Sometimes, I feel like I've spent my entire life "wishing" for something that I can't have, shouldn't have, or once I do have, wish then that I didn't have... In living a life like this, it is always based on longings and cravings, on regrets and guilt, and not on what is right before my eyes - the life that I am living but don't want to live...
I've longed for the "gay life", the romantic attachments of man-to-man relationships. I've regretted that late in life my choices and my personal enlightenment of my gaydom have robbed me of ever having those attachments now (as I'm too ancient in gay years). I've felt guilty for having such longings and as such spent too much of life beating up myself. And as such, I've missed some of the real joys that are right in front of me, and been foolish enough to not see what I do have.
7 comments:
LOL. I love Benny Hill. I used to watch it with one of my sisters when I should have been sleeping :-).
I’m sure you can refocus on what you do have. I don’t know how a person weighs such things, but if you did start your life on a different path years ago, you may not have regrets or guilt, but those would be traded in for a host of local antagonists, at least in Utah government. In this state, there’s no obvious path for the homosexual that’s without the sort of trials that can sometimes distract from blessing.
Beck,
I think you are just human. We all have an area or multiple areas in our lives where we miss the blessing of what we have because we think there's something better out there...whether it's in relationships, love, jobs, or whatever.
I will tell you that your comparison isn't crystal clear. When you look at your marriage, when you consider life with a woman you see the reality.
When you think about what life would be like with a man, when you day dream about those attachments and the what if's you are thinking of the ideals. And reality is much harsher.
It's understandable that you think about these things, yearn for them. Its because there is a part of you that is unfulfilled, and that will probably always be unfulfilled. Just remember when you are considering those what if's and when you think about what life could've been like, also remember there's a reality to those scenarios that you never have had to see...
Hope all is well with you...take care!
Hi Beck,
Like you, I wish I could go back and have a chance to rethink some of my choices. However, all I have is the present and whatever faith, love and judgment I can bring to bear right now to build a future. I like how Reinhold Niebuhr put it:
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
I read this not as advice to trudge along no matter what our circumstance but to work at finding realistic solutions. You're not too old to have a gay life if that's what you truly need. On the other hand, you can also work to improve your life within the context of your mixed-orientation marriage. All the options are on the table. The game isn't over, but change is required to stay in the game.
With affection,
MHH
[I think this poem hints at a mature, understanding of deity. It's not a poem about fearful obedience to a God of wrath; it's about wisdom and authenticity in a complex and painful world. There's a huge difference between these two views.]
SCOT said: "I’m sure you can refocus on what you do have..." Yes I can... and yes I will. It is real, the rest is fantasy.
DAMON: I think you are on the same page, that the comparison of what I have verses what I wish for isn't "crystal clear". That's my point... I know what I have and it is wonderful. What I compare it against is something imaginary, unreal, and unlikely, as wonderful as the "ideal" may seem. And that isn't fair. And I don't mean to. And I hope I'm maturing enough not not have to...
MOHOH: Thanks for your kindness and affection. I appreciate the spirit of the poem and the message of accepting what can't be changed and changing what should, and wisdom to know the difference.
I hope after not much longer wisdom will come... Don't laugh... I said I hope, not that it will. :)
Thank you for the encouragement to realize that my life isn't over, that there is still time for all that my life can still and should be. Hopefully, my level of wisdom will catch up with my age!
I'm guilty of the same thing.
Excuse me, you are not ancient in gay years! You are as old in gay years as you are in straight years. But beginning to date after 30 or 40 or 50 isn't as easy as dating when you're 20 or so, straight or gay. And your hormones and brain have grown up, too. Your desires at 20 are about 90 per cent sexual. Now, love, companionship, comfort and stability probably make up the majority of your desires. Even as a gay man married to a straight woman, there has to be something rewarding about waking up each morning to see the face of the one you love lying beside you.
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