Not a lot to say. Life goes on and like you, I seek to find a path to be the best I can be.
For whatever reason, today I stumbled across the Affirmation downloads of the proceedings of the recent conference held in SLC two weeks ago. I found the talks to be uplifting and exceptionally inspirational and I thank those that saw to it that these video segments were made available to those of us who have not attended and may never find ourselves in a position to attend, but who are still ever as much part and partakers of the spirit of the message of new frontiers.
I hope someday to be in a situation where I can come to terms with my self-hatred enough to able to attend in the flesh.
17 comments:
Hi Beck,
The self-hatred didn't happen overnight.
The self-healing doesn't happen overnight either.
Coming out to "gay positive" wonderful gay people started me on the path to self-acceptance but, though I made tremendous progress, there were still remnants of self-hatred I just couldn't rid myself of no matter how hard I tried.
Coming out to "gay positive" wonderful straight people was what it took for me to finally rid myself of those last stubborn remnants of self-hatred.
The first group taught me it was possible for a gay person like me to love myself just as I am.
The second group taught me it was possible for a straight person to love me just as I am, too.
So, since one community had years to fill me up with negativity, is it any surprise that it took the other community's at least some time to cancel out all that negativity.
Good to hear from you again.
Regards,
Phil
PHILIP: Great thoughts to ponder. I recognize this takes time... to heal.
Glad to see you around--hugs!
Hi :)
Beck,
There is something else I want to tell you...
Coming out to myself was not enough. I did not feel normal.
Coming out enough to frequent the gay world and briefly come in contact with other gay people was not enough. I still did not feel normal. The best I could do was decompress. But no sooner had I decompressed then I had to re-compress to re-enter the straight world.
Coming out to gay people enough to form friendships was not enough. I could now feel normal but only when I was around other gay people.
Coming out to straight people was not enough. I could now feel normal most of the time but the craving, hunger, urgency, pressure, whatever still ebbed and flowed and never left me.
Forming a close platonic friendship with another gay male was not enough. While it was sexually frustrating to be platonic, after a few weeks I felt a new normalcy. I was no longer so hounded by need but only as long as we spent enough time together. But if, for whatever reason, we spent more than a week or two apart, the old feelings returned. And, of course, there is still the sexual frustration to contend with.
I think this is all about liberation and freedom. Allowing myself to be me. What they call being "your authentic self". And I did it in steps, each step bringing me closer to freedom and giving me a greater and greater sense of normalcy.
I know nothing that happens to me is uncommon.
I don't know where you are now in your journey but maybe some of the steps I have taken can help you, too.
Regards,
Philip
MIGUEL: Glad to see you scoping out this blog when I've all but abandoned it, unsure of where to go with it, or what to be able to offer.
BROR: Hi to you, too! :)
PHILIP: Where am I? I'm at a place of safety and peace with my marriage, yet a place of stagnation, and yes, a place of much self-compression.
I share your desire to someday attend in person. I also share your desire to love unconditionally, myself and others. Thanks for sharing, Beck.
kindness
inspiration
safety
security
Howdy Beck,
To be honest, I hesitate to post to this website after being attacked the last time; but since we seem to share an interest in photos of Platonic male affection, I thought I'd share some comments from an overseas psychiatrist friend of mine. I had recommended a certain photo to him, suggesting it was an image of Pure Platonic Love between two men. But I found out later it was almost certainly a depiction of active homosexual interaction.
This concerned me, as it seemed to suggest I might be somewhat sympathetic in my sensibilities to that kind of behavior—or at least lacking in discernment.
My psych friend (who lectures all around the world) said this:
"Psychology would say that it's not a behavior nor the feeling that determines the nature of a person, but the intention behind the behavior. Once St. Teresa was very disturbed by some dreams she had. She ran to her confessor to tell him what she dreamed and he told her that she was not responsible for what she dreamt, but for what she put her will on.
That is what psychology says. We have in our inner world many feelings, desires, images that came from our ancestors, from our own history, from the mentality of the people we relate to, but our intentions determine our being...."
Therefore I humbly submit to you that perhaps you're feeling disconnected or marginalized from this website, because your INTENTIONS no longer align you with it.
You aren't wallowing in feelings of self-pity or self-justification. You want to find a way out of all undesirable desires permanently, it seems to me. And that can only come in one way: by changing the attention and rising out of them. Where your thought is, there you are. For you are your consciousness. And what you meditate upon, you become.
