I've been trying to focus on my wife and make her part of my daily thought process. Of course she is, but instead of just coexisting, I'm trying to make her "in" my thoughts and do things for her, little things that help her to know that I'm thinking of her, wanting her in my life, needing her with me.
I don't want this to sound mean, but it's work. It isn't as spontaneous as I want it to be. I have to actually work at it instead of just do it. Is that bad? Shouldn't this be more natural? Why is this so hard? Not in a bad way - just not as natural as I would want it to be.
For the most part, it is good...
But, this swearing off meeting / visiting / lunching w/ fellow MOHOs is driving me nuts. (NOTE: Do you realize how hard this has been to give these up? I've really found these connections worthwhile, helpful, life-changing in my attitudes about my inhibitions and insecurities - becoming more confident in myself, in who I am, even in my body image and in doing things that I wouldn't have dreamed of doing prior to these meetings - more on that later....)
I've told her that I will not meet anyone without her knowing and without her approval. As I'm trying to develop trust, and re-earn her faith in me (that I'm really not going anywhere, nor do I desire to leave her), I've decided that I will be a "good boy" and not venture out... and this includes no meetings / talks / hang out with straight guys, too, particularly those I'm attracted to... and this even counts no body-hugging or cuddling at church. (NOTE: Do you realize how hard it is to see Will in church and not stare at him, not touch him? And then to talk to him, even briefly in passing, and try to act normal like nothing is wrong, and still not stare at him, not touch him? not even rub his arm or his back? ARRRGGGHHH... I'm not sure that he even has noticed any change in my behavior - he was always so willing to hug me (even our infamous body hugs that started this whole touch celibacy thing I'm doing) - but like a typical straight guy, he's probably totally oblivious to anything going on at all, or the tension I'm feeling for not being able to touch him - and since I'm no longer initiating the physical contact and hugs, he's not initiating them either. I was always the initiator and he was the willing receiver. Alas, he's just a stupid straight guy - totally oblivious!!!).
None... nothing... niente...
It's been nearly three weeks since I've hugged another man... (not counting the three-tap-on-the-back priesthood hugs that my high priest group leader gives me) and so far so bad. I really want a hug today! I mean, I really, really need one! I really want to feel a man in my arms, just to connect, to breathe in the other person, to feel alive.
And yet, it's been good to realize how hard it has been for her to see this, to know this has been going on, and to be deceived by it... how hard it has been for her to know that her husband is attracted to men and now realize that he always will be... and how hard that is to know that her husband has been emotionally unfaithful and has been deceptive about it... yes, it has been very hard on her, too.
It's good that I'm working at this, but how long can someone like me hold on? Is this right? Is this fair? Some have suggested that this is wrong of her to ask this of me. Some have even said that she is not attempting even to understand my "needs" by requesting this cutting off all physical contact with guys. I ask you to hold judgment, to give her some slack, and to let me try to reconfirm our relationship and her trust in me... after all, it was I who lied / held back the full truth (while still telling the truth) and yet allowing omissions to make her think other than what really was going on. It is something I am trying to correct... and that takes some time.
But for how long?