Feeling Marginalized...

Life is a journey of connected choices. Mine has been a life "marginalized" by the choices I've made. I am forever making choices to be on the edge, on the outside looking in, never completely immersed in the middle, jumping into the fray just because it felt right, or authentic. Instead, it's always calculated, measured, weighing the consequences. That's the way we are supposed to make choices, right? The other day I watched with intense interest the FarBetween video of Mikeal and Mandi and their openness and honesty regarding the "choices" they've made in their marriage and their commitment to "make it work". I personally know Mikeal and feel an amazing love for him and for Mandi, as I know similar pain, sorrow, joy and friendship with my wife and our relationship together. It was Mandi's expressions of her pain in not being fully needed or wanted by her husband, particularly speaking of intimacy, that it hit home to me how much I have caused my wife to feel similar painful emotions of being trivialized, and marginalized in our marriage. And it pains me to know that no matter how hard I try, no matter how spontaneous and "dancing in the kitchen" I can be with her, seeking her out, telling her how beautiful she is, sweeping her in my arms and giving her a fat kiss by surprise, it still rings empty to her. She knows my natural affections and affinity remain elsewhere and she is playing the role of the supportive straight wife of a gay husband - and we both are marginalized. It was Mikeal's description of intimacy as "work" and "needing to be in another place to make it work" that rang true with my reality. His needs were being marginalized as well as he tries to "make it work". How many times have I used that phrase of doing my best to "make it work", regarding intimacy with my wife? How about every time? Yet, their choice to stay together is one where they have concluded that the reasons to stay and "make it work" outweigh those that don't. Thus, they stay together, just as my wife and I stay together. This is our choice, this is our journey, this is our path -marginalized as it may be. ***

I really wanted to attend the Circle the Wagons Conference. I am personal friends with Steve and John and email friends with Joseph, three of the four panelists, and found myself drawn to the discussion of this panel and the personal stories shared. But, you see, I couldn't go. I had other commitments, commitments to family and church that keep me from going and doing what I'd like to do. I am not open and out and free to express as they are and do. I am not the captain of my ship. I am pulled in different ways by many who control who I am as I allow myself to be marginalized. I couldn't go because I was afraid to stand up for what I wanted to do and just do it. I couldn't go because I feared being outed by my attendance at a public function dealing with gay mormons in this community of brothers and sisters. I couldn't go because I was intimidated by the reaction of some in this community that the choices I've made - marginalizted or not - would be viewed by the community at large as hurtful, threatening, and invalid. I have never intended my life, or my choice of staying in a MOM relationship as being an example to anyone that "this is what you should do - I'm doing it and making it work, and so, so should you!" But in witnessing such hurtful, even hateful comments toward the likes of Steve, made me all the more feel marginalized again, even in this community of fellow blogging brothers, a community with which associations have developed over the course of over seven years to help me to move from the hell-hole that was my reality to some sense of acceptance of my homosexuality. ***

My choices regarding my beliefs are constantly placing me in a marginalized position. Refusing to allow myself to have close relationships with other brothers, even within the realm of the church (where I once thrived with such relationships), has put me constantly on guard. And checking myself constantly has placed my emotions on the fringe. I find myself less engaging in others lives. I find myself less connected with those around me who I should be caring for even more. I find myself becoming more robotic, less spontaneous, more calculated with every move - and thus, disconnected from humanity, even spirituality. My beliefs become categorized and I find myself cringing at things being said or preached, cringing that reminds me I'm different - I'm not jumping in the fray - I'm on the side, in the margins, on the edge, I'm not like these other brothers and sisters around me... ***

This blog has become marginalized. I've witnessed this blogging community "pass me by" as I have allowed myself, through my own fear-based choices, to be pushed to the side, to see others progress on their respective paths. My staying put has in essense helped the marginalization of this blog. I don't know much more that I can say or offer here. I'm not changing. I probably never will. I will allow my life to play out the safe way, the compromised way, the easy way. I'll keep being the good boy, doing what I'm "supposed to do" because I "should" be this way. Believe me, there is nothing in this blog that says that "you should try it - this is the way, come follow me!". I don't have much more to say or offer that doesn't sound contrived. I'm neither the shining example of the married Mormon gay man who is proud of who he is and his beliefs and isn't afraid of who may know or not know, not caring of the beliefs or comments coming at him from all sides, because he KNOWS who he is! Nor, am I the shining example of the guy who was brave enough to get the divorce and freeing up his wife and kids to live their honest and more authentic life without him as the hiding shell of a man that he was, being able to be authentic with himself in return and be free from the shackles of a belief structure that has imprisoned his every choice for decade upon decade, now able to live his life as it was "intended" and "should" be lived! No, I'm neither of those courageous men, men of strength, men of valor, men of honor. I'll continue to be as marginalized as this blog has become... ***

