A couple of things have changed in my life in the last few weeks - good things. These changes have brought me to a self-evaluation or self-inventory again. The difference this time is that I don't feel a level of guilt associated with things. Instead, I am at peace with myself and what decisions I am making, and where I am going.
I may post more about the peace I've found and the lessons I'm learning in the future. For now, let me say that I'm comfortable with myself. I have come to accept me for who I am with no fear and trembling or guilt. I feel grateful for this acceptance and with this acceptance comes peace.
During this recent self-evaluation, I've decided (again)
to swear off the electronic eye-candy. Niente! Nada! (Now, how hypocritical is it of me to post about swearing off electronic eye-candy and then I can't resist throwing some in for good measure - go figure!) It's been 3-1/2 weeks and just a twinge of withdrawal. I know I've done this before (when I was caught by my son looking at PG images of guys kissing), but then it was out of an immense motivation of guilt. Now, I am doing it because it feels like the right thing for me to do right now. Anyone who has followed this blog for any extended period of time, particularly in the early years, knows of my attraction to eye-candy. But now, I'm okay in trying to move on. That doesn't mean that I won't or don't take in the view of the nice eye-candy walking by in the flesh, or sitting in the congregation - I think it's fine to notice and appreciate and enjoy such beauty. I even think it is a healthy change that I don't feel uptight or wigged out by it. It just is and I enjoy that this is how my attractions are - and I'm finally okay with it.
Could it be that after over five years of coming out to myself, that I am finally moving beyond my adolescent years? Am I maturing? Or am I in denial? Is this new cold-turkeyness going to backfire and I'll end up errupting into another gay pon farr? Or, am I finally settling into a new phase?
And with things going better with my wife and marital relationship, do you think that has something to do with it?
It's strange. It's not that I'm less gay, or think I'm decreasing in my attractions whatsoever, but it's like I'm not as hung up about it, and I'm going to enjoy the ride.
What do you think? Am I delusional in thinking things are getting better?