful. If employment can't be found, then volunteer work is a good way to provide structure and a normal social environment. (Can your son volunteer to teach swimming lessons this summer or help in a summer camp for kids?)
2) The Internet is a drug for people who are socially withdrawn. Consider cancelling your household's cable and Internet service for the summer. You don't want the nest to be too comfortble if there's a reluctant fledgling. Similarly, you could ask for a significant amount of labor (yard work or housepainting) in exchange for room and board.
3) Arguments between parents and the adult child don't help. They just make a bad situation worse. If the person wants to withdraw from the family, then you shouldn't force togetherness that isn't wanted. Even though the behavior isn't what you would consider adult behavior, you can no longer treat your child as anything other than an adult. (Also, I really think that this is the time your son needs your empathy the most. He's in crisis.)
4) Offer resources (to help pay for college, referrals for jobs, etc.) that will help make progress in a practical way.
5) Keep the dialog open. Do a lot of listening. Do not engage in any behavior that could be considered to be blaming or shaming.
6) If counseling is available, encourage it. Medication can help, too.
These things might help, or they might not. This is a serious kind of problem, and (if my the situation I've seen in my own family is any indication) it can last for a long time. Good luck!
I don't know the details of this situation, so please take my observations for what they're worth, but I have a hunch that this might be a hikikomori situation. Both Japanese culture and Mormon culture are shame based. This is not a perjorative term; it's just a characterization of cultures that have strict behavioral codes that require conformity and penalize nonconformers with shunning and public shame. Coming home early from a mission is one of the most socially taboo behaviors in LDS culture (even if "justified" for medical reasons). I wouldn't underestimate its effect. Your son probably feels embarassed, scrutinized, judged, or humiliated in public. Unless you are willing to put him on the street (few middle class parents are), he's got the upper hand here, and you have to work from that basis.
One of my siblings has an adult child who is hikikomori. What I've learned from watching this situation first hand is:
1) Isolation is harmful. If employment can't be found, then volunteer work is a good way to provide structure and a normal social environment. (Can your son volunteer to teach swimming lessons this summer or help in a summer camp for kids?)
2) The Internet is a drug for people who are socially withdrawn. Consider cancelling your household's cable and Internet service for the summer. You don't want the nest to be too comfortble if there's a reluctant fledgling. Similarly, you could ask for a significant amount of labor (yard work or housepainting) in exchange for room and board.
3) Arguments between parents and the adult child don't help. They just make a bad situation worse. Even though the behavior isn't what you would consider adult behavior, you can no longer treat your child as anything other than an adult. (Also, I really think that this is the time your son needs your empathy the most. He's in crisis.)
4) Offer resources (to help pay for college, referrals for jobs, etc.) that will help make progress in a practical way.
5) Keep the dialog open. Do a lot of listening without blaming or shaming.
6) If counseling is available, encourage it.
These things might help, or they might not.
My parents recently had one of their children fairly radically change his beliefs in a fairly short period of time. He distanced himself from the church that had always been an important part of his life. He started making choices that they disagreed with--experimenting with alcohol, spending time away from his family at the bar or club.
At the same time, he started distancing himself from them. He was visibly uncomfortable at family gatherings. They were too vivid a reminder of his "failure" to live up to his parents' and siblings' expectations. Even when conversations were cordial and outwardly loving, there was an underlying current of disappointment and disapproval.
(If it wasn't obvious, I'm talking about myself).
From my parents' standpoint, I've:
* Stopped "cherish[ing] or honor[ing] that which [they] believe as a family and what [they] believe we are eternally"
* "Move[d] forward on distancing [myself] from all that has to do with family, church, and all that goes with both"
* "Wish[ed] nothing more to do with what [they] hold sacred, and want to walk away"
I'm not saying that my actions and choices and changes in belief are in any way similar to your son's, but it seems like perhaps the result is very similar--decisions lead to disappointment leads to discomfort leads to distancing.
You know what would make all the difference? Truly and deeply believing that there was no "but" in my parents' love for me.
Right now I feel (accurately or not) that their approach is "we love you but we don't approve of your choices". I would very much prefer "we love you and we are glad that you are finding yourself, defining your own beliefs, and being who you want to be".
It's possible that your son has issues that need to be addressed. Clinical depression should be treated. Drugs or similar abuses are physically harmful and should be halted.
... But barring any actual clinical conditions or actual harmful behaviors, take a deep breath, stand back, and let your son be who he wants to be.
MOHOH: Great follow-up advice. Whether he is a candidate of what you describe or not, I'm not sure, but it all fits quite well. I will try to draw him out and keep him from being as isolated as he is. He has started to work and seems okay in engaging in public in a working environment, and so this is a good sign of things to come.
SCOTT: Of course I see the pattern between your path and my son's even if for different reasons. What I do learn from all of this is to:
1) take a deep breath and pause.
2) stop over-reacting and give it some time.
3) be patient, even if what is happening isn't my first choice.
4) love without the "but"...
I am sincerely trying to do that. Thanks for the reminder to drop the "buts".
If he's working outside of the house, that's a super positive sign that things will get better.
"Traffic jams are to be tolerated; people are to be celebrated." He's your son, and it's your job to celebrate him. I'm sure you're doing great at this.
Beck, my heart breaks for you. This situation is one of the great challenges many parents are forced to face. In the end, with patience and faith, your son, like the prodigal in scripture, will return to you. If your arms are open and your love is strong, he will sense that and find real peace in your embrace. All will be well.
Unvarnished opinion:
You have no control here. The best you can do is make the situation less painful for all involved. That means letting him know you love him unconditionally and then letting him go, if he wants to.
Some people just have to wander in ways they feel impelled to. I know, I'm one of them. I didn't do what your son wants to do in quite so dramatic a way, but as a result of coming out I find myself growing more and more distant from the rest of my extended family, who don't seem to know how to relate to me anymore without a toxic dose of suspicion and second-guessing and subliminal condemnation. As if I'm going to infect their kids or something. So I've concluded that the best thing for all involved is to just live my own life and let them live theirs. There is a bittersweetness about it that one eventually gets used to. But that's true of much of life.
Beyond the normal reaction of a loving parent to a kid whose attitudes and actions depart from what you've taught, I couldn't help wondering if there isn't another reason you've reacted so strongly. Does he threaten your sense of security in the accommodations you've made in your own life? You know he's not stupid, yet he disputes and rejects almost everything you've taught him and believe yourself. Does this make you feel less secure about what you think you "know" yourself? Does it make you ask "what if he's right? And if he is, have I been wasting my time all these years trying to straddle the fence?" I could be totally off-base here, but I got the feeling that you felt a little personally threatened here, beyond just predictable parental dismay.
MOHOH: Celebration! Yes, I will not tolerate, but celebrate as I find ways to help him to find his way.
CLIVE: My arms will remain open! I hope to one day have that peace in that embrace!
ROB: Your comment makes me saddened at your deteriorating situation. I pray that you and yours can find peace in the end.
Meanwhile, your comments about my own "testimony" or assurance makes me ponder a follow-up post...
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