For the record, we had a great Valentine's Day. I sent her two dozen roses and a romantic card, took her to dinner at her favorite restaurant downtown and followed up with seeing the Joseph Smith movie and a Temple Square orchestra concert performing Tchaikovsky's "Romeo and Juliet" overture. It was fun, it was good to be together, it was a great memory.
However, not to disappoint my few readers that all is well in my corner of the universe, and to show that I'm as confused as ever, and that "Beck" remains forever conflicted, I also exchanged Valentine wishes with Thomas where, in part, I wrote:
This is a day for expressing our most profound feelings of the heart - and in that spirit I am thinking of you today affectionately, desiring to have you close, even at my side so that I can personally tell you how much I love you. If our story had taken a different path, and if I had been more honest in my feelings some 29 years ago, maybe both of us would have been different people today.
I feel an emptiness inside of me, in my heart. In this void, there is a lot of space for all the thoughts of "what if"... I can't live like this anymore. I can't dream about the "what ifs" between us, if I had done this or that and been more open to you in the past. I want to live for today, not for the past. But when I think of you, there is no today, there is only the past. We must create the present. I want to live life, not just wonder about the "what ifs"...
He responded, in part, early this morning:
Thank you for your Valentine. I've also been thinking a lot about you, as I think about you every day that passes. I want so much to see you happy and content... It troubles me that you are not...
I am convinced that you will realize your dreams, they aren't impossible things. I miss you so much! It's like we are living a romance novel. Why don't we write together our story in a form of a romance novel, changing the names etc.? What do you think? It would be a love story like none other. It would be a great challenge... who knows - maybe we'd even publish it and make a few bucks...
Anyway, thank you for writing. I think of you every day. I miss you and love you so much. You are always in my heart!
This is the point where you say something like: Beck, you're delusional... or Beck, you're trying to have it both ways... or Beck, why don't you wake up and smell those roses... or Beck, here's a firm slap on the head...
As some things change, other things continue to stay the same...
22 comments:
I think you should write the book. I would love to read it. I feel this emptiness inside too. I don't know that it will ever go away. "What if" you didn't have Thomas in your life. Would you be able to enjoy life like you do? Isn't it possible to love more than one person. I believe he makes everything better by making you feel better. I believe you have smelled the roses, your not delusional and no slap on the head from me, only a hug. Thanks for your post.
Count me as a guaranteed sale if you ever write that book. :)
As for the Valentine exchange, it made me cry. I've read some of your past posts on Thomas, and a lot of them are tear-inducing, but this one is especially touching.
No smack on the head here from me. I do not feel comfortable judging you. All I can say is that in terms of my life, if my fiance ever had such a relationship, I would consider him unfaithful. I know he feels the exact same way. (Guess that's a sign of a good match!) But that's the nature of our relationship, and thus what works for us may not work for you or anyone else.
I'm glad to hear you talking about living for today. At some point we must get beyond the 'what ifs' and enjoy the beauty of life.
Beck, you've a book deal.
BROR said: "Isn't it possible to love more than one person. I believe he makes everything better by making you feel better..."
I obviously do believe that we can love more than one person. I have done it all my life. Whether that is a good thing or not I guess depends. I would hope that we can love more than one person. Joseph Smith certainly loved more than one person.
Thomas does make me feel better. He is clear in his desire for me to be whole and content and at peace. He is not pushing for anything other than my wellbeing. I am grateful for that and wish to cultivate our love for each other even more, and stop longing for the what ifs and the past.
CR: You find my exchanges with Thomas "especially touching", and you don't feel comfortable judging me, yet you state to the point that such a relationship would be considered one of "unfaithfulness" if your fiance were to have a Thomas in his life.
So, would it not imply, then, that in the eyes of my wife, such a relationship with Thomas is one where I would be considered unfaithful? Again, it may be apples and oranges here, but maybe it's not. She knows about my past relationship with Thomas, and she knows that we continue to dialog but she doesn't know of its nature. Isn't that in and of itself a degree of "unfaithfulness" on my part?
PLAYA: You, Bror and CR would probably be the only ones to read the book describing the lost love of Thomas and me!
I doubt that there would me much of an audience for a story centered on a terribly closeted, introspective, overly sensitive, perfectionist Mormon boy going off to Italy and finding true love in all the wrong places, embracing that love in passionate and romantic ways, longing for those days to continue for the rest of his life, but instead, moving home to continue doing the "right thing" and marrying a wonderfully beautiful and perfect woman for him, but who always had his longing for the man he fell in love with in Italy, and then through three decades of trials, struggles and misgivings, come to find out that that love was still burning... who would want to read such a story?
And what is the ending?
