A Valentine Exchange...

For the record, we had a great Valentine's Day. I sent her two dozen roses and a romantic card, took her to dinner at her favorite restaurant downtown and followed up with seeing the Joseph Smith movie and a Temple Square orchestra concert performing Tchaikovsky's "Romeo and Juliet" overture. It was fun, it was good to be together, it was a great memory.

However, not to disappoint my few readers that all is well in my corner of the universe, and to show that I'm as confused as ever, and that "Beck" remains forever conflicted, I also exchanged Valentine wishes with Thomas where, in part, I wrote:

This is a day for expressing our most profound feelings of the heart - and in that spirit I am thinking of you today affectionately, desiring to have you close, even at my side so that I can personally tell you how much I love you. If our story had taken a different path, and if I had been more honest in my feelings some 29 years ago, maybe both of us would have been different people today.

I feel an emptiness inside of me, in my heart. In this void, there is a lot of space for all the thoughts of "what if"... I can't live like this anymore. I can't dream about the "what ifs" between us, if I had done this or that and been more open to you in the past. I want to live for today, not for the past. But when I think of you, there is no today, there is only the past. We must create the present. I want to live life, not just wonder about the "what ifs"...

He responded, in part, early this morning:

Thank you for your Valentine. I've also been thinking a lot about you, as I think about you every day that passes. I want so much to see you happy and content... It troubles me that you are not...

I am convinced that you will realize your dreams, they aren't impossible things. I miss you so much! It's like we are living a romance novel. Why don't we write together our story in a form of a romance novel, changing the names etc.? What do you think? It would be a love story like none other. It would be a great challenge... who knows - maybe we'd even publish it and make a few bucks...

Anyway, thank you for writing. I think of you every day. I miss you and love you so much. You are always in my heart!

This is the point where you say something like: Beck, you're delusional... or Beck, you're trying to have it both ways... or Beck, why don't you wake up and smell those roses... or Beck, here's a firm slap on the head...

As some things change, other things continue to stay the same...

As some things change, other things remain the same...

I've never intended this blog to become a "political / current events" rant. It exists for me to vent thoughts and feelings I have that can't be vented or expressed in any other productive way. Sometimes I wonder how productive blogging is when after nearly three years of doing so, I'm still pretty much the same.

But this morning, Mike (Choosing to Choose the Right) got me thinking as he posed whether there is a change in this blogging community going on. I responded:

"I don't know who you are referring to, but speaking for myself, I find my views changing. The more I understand myself, the more I realize that this world is not as black-and-white as I thought. I find myself becoming much more tolerant, compassionate, understanding, sympathetic, empathetic, loving, etc. to those who seriously choose a path different from my own. This does not mean that I'm preparing myself to make that same choice or take that same path. What it does mean is that you (whoever you are) don't really know me, and therefore it is difficult to be judged for the decisions I'm making. As such, I don't want to judge those who make difficult choices different from me. I find myself much more willing to accept others who are taking a different path, and I feel an affinity with those who seek wisdom, and yes, even the whisperings of the Spirit, in different ways.

As I've come to be more compassionate toward myself (I used to hate and despise myself), I've become more compassionate toward others.

I don't think that altering or changing my perspective of compassion for others and seeing the wisdom and "spirit" in their choices, has weakened my resolve to still follow my own internal wisdom and spirit to do what I feel is right.

It's just not so cut-n-dry anymore about believing "my way or the highway" approach to this very complicated issue."

I've been vocal about my support for Cog, John G-W, and Cody (Gay LDS Actor) among others and the choices they are making for their respective families. Before this blog had entered my consciousness, I never would have been so compassionate and inclusive and willing to embrace their decisions. Now I do - completely! Maybe in one sense, this blog has helped me to grow.

Yet, in another sense, I don't feel growth at all:

My email dialogues continue with my dear Italian friend "Thomas" and, to a lesser but still amazing degree, with my young dear friend "Will", whose friendship remains strong and loyal, close and confidential, yet much more along the lines of mentor and mentee, teacher and student, with a touch of bromance. ("Tim" has currently disappeared since Christmas).

