Tuesday, November 04, 2008


I know thy works, that thou are neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot. So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth. -- Revelation 3:15-16

Okay. Let me make a point - this blog is NOT the total me. It is an account of my thoughts, sometimes the most intimate thoughts I have, thoughts not unlike your thoughts that you have, thoughts that you or anyone else typically would not know about at all. You have come here, for whatever reason, to pick my brain and look inside me. I allow you to do so. I want you to do so as we hopefully can grow together and edify each other in this journey - my journey as a married gay Mormon man.

That said, I have been struggling of late with my belief system, my core self, and what is real - in essence my faith. I have been struggling with who I am within this context and have been seeing myself removed from my beliefs, my family, my covenants. I have been seeing things in shades of gray and blurring the boundaries between what is black and what is white. I have desired to cross the line, to step off that proverbial cliff, to leave the past behind and move into another culture, another belief system, another world.


As much as I speak of desiring a "boyfriend", experiencing and "knowing" the other side of my sexuality, and leaving my garments - and all things they symbolize - in the closet I leave behind, and even as I toy with and take small baby steps in this gray existence where things aren't so right or wrong - and these desires and thoughts and steps are real and powerful and well articulated here (moreso than maybe is appropriate and should be left to the private corners of my mind and dreams) - as much as I long for these to become more "lukewarm" in my approach on this journey.

May I say emphatically here and now - I can't feel good about this approach! I can't do it. I won't do it. I'm not going to do it...


1. I know that God is real. He is my Father and I am His son and I have felt his love and know that He desires the best for me and this path isn't the best for me.

2. I know that Christ is my Savior, my friend, my brother and I believe Him and have put into practice what He has taught me personally - my belief isn't just in "knowing" about Him or about what He has said, but in believing Him and seeing the fruits in my life, the joy that comes as I follow Him.

3. I know what it is to have the Spirit speak to me personally, to feel the Holy Ghost guiding me within my core self. At times recently, those feelings and guidance have been weak and distant and faint - lots of static fill my soul and confuse the signal - but I cannot deny what I know - that the voice is real and has spoken to me and I cannot and will not deny it. This voice is faint because of my recent choices, thought-processes and actions, not because He no longer wants to speak very clearly to me. I am the one who has become "lukewarm" in my approach to His counsel.

4. I know of the Plan for me. I have a conviction that goes to my core of this Plan and realize I'm human and don't have all the answers, particularly the tough questions I ask of myself as a gay man on this journey, but the Plan is still the same for me as it is for you. We walk by faith, and that faith, practiced with earnest efforts, doing the best with what we've been given, and doing all that we CAN do, will become an assurance of those things we don't currently "know".

5. I have made covenants with my God to be obedient, to sacrifice, to be morally chaste and clean, to live the Gospel and to consecrate all that I have to this faith. Though you may think otherwise, these covenants are central to who I am and to my core self. Though I've shown signs of leaving them behind, I cannot and will not. These covenants bind me to my faith and keeping them brings me strength. I have been promised that I will be a "strong man among men". I've always thought this may have meant that I needed to lift more weights :), but indeed, I am made strong, not weak, when I KEEP these covenants sacred.

6. These covenants bind me to my wife. I have chosen years ago to be hers and she mine and together we will journey in this life side by side. I've recently thought of walking away from my marital covenants - and when we are separated, I become weak and allow my thoughts and actions to move in that direction - with my desires and attractions becoming more powerful than my own will and commitments. But I cannot, I will not, leave her behind! I love her and have chosen her and will not abandon her, be unfaithful to her, or betray her because of these powerful desires and attractions that I have for men.

7. My children are central to my happiness in this life. They are my focus, and I don't blog much about them here - for they are not to be brought into this sphere of discussion, as my effort to protect them - but do not doubt that they are central to who I am, what I stand for, and why I ultimately make the choices I make.

8. I am gay. I am not bisexual in the least. I am at least of 5+ or 6 on that notorious scale. I always have been and am convinced that I always will. This has been long in coming to accept and receive this personal conviction. With this has come much self-hate, self-doubt, confusion and angst. I still struggle, but the struggle is not with WHO I am, but with HOW I am to lead my life because of WHAT I am. You may ask how a gay man who is a "6" can stay married for 27 years, and remain faithful in his beliefs and covenants... well, I ask that too, and have more thoughts on that later...

