Saturday, April 14, 2012

The 7th year begins!

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the 7th year of this blog! When it began, I really didn't see this far into the future. Actually, in some ways, I thought I would have moved on by now, either:

1. moved beyond the hate and guilt and mistrust in my feelings and attractions and come to face the reality of my gayness, embrace it and all things 'gay', abandon my marriage, and never look back, or...

2. moved beyond the need for a blog and all things MOHOspherish and accepted myself for who I am while embracing the other parts of me, including my marriage, in a way that brought me fulfillment and joy, and no longer required some touch with this community anymore as I would have figured it all out and have nothing more to ponder out loud to a cyber audience.

Well, here I still am... and I still find a need to be here. The path I've chosen through these six years has not taken me through Door no. 1. I have chosen Door no. 2, and yet, that "fulfilment and joy" part, though sprinkled with happiness, is still lacking. There remains a hole in my heart, an emptiness that sometimes consumes me, a void that cannot be filled.

I am well beyond the "woe is me" mode of self-pity. I feel I have progressed somewhat in the direction of self-acceptance and self-assurance. You be the judge and tell me what you think. I feel I have internally come to terms with the essence of who I am and always have been. I have come to willing accept this as a wonderful part of my eternal being. And this blog has documented how I've received intimate and personal revelation in the Temple - a voice in my head as a clear and powerful message - from the Holy Ghost confirming that it's okay to be who I am, it's even okay to laugh about being distracted by beautiful men in the Lord's House, and that the Lord is laughing WITH me, not AT me, lovingly and gracefully acknowledging me - the whole me, the me that I've come to know and accept. I find peace and comfort, even progress in that.

Yet, I'm still stuck. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm trapped. I sense no real progression. I am not able to go forward, nor backward. I'm not OUT and so I'm still a prisoner in my own skin and circumstance. I have progressed to this point, but cannot progress any further. I've hit that hard ceiling of my closet's firm lid. My commitments, circumstances, environment, covenants, sacred vows, promises, keep me anchored for sure, anchored in good ways, but anchored nonetheless in this box. My convictions and personal witnesses are many and I am indeed grateful for the numerous tender mercies that keep me connected to that rod of iron, yet iron nonetheless around this ankle.

I've heard it said that if one is not moving forward, one is actually moving backward. Progress is only when one takes steps to change.

In some ways I have changed. I used to beg the Lord for the healing power of the atonement to HEAL me and make me whole from these afflicting attractions. I used to plead for the strengthening power of the atonement to STRENGTHEN me to resist these attractions and temptations. I now beg and plead for the Lord to HEAL my empty heart and feel the void that remains from years of self-loathing and guilt. I now plead for the Lord to STRENGTHEN me to be fearless in my self-acceptance, and to fight the fears that continue to plague me, each day wondering when I will stand up and be counted among the brave ones who don't shun their eternal true nature.

But I am not healed, nor free of guilt. And I remain fearful and weak, very weak, indeed.

In the coming days and weeks, I hope to write some more. I hope to find the inspiration that has recently been lacking, to place my thoughts again on this page. For you see... I still need this blog! Even if just for me to get it out there to be seen and heard by no one else but me! I still need to reach out, even be understood.

The readers of six years ago are mostly long gone, having moved on, progressed forward and upward to better places and better stages of life. Who is left? Who is out there? I need to know you are there. I don't chat anymore. I don't reach out to you as I did before. I don't meet you, break bread with you, embrace you. I hardly embrace anyone anymore, which is sad. I catch myself and stop myself from "doing what comes naturally" and each time I do, I do so consciously and purposefully limiting my reach, my touch - thus expanding that void.

In the real world, there's a shell, an empty man of lies and confusion, still in great need - six long years later!


Ned said...

I am honored to continue to be your friend, Beck. Thank you for all you've done to help me and so many others.

MoHoHawaii said...

Still here; still reading. I look forward to your posts.

Trev said...

I'm here and as addicted to your blog as I am to all the Moho Directory blogs. :)

Gay LDS Actor said...

Still here, waiting for you to write.

GeckoMan said...

Beck, dear Beck! I'm still here, too. I should start writing again--I trust we all have more to say.

In fact, I shall post a recent article I wrote for Exponent II, for their upcoming Spring 2012 Quarterly on LGBT issues. Stay tuned.

2Whls said...

Beck, I have been following your blog for some time now and have missed not hearing from you for the last stretch. You say you are weak, but I say your are more stuck than weak: with understanding. Your circumstances keep you from moving forward. I think you are not quite ready to make the final step in coming out. It may not be the right time. You have to decide for yourself when that is best. Don't worry about moving forward. Just keep trying to be true to yourself and you will make the move when you are ready. I offer my support and well wishes. Keep being you.

Beck said...

NED, MOHOH, TREV: Always good to know that you're out there still reading. I appreciate the sustaining influence and am "honored" in turn.

