Lately I've blogged less, as I wait for something to happen that may be worth blogging about - and thus, I concentrate maybe too much on the perplexities (and therefore the implied miserable and pathetic existence) from my life's choices as a closeted gay man. In my last post I received one comment that called me a "liar"! And another who "cries for my situation"!
There is a pitied implication that I am a sad, frustrated, angry man. I am not! Just because my blog concentrates on this one aspect of my life in a direct way with often frustrating overtones does not imply that I am unhappy. I am full of gratitude for the goodness that has touched and continues to touch my life in so many wonderful dimensions.
I do not feel that I am a liar. I admit that I have been. I've made a lifelong career of hiding the truth of who I am from everyone, including myself. But whether I am "totally out, partially out, or not out at all" is not so important to me as being honest with and accepting of myself.
I am content with my choices. Whether you think I'm "settling" for something less than true joy is not for you to say or judge. I have not revealed, nor discussed all aspects of my life, situations that affect my decisions of what may be viewed as "settling". I want you to be content that I'm content with my choices.
Who are you to tell me that I would be better off making better choices? Or how can you say that I would be happier if I were, for example, to leave my wife and kids and family situation? Or church affiliation? Caspita'! Or more in a more appropriate Italian exclamation: Porca miseria! (Pig misery!)
Don't pity me! I don't need your pity! I'm neither seeking it nor requiring it, especially from this readership that I would hope would have a better understanding. And don't "cry for my situation"! I am happy in my situation. With every choice there are pros and cons, compromises to be made, and I've had well enough time to weigh those choices before me. I am thrilled with my life and count myself blessed.
If my choices are more reserved, less inclusive of what you may feel would be my "full potential" if I were only to... (fill in the blank), then I ask, instead, that you see the good in what I am doing and the steps I'm taking as I journey along this selected path. Celebrate with me this journey as I try to celebrate yours.
Maybe I'm feeling a twinge of jealousy as I observe you moving on with your lives?. Maybe an inkling of envy? Maybe, but I hope there remains room in this MOHO community for one like me who, against others hopes that the misery factor of a MOM will finally bring me to my proper senses. Not all MOMS are miserable existences! Mine certainly is not! I have found great joy and passion and love. Obviously my wife has, too. We are best together than apart. She makes me better, even my best, with her at my side. She is my better-half. She compliments and completes me. It takes work, it isn't easy, it isn't even preferred, but it is still wonderful. And as long as we create that miraculous romance-movie "magic" for each other, then don't judge our MOM to be some kind of torture chamber filled prison sentence - the only reason for enduring such a marriage is that false hope of some eternal exaltation.
Don't shake your head in pity or disdain for my continued devotion to my family, my marriage, and my beliefs. Instead, let's work together to lift, motivate, encourage, love.
Maybe I'm over-reacting. I tend to do that, so I'm sure I am. It's another characteristic of mine that needs a lot of improvement. I feel more and more challenged in my decisions as I fail to deviate from my path as I've witnessed others doing. Maybe that is more implied inside my head by my lack of assurance that what I'm doing is completely right for me? Maybe...
10 comments:
I think you are doing a wonderful job of expressing yourself. Don't worry about the comments. Being honest means opening yourself up to criticism. Best Regards.
Seems to me you're doing a pretty good job.
Nice post man! I like reading your stuff. Ignore the douche bags out there.
Some people live in closets, others in beautifully designed homes with views of mountains and sunsets. I think of you living in a sun-drenched home not a mere closet. But then again I am also a home dweller.
I am glad you are grateful and that in your gratitude you are honest with yourself and accepting of yourself. Your self acceptance, helps me accept myself. Thanks for sharing that light.
I won't cry for you, Beck my buddy
The truth is I'll always cheer you
All through your wild days
Your glad existence
I'll keep my promise
Don’t keep your distance
Beck, you get the most comments on all your posts. Everybody must love you or love attacking you. It sounds like it's both. haha!
I can totally hear you singing, "Don't cry for me MoHo Bloggers..."
Express yourself and don't worry about what others think. You are who you are and if they don't like you, then they can stop reading and commenting, which probably won't happen.
Anyways, love and hugs!
Sean
PS There is a lot of Madonna themes in this comment. Awesome!
I just found your blog. As a fellow married Moho, I find your post extremely encouraging. I feel like sometimes I react strongly too, but I think that's alright. Keep up the good work!
MOHOGUY: You think I'd learn after 5 years of blogging to have thicker skin.
NATURGESETZ: Thanks.
AKGAY: I'm not against differing opinions about my writings on this blog. In fact, I seek them and appreciate them most as I learn from them... sometimes one needs a good slap on the head, but one never needs pity.
NED: Thanks for not breaking out in song! :)
SEAN: You, too!
It is sooo good to see you still hanging around. I sincerely hope your life is going well.
ALEX: Welcome to my blog and welcome to the MOHO community. I hope you can find the support and understanding that you seek as you journey a similar journey of a MOM in the church. Whether you are as "successful" in negotiating the numerous pitfalls along the way as I have, well... don't worry because you're pitfalls are all your own. To understand mine, you'd have to start from the beginning nearly five years ago to see whether there is progress being made. I don't recommend it (even for myself) though I often thought it might be an intriguing exercise in the mindset of a closeted gay Mormon in a MOM now nearly 3 decades.
Anyway, just glad to see you around and hope you can find your own way.
How could I NOT break into song when thinking of you, Beck?
I gotta sing, just like insects gotta do their thing...which reminds me of this classic from Oscar Hammerstein and Jerome Kern...
Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly,
I gotta love one man 'til I die,
So I can't help lovin' that man of mine.
Now, tell me he's lazy, tell me he's slow,
Tell me I'm crazy, maybe I know,
But I can't help lovin' that man of mine!
That day he goes away
Is a rainy day,
But when he comes back,
That day is fine
And the sun will shine!
And, maybe I can stay out as late as can be,
Home without him ain't nothin' to me;
But I can't help lovin' that man of mine!
Isn't it wonderful that you can get stuff like that out of a couple of guys named Oscar and Jerome, or maybe it's in part because they were named Oscar and Jerome that they were so prolific. ;)
As another very happy man in a mixed orientation marriage, I simply say Amen.
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