So why do I live this way? Why do I remain the good soldier keeping up the fight when I feel marginalized in my marriage and in turn marginalizing my wife's self-worth, esteem and value as a woman? Why do I hide from the community and keep myself from being seen in the true light, even within the safety of this very community, and such events of "coming together" as the recent CtW conference? Why do I remain the functioning, seemingly strong priesthood leader in the church with the facade of the perfect marriage and family, while feeling so robotic and controlled and guarded in my every action and move I take? Why would I remain in these relationships and belief structures that keep my life so marginalized? ***

I don't hate my life, but I don't love it either. There are parts that I love, but I'm not filled with love as I once was. This emptiness is gnawing and painful and lonely. D on't pity me. I don't need anyone's pity. I guess the answer is that I keep trying to convince myself that the reasons for staying in this marginalized, heavily cloaked, chosen life outweigh the alternative... at least in my attempt to convince myself that this is right for me right here and now point-of-view. And it is my view, it is my choice, this is my path - timid, weak, afraid, calculated and limiting as it may seem to most... my choice as a pathetic, convictionless and spineless marginalized life.

Find the balance...Fill the void... Feed the beast

I really, really need one of these right now.

I mean really!!! I try to be good, but "good" only seems to last so long...

I've been so removed from male contact that I am feeling a bit discouraged, distraught and destroyed thinking this will never be possible for me to ever find the balance, fill the void, feed the beast...

That is a good thing!

This summer has been filled with some pretty rough times with our young adult children - serious and difficult challenges for us and them to fight through and overcome. Sometimes when we are in the middle of these struggles it is hard to see where "it gets better", but we haven't given up hope. On the way home from a family reunion the other night, my wife and I had time to ride in the car and contemplate the joys and challenges of our siblings and their young adult children, and we naturally fell into the comparison mode in measuring our childrens' joys and challenges against theirs. We shouldn't, but we couldn't help it. When you're in the middle of such a fight for survival of your children, it is a natural thing for parents to do. There was a moment of silence and then my wife said soberly... "Haven't we suffered enough? Why is this life so hard? I don't know how much more I can take. Is there anything good in my life?" I smiled, and said, "Well, I can think of one thing that is good!" "What's that?" she quietly asked. "Well," I grinned, "you still have me. Through it all, I have chosen to stay. I have chosen to be with you to the end. I am still here at your side. I haven't left, despite it all, despite my attractions, my bromantic desires, my physical needs... I am still here with you to help you through these hard times with our kids... together. And I'm not going anywhere!" She took my left hand from the steering wheel and squeezed it tightly and reassuringly. "That is a good thing!" she whispered through her tears.

My LIfe in a nutshell... or at least a major part of it...

This short film really defined me... down to the blue shirt, the khaki dress pants, the shaggy hair, and even the pen in the pocket and leather book bag... the unsure walk and stance... always looking out for the eye contact and quick smile from the cute guy... yet too shy to ever do anything about it... or too afraid to do so... always watching opportunity, fiction or reality, slip by. Can anyone else relate? For example: The other day I went into a small local shop to buy a gift card for my wife. There were several people in line at the cashier so it allowed me the time to admire the most beautiful, amazing guy working the register. He was sweet and cute and so good looking that it made me tremble a bit inside. When it was my turn he looked up and smiled brightly and sincerely at me, and I melted. I asked for a gift card and he gave me a hard time about getting a quick gift and I kidded back with him and we shared another smile and laugh. Our hands touched as he handed me the card and receipt and I felt something exciting about this little encounter. We shared a bit more small talk and smiles and then I thanked him... I wanted to tell him he made me feel so different inside and that he was so beautiful... but of course, I didn't. Sigh!

A Marigold Surprise...

