At this time of year, with all of the festivities of the season all around us, you'd think my thoughts would be centered on family, loved ones, and Christ. Though I am blessed with an amazing family, devoted loved ones, and a firm conviction of Christ, why then, do I feel consumed with loneliness, and longing endlessly for that which I cannot have, nor ever will? Why am I finding it even more difficult to concentrate on work, on family, on those blessed things around me? Why am I consumed in that which I have forbidden myself to share in?
I cannot sleep. I am wrestless. There is a stirring inside that never ends. It is a nagging, cramping ache that is chronic and eternal. I am finding it more and more difficult to go to bed... when I go to bed my mind races with thoughts and images and dreams of those forbidden things. It overwhelms me. I break out in a sweat and the anxiety is suffocating. I can't seem to shake it, nor overcome it. I feel like it is overcoming me... I end up obsessing over it and start castigating myself for letting this linger so long and befuddle me so.
Not a very merry post of tidings of great joy, no? I really am truly blessed with bounty and joy... so why can I not feel it so now? Why am I feeling such loneliness and emptiness surrounded by such bounty and joy?
All I want for Christmas is to give and receive a kiss... a simple kiss. Do you want to do a gift exchange and share a kiss with me?
Merry Christmas to you and yours. May you find peace and plenty, comfort and joy, affinity and affection!!! May you be blessed with loved ones surrounding you. May you find satisfaction in your choices you make each day. And may you be able to sleep at night....
9 comments:
Ah dear Beck!
Do you think you can possibly train yourself to stop obsessing about it — or if not completely stop at least scale it way down? You make yourself miserable by constantly reminding yourself of what you want and will not have. To the extent you can learn to put those thoughts out of mind whenever they arise, you'll be less unhappy.
Of course, you can't just tell yourself, "Stop thinking about that." You need to have something else to turn your attention to, not necessarily always the same thing — family, food, work, hobbies. Maybe start with a little prayer, "Heavenly Father, help me to think of other things," and then turn your mind to something good or something important.
May you have a blessed and joyous Christmas and a happy and fulfilling new year.
I can do that for a while and with great success, as I concentrate on others, on service, on spiritual contemplation... but sooner than later it comes back and rolls over me and consumes me to the point that I dread sleeping. I need something more, anything more...
Blessed Christmas to you! Thank you for your thoughtfulness.
So many things I could say about this posting but please know that you're in my thoughts and I'm sending you lots of virtual hugs in lieu of being able to offer them in person.
Hugs (again),Miguel
You sound pretty normal to me, if that helps any. A hug and a kiss from me. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
May you find comfort and peace in the memory of kisses you've received throughout your life. Kisses when you were an infant and kissed you have given others over the years. Even kisses written on paper or XXXOOO on your phone.
And may you be blessed with the ability to sleep well and dream the dreams that will affirm and embrace you.
MIGUEL: I wish you would say what your thoughts are. That's why I blog and you comment... I need your feedback. Thank you for your hug!
BROR: If this is normal, my friend, then why do I feel so completely alone, lost, confused and anxious? I know what you mean and I'm sorry you feel so, too. But please, there's got to be another "normal" out there, no? MERRY CHRISTMAS to you, too.
NED: I need a kiss and you know that special place where it can be shared. Real kisses to you!
A kiss would be great. I think about that, holding hands, snuggling, and other forms of physical closeness and intimacy more than sex. It is lonely to be where we are to be loved but not exactly how we want to be.
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