9. I sustain my priesthood leaders and prophet. The Prophet is the only man on this earth that holds all priesthood keys. I used to have more conviction of the infallibility of the Prophet - I still feel he holds the authority to lead God's church. But, I have had some doubts enter into my convictions as I am conflicted by feelings that they (my priesthood leaders) do not understand or "get" what it means to be gay and why I am gay and what that means to someone like me who has felt isolated, misunderstood, and different from the Brethren. So, for now, I must exercise my faith to follow them, believing they will yet receive applicable and appropriate direction of love for me and my kind. I can be a better help within the Church than from without as I work to give face and voice of one among their midst who is gay but who believes and remains devout because of his faith.

10. I don't have all the answers. So I walk by faith.

This post may disappoint some who are cheering me on in stepping across the line. This post may excite those who are pulling for me to toe the line. I am not here to disappoint or excite either side. I am just me.

When it comes down to it, the above feels right and good and true. I do not apologize for my behavior or my choices. They are mine. I am not seeking excuses to find ways to "have it both ways", to have my marriage, but also a boyfriend on the side, to be an exception and have gay relationships and eternal covenants together. It is all or nothing. I can't be lukewarm. I may go crazy staying true to my choices (hell, I'm probably already certifiably insane), but at least I will be doing what I feel is right for me.

This is what is right for me... I don't seek praise or condemnation for my stand. I don't feel vindicated and don't seek to be any kind of example or standard-bearer. I am simply me...

I'm tired of being lukewarm...

I am Beck.

He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be thy son. -- Revelation 21:7


Bravone said...

My dear friend Beck, knowing you and having felt of your spirit, I have never doubted that you would stay the course. In spite of your "angsty" posts, I know of your convictions and faith. Your blog allows you to vent, to express a side of you that, because of the eternal choices you have made, cannot be expressed in a more "public" setting.

Thank you for sharing your core values and beliefs, and keep posting.

Hidden said...

I find it telling of the judgments of others that this post is even necessary.

We, well I, embrace you Beck no matter what. Struggle and all. No matter where in the realm of gray, white, or black you may come to rest when your volatile thoughts finally cease to whip you about, throw you down, force you back up, and spin you again.

Scott said...

I find it telling of the judgments of others that this post is even necessary.

For the record, I have complete faith in your ability to do the right thing. I never doubted that your meandering over the last few days would lead you to this.

(If you ever post that you've gone and had an affair with a guy I'm going to open a ski shop in hell.)

I still see a lot of color in your numbered list of core beliefs, though, and I'm glad you haven't decided to go back to black and white. The world is more beautiful with color.

Thanks for sharing your convictions, but thanks even more for sharing your lack-of-convictions, because those are what help all of us to know that we're not alone in our doubts and struggles.


Philip said...

This election is making it impossible for me to focus.

Are you trying to say you want to be accepted and respected for all of you; not just part of you?

That you want to be accepted and respected for being gay and married to a woman -not- gay but married to a woman -or- married but gay?

That you want to be accepted and respected for being a gay father and man of faith -not- a gay man that happens to be a father and a man of faith -or- a father and a man of faith that happens to be gay?

That you yearn for a community that supports, accepts, respects and yes, reflects, all of you unconditionally -not- one that supports, accepts and respects only a part of you and then only conditionally and either dismisses, rejects or diminishes the other parts of you so that you don't see your reflection anywhere?

Is that what you are trying to say or has this election fuzzed my brain?


Gay LDS Actor said...

No matter what you do or choose, just make sure you are true to what you believe will bring you the greatest happiness. I applaud your efforts to do what you believe you must.

Mike said...

Oh, Beck. You are a good man. I am proud of your decision making and how you can feel the importance and conviction of making the choices that you do, even when you feel other things.

Not that my pride affects you in any way.

You are a man of men, who experiences more than the average man overall, and that makes you better as you struggle to do what is right and accomplish the same tasks that other men do.

I enjoy learning more about you , and who you are. Thank you for not being lukewarm. You are a great example to us all.

Silver said...

I respect so deeply your convictions and your determination to be true to your faith and your covenants.

I know the difficulty of your journey, at least I empathize and understand based upon my own struggles.

I honor the choices you have made and your fidelity to your spouse. I also honor your expression of the difficulty of that choice and what it has cost you. I honor your power and determination. You are a "strong man among men".

I walk with you as a son of God. You have a friend who also has faith and has chosen to be faithful to wife and children. A friend who also chooses to continue in the journey, following the Prophet when I really can't understand how I fit or see the end clearly. I walk with you in faith.

I'm in a different place on the scale, yet not truly black or white. I stand with you in the grey. I'm somewhere between gay and straight. It even seems to change from day to day at times. I just know I'm solidly in the grey; unable to be fully white or fully black. Perhaps somewhere in Scott's "colors".