If a film can bring one to laugh and cry and truly fill the spans of emotion, and develop the opportunity for a thought-provoking discussion about the saga and reality of a mixed-oriented marriage, then it must be a worthwhile piece of cinema. Such was our experience in seeing with my wife "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel". At the risk of spoiling the film for others (SPOILER ALERT!), I want to mention there is a particular key character, who surprisingly, is in a gay relationship some 40 years earlier, and the serene joy and extreme pain that relationship caused him for the rest of his life. Though not central to the overall film, this subplot became the focus for me, as it rang true with realism. I could see myself in his position and feel the emotions he was feeling. Having been close to such a relationship some 30 years ago, the unresolved feelings, the lingering questions and angst, the unrequited love, the forbidden love all come together. Add on top, the complication of a mixed-oriented marriage, of honesty or dishonesty - telling the truth of the past or keeping it hidden, and the burdens of either choice heavy just the same. Such expressions on film tend to gravitate to the sensational, tapping at the emotional heart-strings and playing on one's sympathy for the plight of the two disconnected though meant-to-be lovers. Though this film does take that liberty, it also subtly plays the hand of showing the hurt, the pain, the anguish and the understanding of the wife in this triangle. Often, the wife is forgotten, even disposed of, an unnecessary item in an otherwise ideal relationship. But this wife knew, and accepted, even allowed the reconnection of her husband with his lover of his youth, with respect and dignity, yet obvious hurt just the same. The scene could have ended, forgetting the wife, discarding her, and yet, another key character witnessing this scene goes to her and asks her how she feels and how she can accept this aspect of her husband. Though off-camera, we learn second hand, nonetheless, that she can accept this part of her husband because they have been honest with each other from the beginning, that they have nothing to hide, and because of that, she can trust him with the arrival of this long lost romance returned. The resolution of this little subplot is never fully explored, but even the vignette that is offered, has created a dialog between me and my wife. I was a bit uncomfortable at first with this portrayal of the subject - often mixed-oriented marriages are not discussed positively at all - and I was pleased that after the film, full of other stories and vignettes we could have discussed, we centered on this one for blatantly obvious reasons of hitting squarely home. She was taken back by the subject in general, seeing the gay relationship praised and the mixed-oriented marriage downplayed. Yet, as we opened up to each other, I was able to point out that the wife's feelings were expressed, honored and validated, that the key points of honesty and trust came through more so than in validating the impossible relationship of the two men of different cultures in an uncompromising time, that their marriage was a happy one, a complete one, a valid one, even with the husband admittedly gay, BECAUSE of their honesty and trust and love for and in each other! In essence, though not the intent of the story, for me, it was showing how a mixed-oriented marriage could and SHOULD work! Upon this conclusion, my wife agreed and came to terms with it and was pleased with the points I helped her to see and we confirmed something in each other, and held hands walking down the sunset-drenched streetscape to our car. We embraced and in silence, looking at each other, were able to connect in a way over a film, that validated the joy we have found in our marriage together. A powerful film, indeed.

For sure, the next time...

In last week's church leadership meeting where the Bishop was discussing some recent concerns of the stake and area authorities, a discussion insued where a very sweet and kind elderly brother, the slightly short, round and balding type with a white beard not unlike Santa in Miracle on 34th Street, got off on the current state of politics in the country and the recent events surrounding the same-sex marriage debate. He then said something that was very mean-spirited... "You know, Bishop, this gay marriage thing is so ridiculously stupid. First they want equal rights in marriage, and then what... will they want to marry a chicken?" The Bishop responded with a nervous and a bit uneasy half-chuckle: "Yeah... kind of ridiculous, huh?" and then looked at me for support. I looked at him with a disturbed and uncomfortable demeanor. I was biting my tongue. I wanted to strike out and speak up and respond with some kind of rebuttle of how "ridiculous" the statement even was, how insensitive and mean-spirited and uninformed, and inappropriate it was... but I didn't for fear of being too contentious and fearful of inappropriately losing control in such a setting. Like always, I stirred inside and let it go, convincing myself that anything I said would come out wrong and mean-spirited in return. However, after the meeting, the Bishop pulled me aside into his office and we had a one-on-one at his request. He asked me for advice about how to handle some issues at hand, and then said: "Is something bothering you?" I responded, this time without hesitation, "Yeah... I'm feeling really uneasy about the mean-spirited nature of the comments regarding same-sex marriage. I don't think that was appropriate, and I should have said something." "I hear you," the Bishop said directly, which surprised me a bit, particularly with his tepid response in the meeting. "I was not sure what to say myself and I felt I should have said something more." He could sense my discomfort level and pressed for my input... so I let him have it...

