Life has been very stressful lately, full of the stuff that doesn't really matter and not enough of that which really is important. Too much work. Too much travel. Too much...
I wanted to follow up on my last post, but now the idea and articulation are gone, interrupted by life.
Let me say this: I'm anchored in my testimony of the Gospel, of Christ and the Atonement, even of Joseph Smith and the restoration. I am anchored in my belief of the Plan of Salvation.
What I'm trying to say is: I'm feeling things changing inside me. And I associate this change directly with my acceptance of being gay. Before, I was straight arrow, following fully through and through, never questioning, always seeking to be obedient. Now, I find myself more crooked arrow, always questioning, being cynical, more willing to doubt, while still seeking to be obedient. I am only pointing out the change. Am I wrong to associate my "self-realization" of coming to terms with being gay and "self-questioning" and realizing I'm not ever going to be the "straight arrow" I thought I was, with questioning and doubting or being cynical and slightly rebellious??? Why do I feel this way? Am I allowing this thing to get to me where I shouldn't? Why do I need to revisit these issues of obedience and discipleship? Why do I have to doubt what the Spirit has already told me to be true? Why do I feel the need to DISTANCE myself from other straight-arrow Peter-Priesthood types? Is it because I'm uncomfortable with them because I'm "not like them" anymore?
Am I heading down the wrong path?
I'm not going off the deep end. I'm still who I am - a believer, seeking to follow the spirit and do what I should. I just find it interesting that I'm noticing that I am no longer the unquestioning believer and I'm finding it okay to explore my rougher edges... and at least see "other ways" than just the "only way". I don't feel it necessary to be straight-arrowed anymore. I am fine with being edgier... letting my hair down (figuratively and literally), being not so perfect...
Is that because I feel I'm broken anyway? Is that because I feel like I've missed out on something on the "other" side? Is that because I feel like I was misled and have been lied to?
I don't know. Sometimes I think I really know who I am. I am anchored. I have a firm foundation... Other times, I think I really don't know who I am. Am I "BECK" or am I the "ME" that I portray to the rest of the world? (More on that topic later).
I feel the Lord knows who I am. I hope I am not getting so prideful to miss the fact that I'm not becoming the best I can be as I dwell on these "issues" too much. I hope I'm not drifting away from the spirit or my attempts at discipleship.
You know... I don't think I really know who I am. I'm still coming to terms with that basic knowledge. I just find it interesting to note the "change" that has occurred with my attitude. Now I need to decide whether that is a good thing or not... and whether I can "still feel" the spirit in my life as Alma asks.