Saturday, May 24, 2008

Six weeks and counting...

I've hit the 6-week mark of going cold turkey... nothing / niente / nada! Nothing inappropriate of any kind, not even close, not even looking at department store ads of guys in the Deseret News... If I can go six weeks then I can go six months, right?


And this is worth it to keep what's truly important together and in the forefront, no? My family is more important that anything else. I know that and I need to constantly remember that. I should feel strong and like the conqueror... I can leave these things behind. I can be better than this. If I've gone six weeks without it, I don't need this "distraction" in my life anymore, right?


So, how come I feel so weak?


Why do I feel like I'm fighting against the inevitable? Is the fight worth it? I feel I have the inner strength to resist and keep going. I keep looking at my son and I feel an obligation that is stronger than the temptation to keep going - to stay clean - even from slightly questionable material. Am I crazy to try?
How come I feel like I'm sticking my head in the sand?

7 comments:

Silver said...

Beck,

Regardless of our varied histories, our religious backgrounds and convictions; or how our compulsions; detachments, deficits or imature masculinities may manifest themselves; I believe in my core that the vast majority of men I encounter in life are inherently great men in their hearts. I believe that most men aspire to be good, to be better, to overcome, to do good, to bless the lives of all they come in contact with and ultimately to be devoted and mature husbands, fathers and lovers. I see in the men I meet in the various groups I attend those nuggets of gold and the aspiration to be the very best we can be and to overcome our present struggles.

I love what brotherhood and fellowship has done for me! There are so many great examples and such honesty that I am overwhelmed by my new found connection and congruity with manhood. I've never experienced anything like it.

I have a wife and children. The kids are all still in school and there are a lot of demands placed on me right now just to maintain our livelihood and provide for the needs of the family. I want to be so much more immersed in support groups and friends than I am but, my circumstances require that I pace myself. What I am finding though is that I love being a MAN. I love being a husband and father. I love being the King of my domain and providing security, nurturing and fertility for my family. I love being the Warrior that defends my family against evil and goes to work each day to slay and drag back the beast that will keep us alive. At the end of the week I love being the Lover that nurtures and loves four very important souls that I call my family. I love being that strength that they rely upon to bring stability to the home. Now, I often fail, I don't succeed every day but, ultimately on the whole I'm getting it done, with the help of a God who loves me and who gives me everything I have.

Giving in to the big "M" and "P"; and to use them complulsively to cover feelings of sadness, anger, resentment, shame, sadness and anxiety causes nothing but trouble with me and my world. It's so powerful to share common experience and feelings with other men. "M" and "P" cover those feelings but, sobriety and overcoming them lead to feelings of confidence, power and masculine power to really deal with and rise above those feelings.

In my experience: Sobriety and freedom from compulsive behavior gives me new energy, vitality and confidence to face my demons and make real progress. Rather than envying another man, lusting after him, wanting to take what he has, be what he is, be him; sobriety helps me really work the issues in authenticity, and to truly become what I can be. Rather than just simply wanting to be; I can do and become.

I want to thank you and others who share their hearts, their pain, their humanity with all of us. I walk with you MEN. I am an addict, I am attracted to my own sex, I struggle with my confidence, I am a homosexual, I yearn for approval and to be loved by other men, I need to be a better husband and father, I struggle to stay sexually sober but, I am a MAN, I love myself, I have new confidence and courage, I love my associations with other MEN, I have overcome much, I have new strength and conviction of the blessings of sobriety. I feel more powerful, in control, masculine and mature when I don't give in to my drugs of choice and run from my problems.

I've got a long way to climb yet to get to the top. I still fall and skin my knees. I'm not yet the Warrior and King that I want to be but, this is an awesome journey and I'm still amazed to be here and in awe at the change after only three years of facing my world with honesty.

I believe in a God who forgives. I believe in change. I believe in renewal of body and spirit. I've begun to give up shame, anger, guilt and fear. I hope to just accept what is and make it better. It isn't a perfect walk. Sometimes it isn't very pretty but, the road I'm on is sure a lot better than where I've been.

Forgive my passion. I tend to go on and on. Beck I feel your pain and your sincerity. You're being honest with yourself and your spouse; that's all good and it brings blessings. Stay the course. It's not an easy path but, you're handling it the right way.

playasinmar said...

Feeling weak? Maybe you're not breaking an addiction. Maybe you're breaking you.

santorio said...

but you're still blogging....

Beck said...

SILVER: You are passionate about this, aren't you! I can feel your emotions and can relate to them. You really need to share your passions and points-of-view for everyone. Your voice needs to be heard.

PLAYA: I love your clever wit and drollness. I don't feel broken... I do feel strength in determining to keep going on to prove to myself that I can. But the inevitable will come when, not if, I fall. But not trying at all and just giving in seems to be more the definition of "broken".

SANTORIO: Yes, I'm still blogging. This is one "vice" that I continue to do in secret. I was going to give it up, too, but felt a need for some kind of life line of support amidst all else that is going on around me. Yes, I still blog. And the mission of my blog is still the same - to help me to find my way through all this - and piggybacking along the way with the help of others like you.

Damon said...

Beck,

I think you're making excellent choices. I think your desire to avoid temptation is noble. Of course your family is worth it. Of course your son is worth it.

I hope you don't see your blogging as a vice!

I will tell you Beck. The biggest problem I see within the cultural structure of the church is that those experiencing SSA/SGA cannot be open about their struggle.

If you can't be open, then you have to hide it...make it secret. By making is secret, it feels like something to be ashamed of, something that makes you less of a person.

I believe that to deal with SSA/SGA with relative success and happiness one has to come to an understanding that this does NOT make you less of a person, or a man. That this does NOT diminish your individual worth and that it is NOT something to be ashamed of.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I think your blogging and many of the gay mormon men who do blog, do so in part to achieve this sense of connection, of belonging and I think also to diminish that sense of shame and secrecy.

Although this may not be the case with all our bloggers I think your blogging is beneficial. It is for you, it is for many who read you.

Beck, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Beck said...

DAMON said: "Correct me if I am wrong, but I think your blogging and many of the gay mormon men who do blog, do so in part to achieve this sense of connection, of belonging and I think also to diminish that sense of shame and secrecy."

Yes, I blog fundamentally to have some kind of way to discuss things that I cannot discuss in any other way. I also blog to connect and feel a sense of "normalcy" and "belonging" that I don't have in any other way. I've never blogged to be an "example" or to say "Look at me - I've got it all figured out". Just the opposite - I don't have it figured out - so I blog as a way of coming to a conclusion of what to do next as I strive to find my way.

And yes, blogging does help me to "diminish the shame and secrecy". I wish it didn't have to be this way, and for many it is not, but for me, it is the way it is.

"I think your blogging is beneficial. It is for you, it is for many who read you..." I really don't know how beneficial it is for others. Some have given up on me. Others have come and gone. I'm still here. I am still feeling a benefit in blogging for it brings me a sense of clarity even when I don't seem very clear, it brings me hope when I feel hopeless. If that benefits the reader, and the anonymous reader that I'm not even aware of, then so be it.

Stephen said...

I don't know.

I know a lot of alcoholics who live one day at a time.