Monday, April 17, 2006

MOSTLY DEAD

I sat in a priesthood meeting yesterday, not relating to anyone in the room (as usual), and tried to read my scriptures in the corner of the classroom (as usual), contemplating the miracles and realities of the Easter season and the essential principles of Christianity - the hope of an afterlife with the reality of the atonement and resurrection.

In the course of the discussion on the reality of the resurrection, there was a question raised in jest about the states of being either "dead" or "alive", and did anyone know of any other alternative... One brother raised his hand and said... "well, I know that Miracle Max referred to the state of being "mostly dead" (referring of course to the movie "The Princess Bride").

Everyone laughed, but I sat there thinking that this is what I'm feeling... "mostly dead". I don't feel alive in either world I'm living in. I should count my blessings and realize the bounty and good things surrounding me (and I do), but when one is homosexual in his mind, and heterosexual in outer expressions, he ends up being alive in NEITHER world and mainly "mostly dead".

I want to be ALIVE! I want to embrace my wife and kids and totally engage them on every plane of exisitence possible... and give up the hidden mind game of thoughts that only I know exist regarding my gaydom. At the same time, I want to be ALIVE and engage those thoughts to feel whole and complete and "true" and honest with myself in ways I don't really even begin to comprehend of a homosexual life.

But, because I don't do either, and I fail to ACT in wholeness on either part, I fail to live... and so the term "mostly dead" has more meaning than maybe it should, definitely more than just a joke in a quorum meeting.

I know deep down that I don't engage my gay thoughts because of my core beliefs. They help me or make me be anchored in the heterosexual world. When I think of those beliefs, I want to stay in that world.

Christ wants us to be ALIVE! The life we've been given is there for us to enjoy. Joy, in the scriptural sense, has more meaning than happiness. The "Plan of Happiness" really should be called the "Plan of Joy".

But, how does one, such as I, begin to embrace life when I'm stuck on the fence being "mostly dead"?

more to come on "fence sitting"....

4 comments:

Foxx said...

I don't know how you can embrace life when you feel mostly dead. I do, however agree with you about joy being more -- much more -- than happiness, and that Christ wants us to feel alive! Truth is exciting and invigorating!

Welcome to the club of self-discovery, semi-anonymous discussion, and a family of people with diverse opinions and experiences.

Dave Walter said...

Beck,

I knew a guy who was in his 60s when we was in your position. He was an Episcopalian, which made it easier for him to come out than had he been a Mormon, but it was still pretty difficult.

As it turned out, his wife was semi-OK with it; they continued to live together. HIs adult chldren was also OK, after the initial adjustment period.

He was so thrilled to finally let the gay in him out, and to enjoy the company of other gay men, it made his life more complete -- more alive!

I'm tempted to suggest that the only way for you to get off the fence is to just hop off the thing. But I'll wait to see what you say in the next post.

Chris said...

Beck, I came alive last September when I came out to my wife. Since then, I've realized just how much living there is ahead of me--and I'm excited that the journey has begun.

Beck said...

I want to feel alive... I've tasted it, but not savored it. The purpose of this life is to feel ALIVE!

Dave, the hope of someone 60 discovering that it is "never too late" is inspiring. I've felt like it is too late and that I shouldn't even try to pursue the conflict anymore. It would be great if I could package it away and forget about it... The thing is, I can't. It keeps coming back.

Hurricane, your story is scary and inspirational. I look forward to knowing how it continues as you discover life!