I am doing well. Really, I am! My wife and I have been going through the process of preparing our son for his mission service, and then helping him through that process (shopping, packing, temple, VISAs, farewell, shipping off to the MTC, etc.)to where he is now gone and on his way! The emotions of stress, joy, obligation, excitement, fear, adventure have all been jumbled together in abundance.
It's quite something to go through as a young missionary. It is quite something else to go through it as a parent. How much helicoptering should one do? When to step in and assist? When to step back and watch? It's certainly been a particular time that will not soon be forgotten. I can't help but want him to be happy and well and excited for this new journey. Watching him be scared, stressed, fearful, unsure, makes me ache inside. We are all different, and I'm trying to let him be who he is and make this his experience and not mine. I was a bit fearful, but really loved the experience from beginning to end. But, he's not me... and it's been hard to step back and let it be what it needs to be for him to learn and grow in the ways that he needs to and not in the ways I needed to.
... heavy sigh...
I am doing well. Really I am! My wife and I are still connecting and working together and making our marriage work in ways of love and support - and we're really making it work. I'm sure some will say that I am delusional to even say those words. How can any gay guy say those words and not be delusional? Well, this particular gay boy is saying those words. I feel hope. I sense a confidence and assurance in the path I'm on. It may not be the path that others think I should take or be on, but I don't care. It feels hopeful and right for me, and I'm fine in being labeled as "delusional" and be dismissed as fooling myself into some sense of denial... So be it.
I am doing well. Really I am! I am going through a personal experiment of what total isolation from fellow MOHOs and total abstinence from electronic eye-candy will do to affect my sense of well-being. Will it bring back the incredible building of angst and uneasiness, or will it bring strength and confidence. Don't get me wrong... I am doing this knowing that I am a gay man and always have been and at least for now, will always be a man that is attracted to other men. I am not in any way, shape or form trying to deny this fact or be delusional enough to believe that I can wish it away, or even think that such a thing is possible. I've been there and done that and know that doesn't work. Giving in to what some may say is natural and honest and inevitable (go with the flow of nature - it never makes sense to fight it) and have that desired relationship with another man - is something I am not able to do, and I choose not to. What I am trying to do is accept my true nature as fact, but choose to live my life otherwise. It is my choice and it feels right for me. Whether I can do so and make it work and do so now with less angst, remains to be seen.
Does denying oneself of natural stimuli and physical connection lead to nothing but grief, angst and frustration and ultimate eruption of seismic proportions? Or does this path lead to anything positive, strengthening, reassuring, hopeful?
I know this post sounds like I'm trying to convince myself, and maybe I am... (after all, I'm delusional)... but...
Is there any room in this world for someone like me who admits he's gay, but denies himself of a gay relationship and instead chooses to grow old and happy and content with the wife he loves?
Is there any room in this MOHO blogging community anymore for a voice like mine or has the evolution of the last four plus years made that impossible?
Is there any room for hope? Hope to make this marriage relationship work? Hope to make this family eternal? Hope to remain sane in the process?
Whether you dismiss me here and now, I am still here and though I keep thinking that I should simply go away, I'm still here... giving validity and voice to those like me who say emphatically: There is always room for hope!