"If you want to take my temple recommend away, then so be it, but I need you to know that I don't support this current attitude of free-to-make-fun-of gay people who desire to live in a loving monogamous relationship and seek society's blessing and encouragement to do so. I don't support the Brethren like Elder Packer who lead members in a way to lack compassion, empathy and understanding and provide an avenue for such public open ridicule where stalwart members feel it safe to express such mean-spirited comments in a church leadership meeting." "I agree..." he nodded supportively encouraging me onward... "And I feel that this issue is not going to go away, nor should it. I firmly believe that a change will come with the next generation of church leadership. It may take this generation of elderly misguided brothers in the ward, as well as in the Quorum of the Twelve, to pass on... but it will come, and with it will come more compassion, informed understanding and embracing of our gay brothers and sisters... But it won't come and it won't happen as long as we allow such discussions to take place without correction, especially in a leadership meeting situation. I am sorry I didn't speak up." "I'm sorry you didn't speak up as well. I totally believe the same as you," he said sensitively. "Really?" I questioned. "Really! I need your support..." At that point, there was a knock at the door and his next appointment had arrived and so we deferred the discussion to another time... but at least, if there is any consolation to all this, the foundation has been set for another discussion on this matter, and hopefully next time I hope to have the spirit of love within me, that kind that John G-W so easily exemplifies, to counter without contention, to instruction without malice, to correct without judgment. And in the spirit of this election environment, there most certainly will be another opportunity to do so.

I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore...

A big thank those who responded to the last post. In a world where one feels trapped between all things straight and gay, it is reassuring and sustaining to reconfirm some are out there finding something worthwhile in this foolishness I write. I'm not sure I can live up to the "inspiration" that comes from this drivel, as it is what it is... That said, a thought from this week... On Friday, I finally got down to visit and take in the new urban environment recreating downtown SLC called City Creek Center. I found myself coming up out of the parking structure below and felt lost and disoriented,

having been transported to a different world. For one who deals with space planning and a fair share of urban design and architecture, this was a visually stimulating and exciting experience. I enjoyed immensely the richness of the urban social gathering and sharing I was witnessing. It seemed to me that most everyone there was just enjoying being in this amazing space and hardly anyone was really there to shop. I must say, however, that it took a while to get myself oriented to the city of my birth. This wasn't the Salt Lake City that I had come to know. I could have been anywhere in any city... there wasn't a great sense of space that said "this is Salt Lake". It took me a while to stumble across a

view to the church office building or the temple at Temple Square to finally tie this new fabric with the familiar grid and monuments of a more rigid city grid. I don't know what I was expecting, (and I don't mean to be negative at all as the architecture and outdoor community spaces were incredible indeed!) but I felt out of place, out of sorts, confused and disconnected while being so visually stimulated and excited with a sense of community all around me. I was oddly transformed like Dorothy in Oz! This was definitely not my father's or grandfather's city anymore... As I walked it with my camera, I stood back and observed. I love to people watch! I loved zooming into the faces and imagining their lives.

The couple giggling at their very wet but exuberant son dancing in the fountain, drenched and dripping with delight.

The prom dresses on parade with their tuxedo counterparts proudly and predictably prancing through the piazza! And the gay couples everywhere - in the food court,in the bathroom, at Tiffany's, and even strolling along the "creek", gladly glowing, and fearlessly and courageously holding hands... It was as if I were transformed into one of those reverse themed movies, where everyone was gay but me and I couldn't help but wonder what's wrong with me as a heterosexual! Why wasn't I holding hands with my best buddy? It was another layer of transformation. I was transformed to the thought of the "what if" game I play in my mind: What if I had taken a different path after my mission with my Italian boyfriend? What if I had never married my wife? What if I chose to follow my heart beating to a different rhythm of male bonding? What if? What if? What if? I stood back and watched for some time a cute gay couple: he was very lanky and tall and strikingly blonde, at least 6 inches taller than his more compact but stylish partner. They sweetly held each other's hands and occasionally smiled as they fondly looked at each other. They shared in the joy of new discoveries in each display window, their earrings sparkling in the sunlight. I marveled at how much I envied them, an envy that once would have consumed me in bitterness and emptiness... now an envy that simply brought a sense of satisfaction and hope. Indeed, this is not my father's or grandfather's city anymore... I'm surprised it's even mine!