Thursday, September 11, 2008

Understanding...


I am having a really hard time figuring out how to articulate how things are going. It is too simple to say that things are going "well", as that really doesn't mean much, but it's true - I'm feeling at peace with my relationship with my wife right now.


Our time away was very timely and I came to a realization of sorts that revealed to me that she is not nearly as worried about my "attractions" or my "sexual performance" issues as I am. She is much more worried about where my heart is. As basic as this seems (and it feels silly to blog about because it is so basic), this revelation has brought peace to me. As long as I want her in my life, and as long as we are emotionally connected and my heart is hers, the other issues (that seem so enormous and insurmountable at times in my mind) aren't as disastrous or deal-breaking as I may think they are.


This doesn't change the fact that my desires are as strong as they've always been - I still want and need a guyfriend, guys-who-are-my-friend-in-an-intimate-bromancing-way - and I need to keep in perspective those desires (which are real and not going away) while still giving my heart to her.


This paradoxical situation hasn't changed. But somehow, we've progressed where the angst has decreased a bit in our relationship as we've moved to a new understanding of each other's needs.

10 comments:

Abelard Enigma said...

bromancing? Is that a word? I kinda like it. It seems to aptly describe the type of relationship I yearn for.

So, when two guys are bromancing, does that mean they go on man dates? Who pays for dinner?

Kengo Biddles said...

I'm glad to hear that, Beck...and Abe, when bromancing, you always go dutch.

MoHoHawaii said...

I'm glad to read such a hopeful post, Beck.

I'm convinced that accommodation is the answer in this situation, and it looks like you guys are doing this. It's a question of finding the things that she needs that you can give her and vice versa. Not all needs will be met but many can be.

Go for it!

Philip said...

Bromancing reminds me of a friend. He was a salesman and his territory was largely small towns and rural areas. I never knew what products he sold but his customers were almost all men usually very conservative. After he came out at work, every few months a customer would invite him to dinner without really saying why. The customer would then wine and dine him keeping the conversation at a very superficial level. My friend got to where he knew what was coming. The customer would hem and haw until finally he started talking about what he had wanted to talk about all along. It usually had to do with a father or a son or a woman in the customer's life that he really cared about. Major regrets were usually involved. My friend said that it was painful to watch these men struggle with letting someone else see them so vunerable. My friend was told by most of these men that they had never told anyone before how they felt. He surmised that they thought it was OK to open up to a homosexual because after all who was he to judge their manhood.

And the dinners were incredibly romantic.

Regards,
Philip

Damon In CO said...

BECK!

So good to hear from you. I was starting to worry that perhaps we wouldn't!

I am so happy to hear about you and your wife. Your post made me think about a line in a hymn "All is well, all is well."

Yes it might be simple but it conveys so much peace and a feeling of being at rest or at calm. I am really excited about you and your wife.

I'm glad to hear everything is well!

Beck said...

ABE: Bromancing is most definitely a word. I've been trying to cultivate brotherly-romance wherever I go. :)

KENGO: Why didn't you tell me the dutch rule before? :)

MOHOH: Thanks for the push and the confidence to keep going. It means a lot.

Beck said...

PHILIP: Your bring up the sensitivity factor in our bromancing relationships... which is true. My innate gay desires to be sensitive, to be a confidant, to listen (with no ulterior motives :)) have contributed to fantastic bromances.

Beck said...

DAMON: I didn't say "all is well" but that things are going "well". But thanks for the kind words. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm not going anywhere.

It is interesting to note, however, that the drama that triggers good blogging is hard to create when things are going "well". I guess we're always looking for the train wreck verses smooth and clear tracks in both directions.

Silver said...

You know, sometime I'm worried about where my heart is. It has been very easy for me to fall into a "bromance" (great word BTW). I think I craved male acceptance so much for so many years that I can fall for a guy really fast and to the dismay of my wife and to my own surprise at times. I've been married to this woman for 20 years and sometimes I am so easily distracted that it concerns me. She can't help but notice my excitment for these new relationships sometimes.


Beck: you need to conjure up some drama, your blog has been sort of calm this week...but I'm glad you are "well".

BTW, if guys go dutch I think you owe me..:)

Beck said...

"...you need to conjure up some drama, your blog has been sort of calm this week...but I'm glad you are "well"..."

Oh, there is always drama! Believe me, there is ALWAYS drama... Maybe if I figure out the appropriate way to articulate it, I'll share more drama, but for now I'm receiving a "stupor of thought". (D&C 9: 9). Does that mean I shouldn't?