Once, MOHO-Hawaii referred to "types" like me (closeted, married, and coming out LATE in life / accepting realities later verses earlier) as being "adolescent" in my attitudes and feelings when confronted with gay relationships. I guess this still resonates with me, because in many ways, I'm immature for my age (and I'm old).
I allow myself to get easily attached to people. In many ways, this is a good thing as I find myself caring about others deeply - maybe more than I should, and probably more than my male peers. Why is that?
I find myself infatuated or having "crushes" on guys (as I've shown to have had as I've shared in numerous previous posts) and I know those feelings may feel like "love", but in reality are just adolescent immaturity, not too different from my own teenage daughters who are entering the dating world. Why is that? Is it because I am so inexperienced with proper, "normal" emotional and romantic development in life that I've been stunted forever? Am I such damaged goods, that I can't be repaired to have healthy relationships with guys and move on in life? Without embracing a more "experienced mature relationship" outside my marriage, which I plan on not doing (despite what my "crushes" tell me to do), can I ever grow out of this stage of immaturity and adolescent behavior that is "inappropriate" for my age group?
I permit myself to be tied to people within this blogging MOHO community. I get attached to reading your stories, your feelings and experiences. Maybe this isn't healthy for me when I do so to the detriment of my family, my work, my own relationships, or when I am longing for the next response, comment, email or blogging post, like a teenage girl. Is this healthy?
This blogging has helped me to grow from a man that "hated himself for who he was finally admitting he was truly who he was and didn't want to admit that he WAS..." to "accepting things" in a more mature manner. In this way, I feel much growth and maturity and am grateful for this community for helping along this path...
But, I need to find a way to grow and develop and mature more!
In my professional life I am very mature and handle the pressures, stress, circumstances, and complexities of relationships very well, including client-juggling, deadline-meeting, the legal hassles of lawsuits, the disappointments of losing a project, and the joys of a job well done. In my church callings, I am mature and seasoned, and act age-appropriate and experienced. But when it comes to guys and relationships with them, I begin to act immature, desiring more than there really is there to be desired, and wishing for the romance of the fantasy world to be reality. Why do I do that?
These and many more questions, I will be pondering as I take a little time off... I would appreciate any comments or thoughts to help me become a more mature man who is growing in his experiences of life, instead of stagnating in a perpetual adolescent state of silliness...