Human desires are INSATIABLE.
Assuming you continue holding to God as you know it, I feel certain one day you'll meet a guy whom you'll love so intensely and so purely, that you won't even consider entertaining the thought of sex with him. And then will come the Feeling of Peace, and the Satisfaction which is Eternal. Then you'll know what True Friendship and Platonic Love really mean, and what they can do for you.
And until then, stay as close as possible to the Beloved Master, asking Him to bring you that Place of Safety—and to utterly silence the devilish influences which don't want you to get there, and will do everything they can to keep you from that goal, in order to justify the gratification of their own sex desires.
All the best,
John
Beck,
I stumbled on your blog while googling a quote for my lesson. I started reading and couldn't stop because you are so authentic and articulate. Your struggle with homosexuality is not unlike other struggles in life. For example, from my youth I have been considered a beautiful female by many males. Being raised in the gospel, I knew that immoral behavior was second only to murder in God's eyes.(Mormon or not, that is a fundamental Christian belief and I've always believed in Christ and a Father in heaven.) As I contemplated what I would do (for a career) and who I would become, I struggled between being a single, powerful corporate attorney with a different man when I bored of the one that I had, and getting married, raising children, and being content to stay at home. I chose to be a stay at home mom for the most part. I have a master's degree, but did not pursue law because I knew that it would require me long work hours away from home. I'm a type A perfectionist so I could not be content being a mediocre lawyer. I am CONSTANTLY solicited by men even now. I have men even acknowledge that I'm married before they solicit me to become involved with them. I have had a very wealthy man offer me his adoring attention that had I responded to positively would have lead to other roads outside of my marriage and children. My point is this, I still choose everyday my life. I sacrifice my natural tendency for what is right according the moral compass that I have develop through many trials and tests of faith. Be careful with exploring thoughts that are not in accordance with what you know to be right. Our thoughts lead to our actions. It is more courageous to deny oneself of inappropriate expressions of behavior-(originating as thoughts) than to defile the whole body and soul with freedom of expression. We live in an age promoting freedom of expression, but expression should be censored when it is not in line with Christ and his commandments. We do not and should not tolerate child molestation. Is this not a moral issue of attraction as well? Most child molesters will tell you that from their youth they were attracted to young children. If this was your struggle- attraction to children- would your counselor have you explore what that would be like for you? Do you see the danger in the activities your counselor is asking you to do? I understand that we live in a society that accepts homosexuality unlike child molestation. (I hope I don't live to see the day when we accept child molestation because we are born with that attraction.) However, society cannot stand between you and God's judgement in the end. You won't be able to hind behind the excuse that it was okay by society or your friend. No more than a child molester can stand behind the excuse that he was born that way and not have to go to jail in society for acting upon his nature.
1rst of 2
2nd of 2
Your weakness, is like many others weaknesses. It will either exalt you or damn you and you have the freedom to choose that. I believe their is a God and a Devil. There is good and evil upon this earth. For us to receive the blessings of good we have to live a good life according to our Heavenly Father. I believe all of us will make big sacrifices to become like our Father in heaven to be qualified to receive all that he has. I also believe that the sacrifices we make now will be more than worth it. I also believe that your giving up on the moral code you believe to be true will not make you free, but put you into bondage and separate you from the Love of God which is ultimately the joy spoken of in the scriptures. Don't be fooled into mistaking pleasures of this world as true happiness/joy. Joy according to Lehi is the love of God. Hold onto the truths you have been taught. Whenever I have digressed from the path, in pursuit of something-(that deep down I knew was wrong) that I thought I was being held back from, I was not freed but, ended up feeling more disturbed, regretful, shameful, and guilty. And, the biggest loss of all was the companionship of the spirit. I lost the "peace that comes from the presence of God" amidst my trials. How is your not acting on homosexual feelings any different than someone not acting on heterosexual feelings inappropriately? There are many members who have not been able to be married in this life-be they homosexual or heterosexual. These trials appear to be exactly the same to me on the inside, just wrapped differently on the outside. Don't do anything that will take you away from your Heavenly Father. It is never worth it not matter how enticingly wrapped it may be.
ANON:
First of all, I appreciate you commenting. I really don't have a lot to say anymore here and just happened to check to see if anyone had commented at all and was surprised to see that something I've said here triggered you to respond.