I particularly share with Thomas deep feelings and pains and struggles and stresses. I share feelings of love and intimacy that sometimes are sexually charged. I share in ways that emotionally connect us and he shares back. I like these dialogues, yet they remain for the most part secret and hidden.

Recently, as I was working, I flipped through radio stations and caught a host discussing the appropriateness of such relationships. The intent of the program was discussing whether men should have women other than their wife as a close friend, and whether women should have men other than their husband as a close friend (going to lunch together, car-pooling alone together, emailing privately, etc.). Obviously, my thoughts reversed the situation and I asked myself it it was appropriate for me to cultivate and continue to encourage these private emails from different men in my life, and to a broader sense, to the men / women of this blogging community.

The program spokesman summarized that one can know if the relationship is "appropriate" if:

1. It does not create an emotional connection,

2. It isn't cloaked in secrecy,

3. It isn't sexually charged, and

4. It's importance is above that of the spouse.

Well, I guess my relationship with Thomas fails to be appropriate in at least three of the four, so I guess it's inappropriate. Where this blog isn't helping me to grow is in the fact that I don't want to bring this relationship into the appropriate range. So where does that place me? I guess in the "jerk / cheater" spectrum of the spouse continuum.

As some things change, other things remain the same...

Is there no other way?

A neighbor sent me this in my email. I'm not sure of the context, (it seems to be a response to pointing out the imperfections of the Church as reason to leave the Church) but the point is poignant, especially with regards to the scuttlebutt in this community of wondering about the handling of the aftermath of Prop. 8 and the way the Church is managing (or remaining silent) the gay issues at the Utah State Legislature, or with the gay issues at large:

In a local newspaper in Provo, Utah, there had been an ongoing series of articles written by individuals who wanted to persuade LDS Church members to leave the Church. In response to the highly critical and spirited remarks, a local member wrote this rebuttal:

Editor:

I have been thinking of quitting the Mormon Church. Yes, if I can, I am going to get even with that church. As soon as I can find another church that teaches about the Gathering of the House of Israel; the return of the Ten Tribes and their mission; the return of the Jews to Palestine and why, and how they are going to build the temple; the building of temples and what to do with them; the mission of Elias, the prophet, as predicted by Malachi; the method for the salvation of the people that died at the time of Noah in the flood; the origin of the American Indian; the complete explanation of why Jesus of Nazareth had to have a mortal mother but not a mortal father; the explanation of the three degrees of glory (three heavens) as mentioned by Paul; the complete explanation of why Elias and Moses did not die but had to be translated (since they both lived before the resurrection was introduced by Christ); the restoration of the gospel by modern revelation as promised by Peter and Paul and Jesus himself; the belief in eternal marriage and the family, and the knowledge and the place to seal for eternity; that teaches abstinence from all harmful drugs and foods ; and that sells the best fire insurance policy on earth, for the last days, for only a 10th of my income.

Yes sir, as soon as I can find another church that teaches all that,or even half as much, I will say good-bye to this Mormon Church. The church that I am looking for must also be able to motivate 50,000+ youth, and adults, for the first, second or third time, to leave their homes for two years at their own expense and go to far-away places to teach and preach without salary. It must be able to call, on a frosty day, some 5 or 6 thousand professors, students, lawyers, doctors, judges, policemen, businessmen, housewives and children to go and pick apples at 6 a.m. It must be able to call meetings and get the attention for two hours of more than 150,000 men. Yes, it must also teach and show why salvation is assured for children who die before eight years of age.

Mr. Editor, could you help me find a church that teaches all that and more than hundreds of other doctrines and principles, which I have no room to mention here, and which brings solace and comfort to the soul; peace, hope, and salvation to mankind, and above all, that answers the key questions that all the great philosophers have asked; questions and answers that explain the meaning of life, the purpose of death, suffering and pain; the absolute need for a Redeemer and the marvelous plan conceived and executed by Jesus Christ the Savior?

