No "Beck Boy" pictures mesmerisingly staring back at you this time. I'm not in the mood.
I was going to blog on my thoughts on the new CHI, but I've put that on the back burner right now as my earthly life has forever changed this week. And though I somewhat expected this day to come, it still doesn't matter how much you prepare yourself or anticipate the day when you lose your parents, it still isn't enough to adequately prepare you for the ache I now feel.
I have worked through the obit and the funeral services yesterday and this morning and made all the arrangements (which has been a blessing in its own way) and have tried to be "patriarchal" (being the only son)helping my sisters through their pain and tears, but right now it is hitting me really hard, and I can't work, and I don't feel very good about things and I don't particularly feel very patriarchal.
I don't want to celebrate her life. I don't feel like celebrating much at all. Of course she was a great elect lady, a truly amazing source of love and devotion to me, and she led an amazingly wonderful life. So much of who I am and how I feel and why I feel the way I do comes directly from her impact on my life.
I know she was suffering and didn't want to be here anymore. I know she wanted to go, but I didn't want her to go. I selfishly wanted her to be better and return home to her life as it was before and that everything would just continue on.
On Sunday she was doing well... a bit lethargic, but still okay, so I took off on a business trip, coming to find out that soon thereafter she began slipping away. I managed to get to her bedside in the ICU by Wednesday afternoon in time to see her, to have her see me and recognize me and to acknowledge that she knew I was there, and then... within an hour or so, she was gone...
I know that in and of itself should be enough of a tender mercy for me to hold onto. She did care and wanted me to be there and did all in her power to make it so and was "granted" that wish that we both had... it still sucks!
I have seen others die before, but never my mom... watching her slowly, slowly stop breathing. It was the most heart-wrenching experience I have had to do. Of course she is "better" on the other side, and is free from the pain and suffering and so why should I linger over the idea that I still want her here? Let her go!
I have blogged that I firmly hold a belief of strong hope in "the Plan". I feel I grasp the concept of eternal life and families lasting forever. But watching her spirit leave her body, witnessing her last breath and finally feeling her last heart beat and then coldly nothing... it's hard! It's really, really hard. It is harder than I thought it would be.
I have regrets. I regret that I was worried more about my next job and next trip and next obligation than in spending time holding her hand or running my fingers through her hair. I regret that I wasn't the supporting son that was always there for her - sure, I was there, but she wasn't my top priority. She was always going to get better and so there was nothing to worry about, right?
Mom never "knew" about me. I never felt the need for her to "know". Yet, she knew. She knew I was different and she loved me for who I was and never questioned my feelings or motives. I guess I should have been strong enough to have told her, but for what purpose? I already knew she accepted me for being me.
Just a few more days to be the "strong one" and the patriarch of the family, and then I can have my true breakdown... right about time for Thanksgiving! Wow, what great timing!
I feel like an orphan. I don't care if I'm not a dependent child, but I still feel so alone and orphaned. Being parentless leaves me empty.
Family is so over-rated! :(
I don't know why I'm blogging... I probably shouldn't. You don't know me and you never knew her and so why am I sharing my emptiness? I just need to write some things down to myself about my thoughts and memories, but I can't bring myself to doing it...
All I want is some pathetic pity...
Does it get better from here? Where's the "it gets better" sound bite in this one?