Just a little side comment is frustrating me to death...
We have dear close friends whose son is openly gay. Living in Utah, (or anywhere for that matter, I presume) as an active LDS family, this situation causes screened and careful conversation. We received their annual Christmas letter update and noted that their son had moved out of state for professional reasons of career advancements.
I stated it matter-of-factly to my wife and she said: "It's definitely for the best that he leaves Utah. It's better for all involved."
I stated it matter-of-factly to my wife and she said: "It's definitely for the best that he leaves Utah. It's better for all involved."
I looked at her and was stunned and even hurt. I know she meant well in stating that he would be happier in his life in another state and yet there was an implied "relief" on behalf of her feelings about what she perceived to be the feelings of our friends - even though they have never indicated in any way this uncomfortableness. In fact, they have demonstrated an amazing amout of pride and love for their son.
(NOTE: I know that now is the time to crack open the November Ensign and read the conference talk of Elder Bednar's on taking offense and that only one can choose to be offended, but...)
Her comment was not meant to be mean-spirited. After all these years together, I know her intentions were not to be discriminatory or hurtful, but they came off very sharp and to the point, implying (in her mind) that one who has a gay son in Utah is better off having that gay son move out of state to be "rid of the problem".
This has caused me to think about if I had been more open - would my parents, would my family, would my wife-to-be had wanted me to "get out of Utah" to be "rid of the problem" or the "embarrassment"?
I don't know why such an innocent comment of matter-of-fact delivery is causing me so much grief. I guess it's triggered the idea that after all that we have gone through, all the pain and anguish of working through these tough issues, she really doesn't understand me or my issues, and is content with our situation as long as I manage to be "under control" and "hidden". I have been in control for some time now, but it's always there and it's not going away and sometimes it's just barely under the surface... I just go Christmas shopping at the Mall this weekend and see displays of young guys in sexy jeans or watch the parade of men and I realize just how barely hidden it is...
And she has no concept of how hard I'm trying... or how hurtful simple nonchalant statements can be. It's made me at least contemplate that she doesn't have a clue what is going on inside me. I know comments may come back at me that - then, it's my fault for not giving her a clue - but it's not that easy and opening it up again is so painful... it's better to hide.
Or,
Maybe I should be the one to get out of Utah?
8 comments:
Hell, get out of Utah anyway. Who needs Mo'Culture anyway? I'm MORE than sick of it, and as soon as I graduate we're getting somewhere where we're less worried about WHAT people wear to church than whether or not they're AT CHURCH.
KB:
That really wasn't the point (I was more frustrated with how to deal with my wife's attitude) but since you're going to the MO'Culture scene...
I had to go into a Deseret Book and the Distribution Center this weekend - for items only found in those locations... and the priestcraft books and religious "inspired" items for sale for Christmas made me want to puke! (No offense to AtP if he's reading this).
The gig of finishing school and moving on is cool - but when you've got roots down as deep as mine and investments into home and teenage kids, it ain't that easy to pull up and go...
unless I went alone, right?
oh I read that.
no offense taken, i love my job. sometimes that gets to me.
I'll forgive you this time.
Hey, I love Mo’culture! The family, the potatoes… (not so much the Jell-O)
Beck, may she have been thinking it most significantly best for the kid? Not that he was “a problem” but that the culture was? I could see how someone not gay and not directly involved in an out gay man’s life in Utah may think it best to just separate us out without seeing us as chaff ;-), but it’s really not the problem most assume.
In fact, in our neighborhood and the kid’s school, everywhere really in our sphere of influence, we get along without significant problem. It’s only strangers and politicians who give us grief :-). So, for what it’s worth, this stranger doesn’t think you should go anywhere.
AtP: So good to see you're out there reading even side comments...
I love your work-related stories from the inspirational book store. I'm sure you could write an inspirational book (of sorts) by sharing inspirational experiences you've had with customers of the inspirational book store. Don't you think they'd publish it? I'd buy it!
Scot: I'm not going anywhere! Utah needs me and my refreshing outlook on life to help others see what conflicted gay souls can offer.:-)
I appreciate your input - I can see how in her straight womanly outlook, my wife is hoping the best for him and his happiness, instead of saying "good riddance". Thanks for the clearer perspective. It helps me to realize more meanings - and not necessarily negative ones.
By the way, for what it's worth... from one Utahn out here, I don't see you as "chaff"!
As I've learned already in our short time in Seattle, if you leave Utah hoping to find enlightenment elsewhere, you might be disappointed. Closed-minded people are everywhere these days. Utah just has its own particular flavor of intolerance, but they certainly don't own the market. For example, PBS cancelled an excellent kids show after people learned that an episode featuring a family with two moms was going to be aired. In fact, the board of directors even went so far as to write language demanding "cultural diversity" out of the guidelines for PBS children's programing. The producers have been unable to find any corporate sponsors for the new season of the show, which I think is really sad.
Anyways, I know that there are probably places that in general are more tolerant than Utah, but I think that like Scot said, most experiences are personal. You might find a friendlier, more tolerant ward in Utah than in Seattle (we have so far).And no matter where you are, cultivate tolerance and love within your own circle.
Foxyj:
Thanks for your comments. I'm honored that you're even out there reading what I have to say. I'm flattered.
I agree that tolerance and love are what we should all seek in others. Though I have problems with some of the cultural abnormalities of Utah, this is home and I love it for the most part.
But since you are here and reading - I guess my real question is: how do I deal with perceived misunderstandings about gays coming from my wife? Any insights would be helpful.
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