Beck said...

CODY: I've been waiting to write as well... I just haven't felt motivated to do so. Maybe I feel so much in a rut regarding that state of my situation that it all seems so trivial, stuck-in-the-mud same ol' same ol' that why should I. What's the point?

But then I think... maybe not writing is part of the stagnation. Maybe writing can wake me up to new realities... Could that be?

You've been around with me essentially the entire six years! Thanks, my friend.

GECKO: Good to know you are still here, too, and that you're writing. I will stay tuned to read your article. Please send me the link.

Beck said...

2WHLS: I am stronger than when I began. I don't beat myself up. I don't linger in guilt and self-loathing as frequently as I once did. I am more confident and self-accepting. So, yes, I do feel "stronger", but... still stuck.

Right now isn't the time to come out the rest of the way. "Right now" may never come. When is the right time? When does one pull back, unhitch the wagon, and push forward on a different path?

I'm wrestling between enduring to the end with Faith, verses simply enduring. Is there value in just keepin' on to keep on?

What does "true to yourself" mean? If I am true to myself (authentic and self-accepting and in-the-present) then when does that manifest itself beyond one's self awareness?

Thanks for your support and well wishes. I still am me... and "me" still includes many parts of what makes me "stuck".

Crisco said...

Beck, it is always good to hear from you. I'm still around too though also not writing frequently. You are inspiring and so many times I've read your blog and said, "this guy is going through so many of the same things I am--I'm not alone." Thank you for sharing with us.

Sandra said...

Beck, I have been reading your blog for a little over 2 years. Thanks for posting and sharing.

Miguel said...

Glad to know you're well and yes, I also continue to follow what you write.

Brent Olsen said...
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Brent said...

Beck, I've been reading your blog for at least a couple of years now. There was a while you went private and I regretted never commenting on your blog or making some type of connection so I could be "invited" to continue to read. It wasn't until several months ago that I again stumbled back on your blog to find it was again open to the public. Your thoughts are inspiring, your unwavering commitment to the gospel and to your wife is so very reassuring to me. For very selfish reasons, I am glad you feel the need to continue posting on your blog. 7 years is no small task, you've proven you can overcome any obstacle. Thank you for allowing some spectators, my guess there are far many more that you have never heard from but that continue to be inspired and lifted up by your example and who are also warmed to you because of how much you open yourself up here. I for one am very grateful for what you have created here and hope you will continue.

Beck said...

CRISCO: So good to know you're still around. So many of us have dropped off in frequency that it's good to be reminded that we are still here for each other!

MIGUEL: Hugs back to you!

BRENT: Thank you for reaching out and commenting. You're right... I don't have a clue how many are out there that read and find hope in my dribbles that I write of this confused and compromised life I lead, and your coming forward and encouraging me to continue is inspiring in return.

I don't feel inspired because I don't have answers for anyone but myself, and even then, I don't have answers. But thanks for being here, and please feel free to comment again.

Beck said...
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Beck said...

SANDRA: I'm curious... what is it that draws you to this blog for two years?

Adrian said...

I have been following your blog for quite some time, a year or two. We have quite a bit in common in regard to the church and family.
Keep writing, it's all good.

Scott N said...

You're still in my feed reader, so when you post, I see it. =)

I don't comment much anymore, because I'm not sure that I have anything to offer. My choices are so different from the ones you've made, and they're so right (for me) that I worry that I'll come across as promoting my path and criticizing yours.

But I hope you know that you have my love and support wherever your journey leads you.


Beck said...

ADRIAN: I know you're out there and thanks for reassuring me you're still there.

SCOTT: All I can say is: I know and I understand! And I appreciate your sensitivity to my different choices. Your love and support, nevertheless, are priceless.

Beck said...
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Bror said...

I'm still here too dude.

Sandra said...

A little over 2 years ago I came out to my family. I also shared my story with a friend that I known for 5+ years. Turns out he also had recently come out and had been blogging. Robert introduced me to the MOHO world. I have been reading yours and many other blogs since. Your thoughts along with others help me consider my own experience and the direction I want to go. So thank you again for blogging.

robert said...

good to know you are still in the world of self discovery. you are precious to many

Anonymous said...

Damon in CO:

Hi Beck, I don't know if you'll see this, or remember me, because I am responding several months after you posted this and I rarely post anymore.

I haven't been here from the beginning, but I've been here for a while now...4 years, I think. I don't often post, but I sure as heck still read.

My heart and soul reaches out to you often wanting to help, provide comfort, and love. I hope you find a progression to a solution of some sort. I can't tell you the way to go, I can offer insight and share my path and it's adventures. However, I can't tell you what is right for you. None of us can.

Whatever happens and wherever you end up in the long run, I want you to be a peace with your choices, happy with the decision you've made and hopefully will have done so without regret.

Still reading, even if mostly just from the sidelines. Know always that you're not the only one and you're not alone.