Thanks Beck for sharing your journey. I hope you don't stop. Your courage has encouraged me and I care about you. I see you as a brother and friend. I honor, respect and support you.


Beck said...

BRAVONE: Am I that predictable? Am I that anchored? Am I destined to stay the course? Is it that scripted for me? Am I so in control that even though I desire at times to step beyond the line, I really never will?

HIDDEN: The judgment is all mine! I am making this declaration for my own self, as a response to my own self-evaluation. It is necessary because I need to occasionally hear (read) myself declaring these things - kind of a "remember, remember..." reminder from the personal core-belief scriptures within me. Does that make sense?

I openly embrace you and thank you for your unconditional love.

Beck said...

SCOTT: You're like Bravone! How can you have such faith in me when I barely have faith in myself? How can you not doubt me when I so fully doubt myself? Again, am I really that predictable? How disgusting is that?

I share my foibles and lack of convictions more than I should to the point that I forget the convictions I do have, and need to stop, take a breath, re-evaluate and contemplate what it is that I believe.

But, don't discard those ideas of that ski-shop in Hell. You never know...

PHILIP: I am sorry to be confusing to you, and to throw this zinger out in the midst of what seems to be another direction in which I appear to be going. I don't mean to be confusing. I am trying very hard to find my core self. All the various combinations you articulate may be possibilities. But, for me, no matter what combination I am, there are still anchoring beliefs and core elements of self that keep me from embracing other paths.

This may discourage you as you see me taking even longer to embrace the "coming out" process and as such I'm embracing a longer path of angst and uneasiness. I recognize this as well... I plan to blog about this at some point.

Bear with me and encourage me on. I find your point of view refreshing and of great value, for you challenge me and help me to think of those things I wouldn't normally think about. Please don't give up on me!

Scott said...

How can you have such faith in me when I barely have faith in myself? How can you not doubt me when I so fully doubt myself?

Partly because I'm pretty sure that you like the idea of being bad far more than even you think you would actually like the being bad itself.

Actually plunging into the abyss would mean giving up the fantasies about what it would be like to plunge into the abyss, and you like the fantasies too much to give them up.

But mostly because you love your wife, your kids, and your faith too much to give them up.

Beck said...

CODY: Thanks for that and may I echo for you to do the same. Seek that which you truly believe in and you'll find happiness as well. Thanks, my friend.

MIKE said: "You are a man of men, who experiences more than the average man overall, and that makes you better as you struggle to do what is right and accomplish the same tasks that other men do."

I don't believe that of myself, particularly the "better" part as I don't feel like I'm any "better" than anyone else. What I no longer feel is that I'm less of a person for having the feelings that I do. In the past, I would not have been able to say that - I would have HATED myself and thought "worse" of myself for being this way.

"You are a great example to us all."

You're kind, but as I said, I don't feel like I'm an example or standard -bearer. I'm just me. If you can learn from my silliness and weaknesses and missteps, then so be it.

SILVER: Thank you for your kind and sincere and heart-felt words. I know they are reciprocated to you as well. You are missed in not blogging anymore, but I'm glad you're still around commenting and sustaining this effort to strengthen each other.

Beck said...

SCOTT said: "Partly because I'm pretty sure that you like the idea of being bad far more than even you think you would actually like the being bad itself."

What a thought! I hadn't even considered viewing it that way. So, is this just a game for me? Is it really not real? Am I so enamored with the fantasy of it all that I can't imagine losing the game of "what if" to be replaced with "real life consequences"? What a concept!

So what does that say about me? Sounds pretty juvenile...

Actually plunging into the abyss would mean giving up the fantasies about what it would be like to plunge into the abyss, and you like the fantasies too much to give them up.

Scott said...

So what does that say about me? Sounds pretty juvenile...

Not at all. We all have our fantasies, and I think that everyone has at least one fantasy that they enjoy as a fantasy but know that they would never enjoy if it came true.

Heck, myths and legends are full of stories of the consequences of what happens when we get what we think we want. That seems to indicate that it's just part of the human psyche to enjoy wanting something more than we would enjoy actually having it.

I think that some people don't realize or never figure out that the fulfillment of a fantasy isn't always that fulfilling. To me, they're the juveniles--always looking for something else to give them what they're looking for and always disappointed when it doesn't.

Recognizing that a fantasy is best left that way (and feeling free to enjoy it) is a sign of maturity, if you ask me.

(Losing yourself in a fantasy to the point where you forget or abandon the real world is another issue, but I don't think you have that problem).

Mike said...

