It's been two weeks! My how time flies when you're having fun walking on eggshells...
And I've been good - cold turkey - for two weeks now. No indiscretions (how innocent they may be to some). None! Ever since cleaning the slate, and emptying the archives, the temptations have diminished, and the angst has decreased - at least for now. I don't know whether this will be something that I can keep up, but one day, and one week at a time, and hopefully soon - one month at at time.
My son has not confronted me. He seems pretty normal and has not pulled back from me either as I try to assess his reactions and interactions to me to notice any different behavior. As far as I can tell, he hasn't discussed the "indiscretion" further with my wife or with his siblings. I fear, however, that someday, somewhere, sometime, the confrontation will occur and I'll have to deal with it. But for now, it seems to have passed and if I've benefited by being awakened to this new reality, and to a new commitment, then so be it.
My wife has been extremely kind, more loving, and more willing to forgive. It's really freaking me out! I didn't expect such a reaction. I know I'm being watched. I realize the choice is mine. I feel like I have two strikes now and I'm still at the plate ready to either hit a home run or strike out all together. I recognize that I must restore trust and show commitment to her and to them, and earn their love and commitment. It just seems to be happening too willingly on her part. Why is that?
I think she still takes upon herself some of the "blame" for my being the way I am - thinking "If only I were kinder and more loving... if only I could get him to love me more... if only I could make myself more attractive to him - then all of this will go away." After 3 years, she still thinks this way. I don't know how to tell her that it isn't anything that she has or hasn't done to "cause" this and that loving me more, or becoming more attractive isn't going to change things. But, how do I get her to realize this isn't anything she's done or can do? I even spoke to her, earnestly offering to seek out marriage counseling to help her to understand me better and to help me understand her better - but not trying to change each other. She thought it wouldn't do any good.
I just want her to love me for who I am and to accept that I am the same loving and devoted person she fell in love with two-and-a-half decades ago. I just want to be me, to manage my attractions in a way that does not hurt anyone, particularly my family, and helps me to keep in tune with the Spirit. Is that asking for too much?
I mean, I don't want to spend my entire eternity glancing over my shoulder, wondering what they are thinking, wondering if they are just waiting for me to screw up and fall big time, wondering what they are wondering every time I'm alone with another guy, or on the computer in the basement, etc. I don't want to have to live like this!
So there you have it. My son has been scarred for life and isn't telling me about it - and my wife is trying to love me into becoming more attracted to her.
What a mess I've made of everything! It's not easy walking on eggshells...