It's complicated...

Have you ever found yourself with a day free from commitments, free from ties to families and friends, free to do whatever you want to do?

If you knew that no one that really knew you was watching, that you were completely anonymous, and you had that freedom to do what you really wished you could do, or be what and who you really are, what would you do or be?

For example:

Let's say you find yourself with family, work and other commitments for several days in the greater San Diego area a couple of weeks ago. And, let's say that on one particular day, you find yourself alone, available to do what you want...

And let's say you love the ocean, and you feel your soul drawn to the sound and rhythm of the waves and the endless vistas from sea cliffs...

And let's say you researched on the Internet for great beaches in the area with towering sea cliffs with endless vistas and you stumble across a certain beach that happens to have an association with the word "gay"...

You click on that link out of curiosity and discover that this particular stretch of beach is close by your hotel, just a few minutes drive, and you see the directions to a very particular parking lot that leads to a particularly isolated path down a particularly secluded beach... a beach that is known for its particular beauty and privacy, frequented mostly by nudists of a particularly gay persuasion... You read how this beach has patrols that tolerate the nudity present as long as it is respectful of others, admitting that technically nudity is illegal...

You are intrigued, to the point that you Google Map the directions to this particular trail head and find it is merely 3.2 miles away. You think about going. You want to go. But there is a debate going on in your head. You wonder why this is so tempting. Is it because:

a) you see the sun and beautiful day and want to feel alive and part of it?

b) you know the way and it is conveniently close and exactly the type of landscape that speaks to your soul?

c) you are naturally curious about what other gay guys do and you want to somehow be connected and feel a sense of inclusion to their club?

d) you have tasted the sense of connection with nature, with sunlight and wind and waves, with body and spirit that comes with nudity in nature and you want to taste and know that sensation again?

e) you hunger for and desire more than anything to be accepted, to be included, to feel a part of something that is inherently part of you, hidden deeply down in your soul, and you desire to feel just for a moment an acceptance for who you are completely - nothing hidden?

f) you desire to identify with a brotherhood that says: "I get you - it's okay."?

You wonder if you should... the day is wasting... and so, against your better judgment, in the spirit of irrational thought, you go... you find the parking lot... you embrace the incredible view... you breathe in the clean salty air as it blows through your hair... you notice the trail head... you see a guy heading down... you follow... it's steep and dangerous with switchbacks down the cliff face... but then you've made it... you're there... you can't believe it! You notice the private but long stretch of white sand before you. It is low tide. The ocean is relatively calm. There is a peace about this place. There is a hush. All is still and quiet. The wind is overhead up on the sea cliff, not down on the sand. There's a sense of reverence. You notice the "clothing optional" nature of fellow citizens, well bronzed and nicely proportioned - obviously they aren't first timers like yourself. One calmly notices you and quietly whispers "hello" and smiles and you nervously nod and acknowledge the greeting with a nervous smile back. You walk for a ways along the beach and note that there are several gay couples lounging together, and you smile and feel warm and grateful that they are able to be themselves in the open in this special place...

You find your place, your peace of sand... not too close, but still somehow a part of the whole experience... you settle in, you look around and you decide to do it. Your clothes are now beside you as you take in the whole experience of sun and ocean and sand, of community and connection and acceptance, of participation and belonging.

Joggers jog by and don't seem to care that you are there. You are as natural as the seaweed spread upon the sand around you. A patrol jeep drives by and doesn't blink in your direction. You feel even more a "part" of this space and experience. You have been accepted...

And then, a fog bank begins to roll in and embrace the cliffs behind you. It envelopes you and "clothes" you with nature's blanket. You find yourself a part of a misty dream world and you ask yourself: "Is this really happening? Is this real? Am I really here on a beach, completely naked, surrounded by gay couples?"

Soon the fog builds and the sun disappears. You pack up and ascend the cliff. At the top you reach sunlight again, the beach below you is covered in a low cloud bank. You sigh that it couldn't last longer... You realize that a different reality, a different connection, a responsibility to family and commitments and another life calls you back... You don't want to go... You feel a longing for what is down below you on that beach...

You sigh...

But, it is not a sigh of sorrow or regret. No, instead, it is a sigh of gratitude, a prayer of thankfulness, associated with an overwhelming peace and tranquility that something significant just happened. A connection was made... a connection with a part of you that lies deep inside you... You feel safe and secure, protected and reassured of who you are... You aren't angsty or upset at the tugs that pull you in different directions.

Instead, you feel blessed for having one special moment on one special beach at that one special time... and you smile as you settle back into your car... grateful to be who you are...

Have you ever felt that way or experienced such a thing?

I did. And it was wonderful!

***

So what do you think? Was I stupid? Was it dangerous? Was I naive enough to believe that there was no danger?

And why did I do it? And why can I not stop thinking about it? Why is there still a longing within my heart, a yearning for connection, understanding and acceptance? Why, when right now I feel more connection, more understanding and more acceptance from the person that means the most to me - my wife!

Life is not black and white.

Life is complicated. And remains so...