As you may note, I have used this blog to help me through my self-acceptance. I do not find this attraction I have for men as a "weakness". It just is an attraction like any other heterosexual attraction. I no longer consider myself "weak" for being attracted to men, nor do I view this as a shortcoming to overcome. I have had personal spiritual assurances of that, even in the temple no less!
Also, you state: "How is your not acting on homosexual feelings any different than someone not acting on heterosexual feelings inappropriately?" There is a huge difference. Acting on a heterosexual feeling is viewed as "normal" and acceptable and even encouraged as a good and wonderful and necessary and eternally vital thing to have and do - as one keeps it within the bounds the Lord has set. This feeing is God-given. A homosexual feeling, however,is viewed as evil, warped, unnatural, and absolutely wrong, even when kept within the bounds the Lord has set - yet just as much God-given.
I didn't choose how my attractions work any more than you did as a heterosexual. Yet, as I abstain, I am looked upon as moral in the eyes of the Church, but I am still looked upon by most as a freak of nature for what I did not choose.
I am not proposing that I will someday abandon my beliefs of what I personally know to be true and valid and authentic for me, including my testimony of this Gospel and the Plan. However, I hope you will be a bit more understanding that the reversal of the situation is not the same, and this is a hard and long road I have chosen.
Just contemplate the reversal of your situation: what if your inner most attractions, as natural and authentic as they may be, were viewed as despicable and wicked and pure evil? Then what?
And though you didn't do it completely, (you almost did), please don't equate homosexuality with child molestation... even the very subtle implication is very offensive.
I am curious how you came upon my blog, particularly in preparation for a "lesson". I assume a church lesson. Am I right? Maybe it's a lesson on the long-suffering, the self-infliction, and the self-pity that some fall into along their personal road to Calvary? I really would like to know.
I am here to say that I do believe. I have a firm testimony. I know the Plan and firmly have committed to it. But ANON, it just isn't that easy to just say that such attractions that I experience (and enjoy) every day can be swept away, particularly when they are just as God-given and good and natural as any other heterosexual attractions.
Beck--It was a wonderful conference. I wish I'd been able to attend more of it, but on the other hand, trying to attend the entire "circling the wagons" conference this past weekend just about did me in. For some reason it brought me back to the blogging world today, too.
I hope that someday you'll be able to attend as you dream to do so.
We should chat. Maybe do lunch or something. Hugs
Dear Beck,
Thank you for helping me understand people in your situation a little better. I do not completely understand same-sex attraction because I am not homosexual. I do, however, know many LDS homosexuals. They are an inspiration to me as I see their strength and willingness to act on their faith. I feel God loves you very much and even though I've never met you, I DO wish you the best of luck and hope you are able to overcome all trials set before you. I know the church is true and I appreciate your testimony.
-Note: Your post led me to learn more about homosexuality by searching it on lds.org. It was enlightening, thanks!
And another note: I hope if you still are struggling with self-hatred you will make further use of" the enabling power of the atonement" which aside of helping us repent of sins can help with personal feelings of grief, inadequacy, and discouragement. Good luck to you and your family and thanks for reading my whole comment ;)
viewing or living? perhaps an operatic memory of nature, beauty, gratitude and angst
E lucevan le stelle ...
ed olezzava la terra
stridea l'uscio dell'orto ...
e un passo sfiorava la rena ...
Entrava ella fragrante,
mi cadea fra le braccia.
O! dolci baci, o languide carezze,
mentr'io fremente le belle forme disciogliea dai veli!
Svanì per sempre il sogno mio d'amore.
L'ora è fuggita, e muoio disperato!
E muoio disperato!
E non ho amato mai tanto la vita,
tanto la vita!
Obrigado, por tudo que compartilhas-tes até agora, oro para que fiques bem, te adoro pela coragem de se expor de alguma forma, beijos!
Hey Beck,
It's been a long time since I've looked at moho blogs so I'd thought I'd start with yours. You sound wonderful, the same introspective, honest, open to suggestions, as you have always been. Granted that someone new could read your posts and think you are at the edge of a cliff, about to go over. But to continue these geologic metaphors, I think of you as a rock. And it was great to see so many familiar names on other comments. Thanks for continuing your blog; you've saved a lot of mohos from pain and unhappiness.
Santorio
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