As I read this week about Alan/Rob (Scrum) coming out on his blog with his real name, I feel so happy for him. And when I read comments from others on that post that wish other bloggers would be willing to throw open the curtain, too, and not hide so anonymously, I can't help but feel extreme guilt for continuing to hide. I guess in a certain way, I am coming out and letting my voice be heard by opening up my blog to everyone again, and showing all who choose to come, a person who wants to be heard, but who still is not ready to do so without a pseudonym.
Why is that? Why do I want to be seen and heard and be willing to share my story, and yet continue to live in the shadows. Why am I such a coward? Why don't I have the inner strength and confidence in myself and who I am, like so many other bloggers? Why do I allow my fears and doubts to control my actions?
Well, maybe it's because...
1. I'm protecting my family and kids? Protecting them from what? the truth?
2. I'm not willing to admit this is really who I am? Yeah, I say I am, but I'm really not.
3. I'm really still a product of my culture and deep down I'm just as homophobic as the next guy?
I pretend to believe that I'm "progressing". Maybe in some ways it's true. Priorities and focusing attention on my marriage have been "progressive" on the relationship front. But, in other ways, I am not progressing much at all. I'm still the scared little boy hiding in the corner pretending that no one knows my true story.
So much for giving "voice" to who I am...
Happy "unveiling" to those of you who are an inspiration to me. You blaze the trail and give strength and encouragement to those of us who follow you from behind in the shadows. Though we aren't "out there" just yet ( and I wonder if I ever will be), we're still here just the same. I know that doesn't mean much, but it's where I am right now.
12 comments:
I've gone both with and without the reveal of my true name, and frankly, I lean toward not - the world is too homophobic, and with the Ultra-Conservative bent that we're seeing in Utah, I don't want to be identified for fear of some pogrom - and the repercussions it would have on my wife and children - picture "Life is Beautiful"...
We're all in different circumstances and have to make the best judgment about this issue that we can for ourselves and our families. There were several reasons I thought the time was right for me. Others' mileage will vary, and that's okay.
Family, Man. Family. There is such a push to "reveil all, show the world, be true to yourself" that many of us foret that we are married to a woman who looks to us for protection, and children that depend on us to keep them safe. Unless we are ready to move to montana in the middle of a vally with no people and more cows, I think some of us are wise to keep our dick out of the news and the blog. Is my sexual preference so important that it comes firts over consideration of what may be detramental to my kids? I think not.
I'm just happy to see your blog! LOL
You may be a coward, but deciding to remain anonymous has as many reasons as coming out does, and there are valid reasons.
I come 'out' as I need to be in order to be helpful to others without hurting those whom I love most.
I don't think you should feel guilty about this. I don't think it is very wise or safe for many of us to openly share personal details to potentially the whole world. It's for that reason that I still write under a pseudonym, not that I have some "internal homophobia."
I, too, have a desire to share my story to people (which usually is accompanied with very incriminating and personal details). I find it therapeutic as long as I don't go overboard. My blog has allowed me to do that while still being cautious about my identity to people I don't know and for the sake of the people that I may talk about in my blog.
On the other hand, talking to people face to face about my life has also been a very important step and need for me as of late. I compensate the anonymity by being extremely open to my spouse, family members, and people that have become important in my life where I feel prompted to share. In this way, I feel that I am able to meet both needs while protecting myself. I don't think that is weak or wrong.
Take care and I look forward to getting to know you!
KENGO: Hopefully it doesn't come to a "Life is Beautiful" scenario, but I know what you mean and it does give one pause.
ROB: Thanks for your courage! Thanks for your example! And, thanks for seeing our situtations for what they are. Sometimes I am feeling guilty and envious and fail to realize there is a time and season for all things - and that is indeed okay. I know this, but it is still nice to read your words just the same.
JEFF: Family is the main reason, and I realize this, but I can't help but sometimes question my motives for anonymity.
ROBERT: Thanks for checking in... I'm still around and appreciate you being out there.
OM: I realize there are very valid reasons for what someone in my position does. I know this - I'm just questioning my motives and reminding myself to keep things in perspective. It gets tiresome playing the anonymous game.
Maybe I'm a bit jealous or envious of those who don't have to hide anymore. I don't want for a minute to change my "reasons" as I count them as blessings - just a bit of self-reflection / self-pity. I also don't want to use my "reasons" as a screen for what may be considered homophobia or cultural pressures.
BRAVONE: I've watched you do this with awe. You do practice what you preach, and I hope to follow your example as it is appropriate.
FORTHISCAUSE: I look forward to getting to know you as well. I need to understand your choices and why you do what you do with your situation.
I do desire to share my story, even if anonymously, and it is therapeutic indeed. Ultimately, that is the reason for my blogging - a form of therapy to vent, feel, express, inform myself of what it means to be in my situation, in ways that I can't vent, feel, express, inform in my real world. If others benefit or learn from my mistakes and missteps, great. I'm just checking myself and just feeling a bit envious of those who live more in the open than do I.
I think you do a fine job of keeping things in perspective, and in doing so, you help others also see things more realistically.
NED: I help others to see things more realistically? I thought I was the one that was living in some kind of naive fantasy world... fooling myself into believing that there was a way to make my life actually make sense! :)
Beck, I have not read your blog for months! I haven't felt like reading any blogs, but I started reading a few today and memories of how I always looked forward to reading yours came back to me. It is actually kind of pulling me out of my own drama, which is a really good thing for me. :)
Anyway, just wanted to pipe in that if you are not sure about revealing yourself, then don't. I wish I never had, and I don't think I would have ever done so if Scott hadn't. If my blog were still anonymous, then I would still be enjoying the blessings of the temple, and it is even possible that Scott might be as well (if he had also stayed somewhat anonymous). The infamous temple recommend interview that the bishop prepared for by reading our blogs was the moment everything started to really slide the wrong direction in my personal life.
So enjoy being anonymous. We all love you regardless.
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