Saturday, April 30, 2011

Finding Balance...

It's been a while since I've blogged... I guess I'm allowing myself to get out of the habit of blogging. I've even allowed my bloggiverary to pass by without comment. It's been over five years now since I started this on-line journal. 2006 seems like a lifetime ago! How totally different this community was five years ago... so many have come and gone. Some things have changed with me; many things are the same - but both are mostly the way they are by choice, and being content with my choices has been a good development.


Being seriously busy with work and life has kept me from concentrating too much on other "aspects" of my life. It's like I get into these modes where I allow one part of my life to overrun all others. Right now it is the pressure of work that is running the show, dictating almost all else that is going on, even the drama and dilemmas facing my family. The "gay" hasn't diminished, but has become more manageable - not sure whether that is good or bad. That's proven to work for a while, but then it tends to catch up - funny how it finds a way to seek its own equilibrium whether I desire it to do so or not. Before I would describe this phenomenon as a volcano ready to erupt inside me with angst boiling to the surface. Lately it's been a mild rumble stirring below the surface. Someday I'm sure there will be another eruption - it's a bit dormant verses extinct - I'm just not sure when or with what form it will take... but I'm sure there will be more to blog about when (not if) it does...

Meanwhile,


I'm still not sure if coming out to my kids was a good idea or not. Neither wants to discuss it, and neither has become "closer" to me, though I haven't sensed any drastic pulling away either... maybe it's finding its own equilibrium as well. I'm trying to show that I'm not any different and hope they sense no difference from me.

With work taking me on the road a lot, my marriage suffers and I have to remember to rebond with my wife when I return home, even if it isn't the natural thing to do. I miss her, but not in the form of the movie-cliche of rushing home to her awaiting arms and swallowing her whole. Yeah, it's still work, but dancing in the kitchen, cuddling, and just talking through the stress of the family brings us together again.


Balancing! Someday I hope to obtain it. It's what life is all about - hopefully I can keep myself from turning into knots in the process...

14 comments:

Bror said...

Yay! A post from Beck. :) It's always good to hear from you.

Beck said...

Wait a minute! You mean I still have a reader out there?

Bror said...

Yes, I am your loyal and faithful follower for ever. :)

Beck said...

So if you are following, who is leading the way and where are we going?

Bror said...

That I am not sure of and it really doesn't matter since we both are on the same journey. It's just so much better to make this journey to where ever with a good friend who just understands.

MoHoHawaii said...

Happy 5th bloggerversary. Let's hope for 5 more.

I'm going to guess that the old level of angst is gone for good. You've processed a lot in these last years. Yes, the volcano may erupt again, but you'll be able to handle it.

Beck said...

MOHOH: Thanks for the kindness and tenderness you've shown me through the years, and for your understanding and thoughtfulness and guidance as well. It has been a journey.

I never thought I would still be blogging five years later. Though I'm not blogging nearly as frequently (and that has much to do with the peace and relatively low level of angst I currently find myself enjoying), it is amazing to think that five years have gone by and I'm still here, still sharing, still trying to live my life and do it in the best way that I know how for myself and for my loved ones.

I have chosen my steps slowly, but in so doing, I have felt at peace with my chosen direction.

Though I'm not totally "in balance", I am feeling like the "old level of angst is gone for good!" And a lot of thanks goes to this blogging community and to you for that.

Bravone said...

Ah balance... the ultimate quest. So glad much of the angst is gone. Being out to the family at least takes that worry out of the way, and I believe, in the long run, will strengthen your relationships.

I'm out now to all who truly matter in my life, including my favorite mission companion - not to worry. My "story" is coming out in a book published by DB in June, so I wanted to let those I most care about hear it from me first. The whole outing process has taken much of angst out of my life as well.

Now if I can just conquer the spiritual doubts. Where's a good MTC teacher when you need one?

Beck said...

BRAVONE: I think spiritual conviction verses spiritual doubt is the bigger "struggle". I don't have the answers, but I do believe that my slow and steady steps through this process of uncertainty and self-acceptance are because of a foundation that keeps me anchored when doubts arise. It's the "remember, remember" from Helaman 5:12 that helps me to weather the storm.

Ned said...

Beck, you speak, thanks for checking in. Seeing fresh words from you reminds me of dreams I've had over the decades about my dad. I'll be on the telephone with him and it will be so nice to hear his voice again and then I'll wake up, both warmed from the contact and saddened that what seemed so real is not. I know you're real, Beck. We still share a journey that includes decades-long MOM relationships, some offspring who know of our gayness, and busy professional lives. Congrats on finding some peace in the process and thank you for sharing the years you have shared here. Of course I hope you'll share more, but "knowing how way leads on to way" I realize that's less likely. May you continue to be blessed and to bless others as you move forward.

Beck said...

NED: Yes, I am still real. I am still here. I haven't died, nor moved on. I hope I'm moving "forward", but it feels more like a "calm before the storm to come".

Adon said...

Hang In there, buddy. From people that I have met here, I've learned that family memebers all respond differently. I do envy your courage in coming out the way that you have to your family. Our drive to "come out" usually is derived from our desire to feel free of secrecy and an inner hope that we can be accepted "for who we are" by those people closest to us, that they will love us anyway.

Personnaly I've encountered disappointment in my efforts to be open with my family. If I had it to do over, I would never have opened myself up to the negative responses that I have experienced. Saying that I would never discourage anyone from making similar attempts in their lives. Most likely they would have better success than I have.

I truly wish you the best. And as a member of the church, I feel a great kinship with you. Someday it is my hope I can meet you and other gay members of the church that have come to respect....Adon

Sean said...

Hi Beck!

I'm glad that you are doing well. I hope that you continue to find some balance and happiness in life.

About your kids, you're kids have to come out too. That's the advice I usually give the other way around. You're going to have to give them time. Let them come to terms with everything. Then they will get closer to you. It may take weeks, months, or years. For me, it took my parents nearly 5 years. Just keep being yourself and they will see you are exactly the same person.

Love you friend!

Sean

Beck said...

ADON: I certainly hope that someday we can meet. One good thing that this community has done for me over the last five years is remind me that I'm not so alone. At times, particularly in positions like ours, it feels very much like we are the only ones going through this. If anything else, this blogging has given me a sense that that belief is not true.

I sometimes wonder if it would have been better had I never come out to my wife - but as I look back, I do see that we are stronger and better because of this honesty between us. I hope you can find it better, too.

SEAN: It's been two months - I guess I owe them a bit more time to realize that I'm still the same Dad they thought they had previous to our "talk". Someday I hope it will be a total non-issue... I'm willing to be patient. Thanks for your wisdom my friend!