As a follow-up to the previous post, though obvious to some, there are also the recent revelations that...
1. Just because intimacy and openness in a marriage has brought us closer than we've been in years, I still am hopelessly attracted to men.
2. A cute guy standing in front of me in line to enter the Conference Center over the weekend at the Christmas Concert still makes my heart beat faster as I admire his beauty, strength, magnetic manliness.
3. Seeing a fellow MOHO at the Conference Center and embracing him with gusto still warms that beating heart like none other.
4. Desiring a relationship with another man has not diminished as much as I thought it would with the recent developments in my marriage.
5. The angst level, however, has diminished (at least a little bit)...
I guess these still reveal in me that assurance that though I'm closer to who I should be as a married man, and though I have made great progress in that regard, I am still as gay and as attracted to men as ever.
And you know what?
That's a good thing... I don't think I'd want it any other way.
4 comments:
Predicting the future or even what's possible is always risky. We just don't know.
But that never stopped me. :-)
Here are some predictions:
1) You can continue to get closer to your wife. This is very feasible, especially if 1) you continue to push past the comfort zones and 2) eliminate feelings of shame.
2) You will always be susceptible to the charms of handsome (younger) men. Possibility of change: nil. Silver lining: this aspect of your homosexuality doesn't really affect much. It's as benign as a straight guy of your same age getting weak in the knees when he talks to a beautiful and gracious younger woman. Everyone feels something like this, but it usually causes no trouble.
3) Embracing your MoHo friend is really about #4 below. I might be wrong, but I'm going to guess that all of your friendships are romantic friendships at some level.
4) Wanting to be another man's beloved... now this is the wild card. I don't have a read on it. I'm going to guess that this desire might even increase over time as your internalized homophobia diminishes and you gain in self-confidence.
5) Angst. I think it will get better (i.e., reduce) as you improve communication and closeness with your wife, and it will get worse as you really get a grip on how much you want a relationship with a man. You will be pulled in two directions, but this is a very different kind of angst than you've had in the past. It's a more mature kind of internal tension, one built more on self-knowledge and the conflict of legitimate goals and less informed by fear or shame.
Overall, I see genuine progress. You are no longer stuck. You are now on a journey. No matter where this journey takes you, it will be good. Keep up the good work!
Anyway, I'll put the tarot cards back on the shelf now. :- )
MOHOH: That was a great comment. It is very helpful to help me to see myself objectively (from a distance) and take a better assessment of where things are. I need to read your thoughts on "predictions" over a few more times.
As for my take:
1) I do think a closer relationship is possible as we are more honest and open to each other, and yes, eliminating feelings of shame. I feel some of this already.
2) I will ALWAYS be susceptible to handsome young men. They do make me weak-kneed and ALWAYS will - and the great thing is... I love that they do!
3) Not all of my MOHO friendships have a romantic component, but certain ones most certainly do, and my embraces with these particular MOHO friends embrace those romantic feelings more openly, and I long to find avenues to express my feelings and affection and attraction and romance more fully and appropriately.
4) This is the danger. I feel as I come to be more accepting of my hybernating feelings for certain MOHO friends, I am desiring to explore these feelings more completely.
5) So far, in this new path, I am feeling less angst and more confidence in myself and my marriage, but there remains a conflict that will always be there in one form or another. If it is really more genuine and authentic remains to be seen. In some ways, it just feels the same. I still want a guy. I still want to be open with a guy. But, in wonderful new ways, I want to explore where my relationship with my wife will go - so I owe it to her and myself to explore its potential.
Thanks for your assessment and confidence in me, my friend.
You wrote: 4. Desiring a relationship with another man has not diminished as much as I thought it would with the recent developments in my marriage.
MoHoHawaii wrote: 4) Wanting to be another man's beloved... now this is the wild card. I don't have a read on it. I'm going to guess that this desire might even increase over time as your internalized homophobia diminishes and you gain in self-confidence.
My Take: Almost all human beings desire to love and be loved. Could it be that as you love your wife more deeply and she more completely embraces and returns that love, you are not only building your own relationship, but increasing your capacity to love others: your children, your extended family, your friends and neighbors?
If it has to be an either/or choice, I personally would rather love than be loved; but in an ideal world reciprocated love beats unrequited love. If however, it can only be one or the other, what is your choice? Is your desire to love greater than your desire to be loved?
NED: Interesting questions. Unrequited love is hard. Being loved in return is certainly preferable. But loving for the sake of being loved in return isn't love, is it? I mean, we love because we feel that love for others, not for what we get in exchange for risking ourselves by investing in others.
I would much rather risk the investment and not ask for the return.
That said, it still is interesting to note that as I love and engage in love with my wife, I still desire to love and be loved by a man. That wrinkle on the subject is still intriguing to me. I thought it would have diminished and it hasn't.
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