I would guess that today's blogs in the community will be centered on the court decision of Prop 8 in California - and rightly so! Yet my thoughts go elsewhere this morning.
On Sunday, "Will" was back in town and at church. I wish I could say otherwise, but I can't look at him and not melt inside. After the meetings he sought me out and we affectionately hugged in that way that we've become accustomed - in front of everyone, including my wife and kids and his wife. My wife rolled with the punches and engaged them in warm conversation and true interests in their futures. It was rewarding to see her not be threatened by our affection for each other. It was rewarding to note no jabs or hurt feelings or expressions of doubt regarding our marriage, knowing I still have particular attraction and affection issues with him after all these years, but also knowing that I'm not seeking to go off in the sunset with him. It was just natural and good - a spirit of acceptance without feelings of threat or invasion.
And then yesterday morning was spectacularly beautiful. The rain of the previous day had washed the world clean leaving it sparkling and refreshed. The birds were chirping vigorously. The wild flowers on the foothills were bursting with new life, new color, new enthusiasm. The renewal joys of spring were surrounding us everywhere.
We hiked a couple of miles on our mountain and ended at my special rocky overlook where I go to get away from it all and be alone and meditate. I love this particular place.
Along the way, an argument broke out. The gist of the discussion centered around not having enough "romance" or "spontaneity" in our marriage. I stopped hiking, and in my normal over-reaction standard mode of operation, took offense and countered:
"Well, this is who I am. You need to accept that this is me," holding my arms out dramatically as if to say: "take it or leave it, baby!"
She stared at me and calmly stated: "But, don't you get it? I do accept you for who you are. That is why I have chosen to stay with you!"
And it really did hit me. I did not choose to be this way. It is not a choice to have strong attractions for other men, in combination with less attraction for women, and as such, less tendency to meet the romantic needs of my wife. I thought I was doing a romantic and spontaneous gesture by going on a morning hike with her, choosing to be with her instead of anyone else. And as she doesn't meet my needs, I, in turn, don't meet her needs. And as I have accepted this as our reality, she, too, has accepted me. She has not left me, as some would suggest she should have. Instead, she has chosen to stay with me.
We sat on the rock and held each other. We were alone in the beauty of the spot. As frustrated as I get with this situation I face (and concentrating so much on me and my issues and my hardships and my struggles and my reality), I realize she faces it, too. As much as I didn't choose this situation, I have chosen to stay in it. And as much as she didn't choose this situation, she has chosen to stay in it. We are in this together.
Her acceptance of Tim and Will occasionally popping into my life fulfilling some man-to-man affection quotient, and now her point-blank statement of acceptance of me for who I am, and choosing to stay with me... give me pause. What do you make of her comments? What do you think? Do you think she might accept a fellow MOHO as a friend? Will that stretch the situation beyond its point of elasticity?
Maybe it's finally time... time to let her know that we are not alone... that there are others... that maybe there is the possibility to open the window of our closet and peak out into the light - even the knowledge that this MOHO community exists. She is all alone. I am not.
Yet, selfishly, I don't want to reveal this blog to her. If I do, it will change its purpose or even lose it all together. "Beck" will be lost forever - maybe that will be a good thing (not just for her and for me, but for all who read this drivel). Is the blog becoming a hindrance and is too important?