Do you write love notes to your wife? Maybe you should. And I think if I were you I'd want to delete some of these Thomas posts if you ever "come out" to your wife about your blog, unless you are a glutton for her misery. There's your slap on the head, from a MOM wife's perspective.
...maybe I'm a bit harsh, and just venting some of my own relationship issues, sorry Beck. But for her sake, please be careful.
Thanks, Rebecca, I needed that!
I do not intend to hurt my wife and I know much of my blog would be hurtful. At some point, "Beck" may not exist and I can just be me. But, this is not that point. I am still conflicted. I still have love for men in my life. I still love my wife. That may seem wrong, impossible, cruel, mean, hurtful, insensitive, but it is still what it is, and this blog is still a way, imperfect as it may be, is a way whereby I can get these conflicts out of my head.
By the way, I do write love notes to my wife, and I go on "dates" with her at least weekly, and I try to show her my love in more ways than I share on this blog. This blog is not a history of ALL my thoughts and actions. Instead, it is concentrated on this one "aspect" of my thoughts and who I am. Sometimes if you just read this blog, you think that I am "Beck". Beck is only a part of who I am.
Am I entitled to a little slack to work these things out? Maybe not in a MOM wife's point of view, but for me, it's a better way to work things out than just keep things inside and hide from myself, my thoughts, my feelings, and give them no expression at all. I've been there and done that, and pretending that these things don't exist, and wishing them away, does no good at all... for me or for her... I have two decades to prove of that kind of life.
Thank you, though for caring enough to respond. I wish you would more often, for your viewpoint gives me a counterview and slaps me in the head to think what I'm really doing here - and I need that.
I think you're right in that everyone's entitled to a bit of slack to work things out, and it is definetly much better that you work things out this way than keeping them all in! I appreciate the reminder that blogs aren't a person and that there's a lot more to each of us than what we have time express in writing. I really need to be remember that when I go blog reading, I sometimes get really frustrated, but it's true that blogs are only a small glipse of who we really are, and sometimes we just need a place to vent or work out life's dilemmas. Thanks for the reminder.
P.S. I'm glad to hear you do write notes and such for your wife, sometimes I think a girl just needs to hear those sorts of things :)
...that last bit was me again. Becky/Rebecca I have 2 accounts and don't always sign into the right one.
Beck, there was a book of your story, and it was hugly popular. It's called "Brokeback Mountain"
La montagna appennini.
ANON: good try but not quite. Our relationship has never been consumated in a tent (or anywhere else for that matter), nor have we madly made out in front of my wife (though she knows of our love for each other). But, yes, there are other parallels and I can relate to the powerful emotions and heartache in that movie... to the point that I wish I never saw it.
PLAYA: Good try as well... maybe more like : "Lost Love in the Lomellina of Lombardia".
I'll write the forward :)
BRAVONE: If anyone in this community could write the forward it would be you! :)
Hey Beck,
I've been gone for a while but am still following along, just been busy a bit.
I think you should write the book too. Just do it. Why not?
I also think it's very "beck-ish" to have had a fantastic valentines with your wife and to have also sent Thomas a valentine. It's who you are Beck. You're a gay man married to a woman whom you cherish. It's just what is. Some may not understand it, but it's the life you've made for you.
You're a work in progress...we all are. I like that you enjoyed Valentines in appropriate ways with those that are important to you.
Love you, Beck!
~Damon
Thanks, Damon. I needed that. I've been kind of void of feelings since this post, not sure what to say or where to go... but your understanding my "Beck-ish-ness" helps me to understand my own acceptance of the path I'm on.
I hope you're well.
Why is it so hard to imagine that a person might have spousal and/or romantic relationships with more than one person at a time? We Mormons forget our history so easily.
:-)
MOHOH asked: "Why is it so hard to imagine that a person might have spousal and/or romantic relationships with more than one person at a time? We Mormons forget our history so easily."
In my case, I would not say "and / or" but just "AND". Our past history on this Mormon is not lost on me. At the same time, I occasionally allow myself to forget and I condemn myself for this path I'm on and I get confused along the way.
I really like your comments and those of Damon's as they point out the Beckish appropriateness of double valentine exchanges, which are in the spirit of our founding Brethren and the Lord. Our current spirit of rigidity is what is out of sync. Dare I say that?
yes...it is cheating on your wife to have any kind of relationship with someone else --- be it physical or not.
ANON: What is your definition of "relationship"? Does that include any friendship? Close friendship? Romantic friendship? In your view, is there no room for any kind of relationship beyond your spouse? What about having lunch with your buddies? Or going camping with friends? When and where can one have a "relationship" outside of the spouse?
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