I guess that you don't need to feel like you are an example to be one. You just are a good example. I know that sometimes we don't see ourselves clearly, or we think 'they don't know what I am really like, and if they knew that they wouldn't think that anymore.'

That is how I used to felt until now. Now I am in a place where I can commincate who I am, the good with the bad, and be accepted. I am a lucky guy.

Just be yourself, that is what we want to see. I love and support you Beck. I can't do much, but I do feel those things.

robert said...

I think as long as gay behavior is "sinful" to you, your position makes perfect sense. If it is not "sinful" to you then I think you are denying who you are in fundamental terms and denying the fact that you have grown beyond what you "were". I believe it is really that simple. You believe that you will receive a "reward" for your behavior. I don't. And I support you either way.

Scott said...

I think as long as gay behavior is "sinful" to you, your position makes perfect sense. If it is not "sinful" to you then I think you are denying who you are in fundamental terms and denying the fact that you have grown beyond what you "were".

Not necessarily.

I used to believe that gay behavior was "sinful". I'm not sure that I believe that anymore, but I'm now in a position where I have a wife and kids who I have made commitments to and to whom I have responsibilities.

So it's no longer a question of whether or not the gay behavior is sinful, but of whether it's right or wrong to abandon those responsibilities or forsake those commitments in pursuit of personal fulfillment.

Beck said...

ROBERT: I guess Scott beat me to the punch... I do not believe being gay, or gay relationships are sinful at all. I've moved beyond that phase of my thoughts. I have seen the goodness and love in those like John G-W and Goran who have opened my eyes to the potential of what "being gay" can really mean. And I see no sin in it!

That said, I do see "sin" in my doing so as a committed married man. The sin is in trampling on those commitments and the hurt, damage and betrayal that would cause many innocent lives.

There is a difference.

As to reward - sure, I desire and seek that eternal reward, whatever that may be, but I do so as I live the best way I can with the choices I've made and with what I've been given.

And I feel that eternal rewards are in store for gay behavior as well...

robert said...

To Scott and Beck:

As your own children develop into adulthood and notice the diversity in the world, what do you tell them? Do you shelter them in the LDS faith? How honest will you be about yourself? Would you direct them to your blog? I hope so.

Scott said...


I'm completely out to my 11- and 12-year-old kids. I haven't actually sat down to talk with my 7- or 3-year-old kids, but homosexuality and gay rights are open topics around the house, so I think that they'll sort of pick things up as they're capable of understanding.

So far they haven't expressed any interest in reading either my blog or my wife's, but there's very little that we would be reluctant to let the older two read (and if there is any reluctance, it's only because there may be a post or two that aren't age-appropriate).

We've discussed Prop 8 in the days leading up to the election and were pleased that, without any attempted influence from us, both of the older two said that they thought it wasn't fair that people were trying to keep gay people from getting married.

We still go to church, so they're going to get lessons in sunday school on chastity, etc. My wife and I both feel like the benefits of church attendance are many, and we do our best to discuss the things that they learn at church and share our views with them when it seems appropriate to do so (again, not trying to influence them--we want them to be able to come to their own conclusions).

I don't claim that our choices are the only "right" choices--other parents might choose not to tell the kids, or choose to stop attending church, or whatever. But we feel pretty good that we're making the right choices for our family.

Beck said...

ROBERT: I am "out" to my wife, but not to my kids. When homosexual issues come up, I am open and vocal, however, about my feelings of acceptance, love, and against bigotry and descrimination, etc. so they know where there Dad stands.

I suspect my son knows about me and my "secret" as I've posted in the past and have promised myself that if he wanted to discuss it or confront me on it, I would be open to him about it.

My blog has been my private thoughts - I like keeping it that way to be able to express things openly, not worrying about age-appropriateness or sensitivities of my wife and kids. Maybe that is wrong, and I will come to regret it and discover there is a great thing called the "delete key".

But for now, this is how things are. I have envisioned the day when I will be able to express openly all my core beliefs and the essense of my core self to my kids. I am working toward that day and have mentally prepared myself for that event.

Until then, be patient and respect my choices as you encourage me along to make bigger steps...

robert said...

Sounds like you are both handling things admirably. I should also state that I am not judging whatever your choices may be. Just curious how MOMs handle such realities. I think we can all agree that the next generation will be much better with diversity than previous ones.

Scott said...

Robert, I read your question as one of curiosity, not judgment.

And I agree that the younger generations are more accepting of diversity in all forms. The results of the Prop 8 vote are evidence of that--the younger voters were overwhelmingly against the proposition.