The journey of a married Mormon man who is attracted to other men.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
May you find comfort and joy!
At this time of year, with all of the festivities of the season all around us, you'd think my thoughts would be centered on family, loved ones, and Christ. Though I am blessed with an amazing family, devoted loved ones, and a firm conviction of Christ, why then, do I feel consumed with loneliness, and longing endlessly for that which I cannot have, nor ever will? Why am I finding it even more difficult to concentrate on work, on family, on those blessed things around me? Why am I consumed in that which I have forbidden myself to share in?
I cannot sleep. I am wrestless. There is a stirring inside that never ends. It is a nagging, cramping ache that is chronic and eternal. I am finding it more and more difficult to go to bed... when I go to bed my mind races with thoughts and images and dreams of those forbidden things. It overwhelms me. I break out in a sweat and the anxiety is suffocating. I can't seem to shake it, nor overcome it. I feel like it is overcoming me... I end up obsessing over it and start castigating myself for letting this linger so long and befuddle me so.
Not a very merry post of tidings of great joy, no? I really am truly blessed with bounty and joy... so why can I not feel it so now? Why am I feeling such loneliness and emptiness surrounded by such bounty and joy?
All I want for Christmas is to give and receive a kiss... a simple kiss. Do you want to do a gift exchange and share a kiss with me?
Merry Christmas to you and yours. May you find peace and plenty, comfort and joy, affinity and affection!!! May you be blessed with loved ones surrounding you. May you find satisfaction in your choices you make each day. And may you be able to sleep at night....