Friday, June 08, 2007

A Perpetual Adolescent State of Silliness...

Once, MOHO-Hawaii referred to "types" like me (closeted, married, and coming out LATE in life / accepting realities later verses earlier) as being "adolescent" in my attitudes and feelings when confronted with gay relationships. I guess this still resonates with me, because in many ways, I'm immature for my age (and I'm old).

I allow myself to get easily attached to people. In many ways, this is a good thing as I find myself caring about others deeply - maybe more than I should, and probably more than my male peers. Why is that?

I find myself infatuated or having "crushes" on guys (as I've shown to have had as I've shared in numerous previous posts) and I know those feelings may feel like "love", but in reality are just adolescent immaturity, not too different from my own teenage daughters who are entering the dating world. Why is that? Is it because I am so inexperienced with proper, "normal" emotional and romantic development in life that I've been stunted forever? Am I such damaged goods, that I can't be repaired to have healthy relationships with guys and move on in life? Without embracing a more "experienced mature relationship" outside my marriage, which I plan on not doing (despite what my "crushes" tell me to do), can I ever grow out of this stage of immaturity and adolescent behavior that is "inappropriate" for my age group?

I permit myself to be tied to people within this blogging MOHO community. I get attached to reading your stories, your feelings and experiences. Maybe this isn't healthy for me when I do so to the detriment of my family, my work, my own relationships, or when I am longing for the next response, comment, email or blogging post, like a teenage girl. Is this healthy?
This blogging has helped me to grow from a man that "hated himself for who he was finally admitting he was truly who he was and didn't want to admit that he WAS..." to "accepting things" in a more mature manner. In this way, I feel much growth and maturity and am grateful for this community for helping along this path...

But, I need to find a way to grow and develop and mature more!
In my professional life I am very mature and handle the pressures, stress, circumstances, and complexities of relationships very well, including client-juggling, deadline-meeting, the legal hassles of lawsuits, the disappointments of losing a project, and the joys of a job well done. In my church callings, I am mature and seasoned, and act age-appropriate and experienced. But when it comes to guys and relationships with them, I begin to act immature, desiring more than there really is there to be desired, and wishing for the romance of the fantasy world to be reality. Why do I do that?

These and many more questions, I will be pondering as I take a little time off... I would appreciate any comments or thoughts to help me become a more mature man who is growing in his experiences of life, instead of stagnating in a perpetual adolescent state of silliness...


Max Power said...

If I knew how to be a more mature man, I would let you in on my secrets. But, since I don't I would appreciate hearing yours when you figure it out. Good luck!

Kengo Biddles said...

Recognizing that you're not is a good first part. I think that coming to terms with yourself is another. You're on the path, Beck, and you too, Max, and that's better than 0!

MoHoHawaii said...

Although becoming sexually active with men might help with this issue, it's certainly not to be recommended in your situation.

I wish I knew other ways to deal with this. Maybe getting some good male friends would help(following the advice of the reparative therapists).

I think just talking about the issue openly (on your blog) is helpful.

Best of luck to you. Don't feel too bad about this. There's room in this world for all kinds. You're great just the way you are.

santorio said...

i have a great quote for you; just can't find it right now--i'm at work late. tomorrow I'll put it on my blog--some insight from a buddhist.

gentlefriend said...

"Damaged goods"? You are good, not damaged. Is it silly to have strong feelings for some people? If those attractions are kept within appropriate bounds, they can motivate you to be a caring, helping person. (And they have.)They are a natural expression of an emptiness you feel inside (the little boy who wants to be held and loved and stroked.) You can respond to these feelings in an adolescent way and destroy your covenants. That would be silly. I don't see you doing that. You are a passionate, caring person. You know that God has helped you to use your special gifts to bless lives.

If the "maturity" you dream for is to become a distant, dispassionate, reserved individual, it may cause you to lose some of the spontaneous gifts that help you to relate to certain people and bless their lives.

You may beat up on yourself because you haven't achieved this "mature perfection" and only end up burned out and frustrated. Maturity may just be accepting your uniqueness, and building on your strengths while staying within the bounds the Lord has given us.

You bet it's a struggle maintaining a balance with these feelings! Heterosexuals struggle with their emotional feelings and attractions. If you are seeking freedom from the struggle you may not find it in this mortal sphere. In the mean time, roll up your sleeves, there are people out there are people out there who need imperfect you with the gifts you have been given.

Beck said...

"Maturity may just be accepting your uniqueness, and building on your strengths while staying within the bounds the Lord has given us...."

GF - you nailed it. I am not referring to becoming dispassionate and distant in order to be "mature" in my relationships. In fact, just the opposite is true. I'm seeking the self-awareness of my uniqueness and strengths that come from this passion and to use them for good for others and for myself.

Thanks all for your comments!