Thursday, February 14, 2008

il miracolo d'amore...


Recent comments point to the fact that for most gay men, it is unthinkable to be in love with, and married to a woman, particularly for more than a quarter century, and be so happily (for the most part) and faithfully:

... it's difficult to understand why someone would choose to stay with a woman when their desire lies with men...

... people who are gay... would find a way out of the marriage so they could pursue the life they desire...

... There are gay people who will look down on you, it's true...

...hmm...does accepting your gay mean no possibility of falling in love with a woman?

...The odd thing to me is that there are extremely few remotely like you, Beck...

I know I'm odd. I know I've never been stereotypical or easy to peg. I'm unique! And, yet I ask myself why? Why couldn't I "fit in" with either the straight or the gay communities? Why am I lost between the two, thus, not "fitting in" to either? Being unique makes things interesting - life isn't predictable.

I don't need to explain how gay I am. My blog has done that for nearly two years now. I am exclusively attracted to men! I am not somewhere in the middle. I'm at the end of the spectrum, completely attracted to the male species. And yet, the miracle of it all, is that at one point very early in my naive post-mission life, I was available to the idea of falling in love with a woman - and a very special and wonderful woman came into my life and we fell in love. Love is an amazing thing. It puts blinders on us. I was smitten like I never have been before or since with this woman. And the amazing thing was, she was smitten with me and was willing to commit to me, to support and sustain me, to make me the best I could be, to complete me...

As I look back on it now, I recognize the miracle of it all. It never happened before. It has never happened since. I certainly have fallen for guys, had crushes on guys, been infatuated with guys, been in love with guys, but never another woman. Just her! Just once! How does one explain this? Why did it happen to me just this once?

And you know... the funny thing is (and I know it is hard for those who cannot understand me in the first place) I'm still in love with her! I told you I was weird, odd, unique. In reality, we are all unique. Our package we've been given, our experiences and circumstances are uniquely ours and no one elses - all the more reason to not judge each other, but to learn to love and appreciate and embrace our uniquenesses.

As much as I continue to love guys and would longingly love to be in a relationship with a guy, I must stop and realize - I have a TRUE LOVE right here and now. It is real! It is alive! It's a miracle!

Happy Valentine's Day!

12 comments:

Chris said...

I am exclusively attracted to men! I am not somewhere in the middle. I'm at the end of the spectrum, completely attracted to the male species. And yet, the miracle of it all, is that at one point very early in my naive post-mission life, I was available to the idea of falling in love with a woman - and a very special and wonderful woman came into my life and we fell in love.

This was very much how I experienced love with my ex-wife. We spent a little more than 10 years together, and they were good years for the most part.

Damon said...

Beck, I am so glad you realize the miracle of it. And I understand your plight. In many ways I am much like you...as far as where I fall on the gay spectrum.

For most of my 20's I found girls who I loved a great deal, but it was different...they were clearly friends. I couldn't imagine marrying them because I couldn't imagine deceiving my friend in such a serious and personal way.

It's wonderful that despite your attractions you've been able to form a loving relationship with your wife.

In part, you were able to do this because you weren't very aware of your homosexuality until later in life. At least, that's been the impression I've had from your blog.

Best wishes to you and kudos for recognizing your blessings.

epadavito said...

I couldn't agree with you more - miracles do happen - we can see it in our lives, plus! it says it in the Book of Mormon ;)

Parallel Mormon said...

Beck,

This is wonderful! That's the spirit!

Love is real, it binds, it carries us through. And it can be eternal in all aspects (fatherly, brotherly, husbandly, etc.). You chose the right path, perhaps in part because, as Damon intimated, you were not fully aware of your gayness. But also and mostly because of the fire of testimony which did for you what a testimony can and must do for all--lead us to choose what the Lord would want instead of what the carnal man would want.

Loved your posting!

One of So Many said...

It probably makes things easier to be in love with your spouse dealing with what you are.

Beck said...

CHRIS: Good to see you around. I'm glad you can look back on those years as "good years for the most part". My years have been "good years for the most part".

Beck said...

DAMON said: "In part, you were able to do this because you weren't very aware of your homosexuality until later in life."

That is exactly the point... I was able to make the decisions I did because of how I looked at myself at the time, in a world much different from today, much more naive and innocent. Had I been aware of who I am, as I do now, I don't believe I could have moved forward as I did into a marital relationship.

But, I did and that was the right thing to do at that time. I was open to her in helping her to understand my desires and attractions, but they were never cloaked in the words of being "gay". That conception of my reality didn't cross my conscious mind. Had it then as it does now, I wonder what we would have done - would we have gone forward?

It's useless to look back and wonder about the "what-ifs" of life now. That was then and this is now and we are who we are by means of the choices and decisions we make with the knowledge we have at the time.

The question is: Now that I know and have come out to her and have brought her into my closet and have struggled through these last three years, where do we go from here?

But, it's still a miracle that it happened at all and that "for the most part" we are happy together.

Am I settling for something less than ideal? Am I denying myself and herself of the ideal by staying together?

To answer those questions, we'll need another miracle.

Beck said...

EPADAVITO: You're right... if we just "look" we will see miracles all around in our lives!

PARALLEL: You're right, too. Though it was definitely my naive view of my attraction situation as a major factor in moving forward with my wife-to-be, it was also my testimony and the spiritual convictions that pushed me forward to making these decisions and life choices. I do not deny those spiritual promptings to do that which I've done (and not done).

Beck said...

OOSM: "Easier" is a relative term. As you well know, it isn't EASY being in a mixed-oriented marriage - it takes an awful lot of work! It's a constant battle to keep it going - but that's true for almost any relationship... they all take work. But, love (even if that is more emotional, spiritual, mental, bonding companionship oriented, verses sexual attraction) makes it "easier" and worth it.

Please don't give up trying!

J G-W said...

Nice post, Beck.

Sometimes when other people criticize us, it gives us an opportunity to count our blessings, to recognize what is good.

Crow's View said...

Coincidences are when God chooses to act anonymously and miracles are just natural occurrences to those who have faith. Labels we choose to identify ourselves with are just that, self chosen. Always remember that. I think your blogs are cool.

Mike Kessler said...

When I fully realized I was gay I was dating a woman. The big difference was that I was 19 and we hadn't married. We are still good friends -- more than 30 years later -- and we have acknowledged that we still love each other. I'll always wonder what might have been, just like you will. I'm glad for her that she's been happily married for more than 25 years now and has two grown kids. But I can't say I have any regrets with the path I took. Regrets don't help much anyway.