Saturday, September 04, 2010
A letter to Wyatt (and anyone else who has "moved on"):
Why are you still here? Why are you still caring about me? Why haven't you moved on? Why do you keep hanging around? Why can't you give it up and leave behind the angsty Beck?
We've been "together" following each other for 4-1/2 years now! Can you believe it? It's been that long - spring of 2006. It's incredible to look back at all that has happened in those years, especially for you... You've changed! You've moved on! You've chosen a different path. And you've blossomed and bloomed into a different creature.
I remember the "Elbow" of over four years ago who wrote of his love for the church, his love for the Gospel, his all-encompassing love for his wife. I remember how you expressed those loves with amazing passion and incredible intensity and unfailing firmness and absolute assurance.
You've been able to put the church, and your marriage, and the Gospel, and your past all behind you as you've branched out in a completely different direction. I know it wasn't easy, but I watched you do it with great envy and awe.
I commend you for facing your fear, and congratulate you for not avoiding your true self, for seeking your true "vibrations" (as you so fondly and uniquely use that word).
Why I'm focusing on this particular series of posts of mine on my blog right now is because it was a natural extension of the exploratory process of a form of yearly self-evaluation and part of that is how the church has affected my life, where it is the "evil church" that has gotten me into this situation of being in a MOM in the first place; it is the "evil church" that has kept me hidden from my true self, ashamed and fearful of who I am and who I am attracted to.
So, as a natural evolution of the previous posts, I decided to spell out for myself the role that the "evil church" has played in my life. That's where this recent discussion came from.
I'm not really placing blame here or not taking responsibility for my own actions. The "evil church" did not MAKE me have difficulties in my youth. Nor did it MAKE me get married. Nor did it MAKE me do any of the things I've done. But, my fundamental beliefs did. Yes, I have done them willingly, but maybe naively and ignorantly.
Whether you accept this or not, the church has and continues to influence my thoughts and feelings in profound ways (and that includes both the good and the bad - the results being "mixed") and thus, it has influenced my actions, or even lack of action...
And yes, avoiding the truth of myself, and facing myself. Maybe I'm really afraid of being me. I am afraid! Maybe it's just easier to AVOID it all.
You're right. I'm not Super Gay Mormon Boy! I'm still avoiding... I'd rather stay in my comfort zone of marriage, family, job, and yes, church, than discover the real me. I'd rather sit here and angst over the "what ifs" and linger in the past of the possibilities of what would have happened if I ran off with Thomas before either of us made the "awful mistake" of marrying women. I'd rather live in the drama, and enjoy the wonder of what it would be like to be "gay" then just being ME and letting what happens happen... I'd rather speculate what my needs are as a closeted gay man than face the reality of being one. You're right! I'm a no-good coward! I refuse to leave my closet. I'd rather live in the shadows. I'm more comfortable bemoaning the "poor me" syndrome of self-pity than self-embracing the honest truth.
But again, I have to ask you: why do you care about me anyway? Why are you still here checking up on delusional never-authentic, always-avoiding Beck? Why are you still here? If you've moved on, why are you still looking back and reaching out for me lagging behind you?
Don't get me wrong! I love you! And I love that you DO CARE enough to keep staying and reading and sharing and commenting and trying to influence me for the better, throwing me your wisdom and insights... but I can't help but wonder why?
When is it going to be obvious that I'm not worthy of your time, attention or concern? Because, I'm still here struggling to stay on the path I'm on... I can't run off to the other side of the planet and be a free spirit! At least not right here and now. I can't leave behind the commitments I've made! I'm not ready to leave my marriage, my family, my kids, my job, my religion... if that is avoiding the inevitable, then I guess I'm still avoiding the inevitable. I may be grasping at a false hope... but I still believe.
I still believe in my marriage. I still believe in my family and kids. I still believe in my life as it now is structured. I still believe in my religion. I still have hope. And yet, I now accept that I am gay. I have not embraced my gayness and that is still a source of frustration inside me that keeps me clueless, adolescent, and unrealistic. It keeps me from fully "vibrating" and holds me back from embracing the fulness of my life, but I don't angst over feeling the attractions and accepting them for what they are - amazing, wonderful feelings. Is that hope of somehow finding another way that makes this all work really all that hopeless?
And if so, why do you (any of you, not just Wyatt) care?