Yes, as soon as I find another church that teaches that, and also that has the organization and the powers to make that teaching effective, I am going to quit the Mormon Church. For I should not tolerate that "they" should change a few words in the Book of Mormon-even if those changes simply improve the grammar and the syntax of the verses-for, after all, don't you think the Divine Church should employ angels as bookmakers, and clerks, to do all the chores on earth?

Don't you think, Mr. Editor, that the Divine Church should also have prophets that don't get sick and don't get old and die, and certainly, that don't make a goof here and there. No, sir! A Divine Church should be so divine that only perfect people should belong to it, and only perfect people should run it. As a matter of fact, the Church should be so perfect that it should not even be here on earth!

So, I repeat, if any one of the kind readers of this imperfect letter knows about another church that teaches and does as much for mankind as the Mormon Church, please let me know. And please do it soon, because my turn to go to the cannery is coming up. Also, "they" want my last son (the fifth one) to go away for two years and again, I have to pay for all that. And I also know that they expect me to go to the farm to prune trees, and I have heard that our ward is going to be divided again, and it is our side that must build the new chapel. And also, someone the other day had the gall of suggesting that my wife and I get ready to go on a second mission, and when you come back, they said, you can volunteer as a temple worker.

Boy, these Mormons don't leave you alone for a minute. And what do I get for all that, I asked? "Well," they said, "for one, you can look forward to a funeral service at no charge!"... Do you think you can help me to find another church?

Maybe I shouldn't be republishing something that I don't know the source or the motives behind the author, but what it says to me is that if I feel so strongly about all that is part of who I am that comes with my beliefs in what the Church has taught me and what I have come to personally know and internalize through the Spirit, if who I am is directly related to all that I have learned from this Spirit, how can I throw it all away? Not to diminish the pain of the handling of the gay issues by the Brethren, (particularly this silence thing right now with the legislature - where one thing is acceptable in CA but not in UT) but, it feel like it's a bit like throwing that proverbial baby out with the bath water.

I can't. I just can't and at least for the foreseeable future, I won't. I want to keep the baby, and just get rid of the soiled water. I understand how some get to the point that there is no separation between the baby and the water, and that both are so soiled there is no way to clean them anymore, so they all have to go. Maybe I'm just not personally there yet... or maybe I never will be. I'm the closeted, fence-sitter, hiding behind my safe facade. Maybe if I were more personally at risk it would feel more "all or nothing". But I'm a coward and I want it both ways and I don't want to expose myself to be vulnerable - so I stay where it's safe and comfortable and easy to pontificate. And yet, it truly bothers me deep down and troubles me tremendously just the same and I want that bothersome, troublesome feeling to go away. But it doesn't go away. I'm trying to just let it go and just do what I can do in my situation with my circumstances. I'm trying to love and extend love and feel the Spirit work within me to strengthen my troubling heart.

And that's why right now it hurts to see the anguish and the pain and the family destruction of so many, and on the other side, the absolute silence, the PR embarrassment, and the expedient behavior of my leaders. Even giving them the benefit of the doubt makes it difficult to understand what is going on. I know I have limited knowledge of the facts, but still...

Is this a wheat and tares moment? Is this the separation of believers and non-believers? Is it all or nothing? Am I either with them or against them? Is this a defining moment? Is this the apple-in-the-garden decision? Is there no other way?

What is one to do?

In reading the Standard Examiner's Sunday paper yesterday, I noted this editorial cartoon by Grondahl that says it all....

"You can't marry and... well, you must help us to pretend that you really don't exist."

There you go. There you have it in a nutshell... life of a Gay in Utah.

I've noted that the discussions on several blogs are centered on the double-speak of the church, particularly regarding the $2k vs. $190k revelation of church expenses for Prop 8. I mentioned on Abe's blog

"...If the Church steps in to prevent the same common laws for gay partners that were deemed acceptable by the Church in California, I think I'll begin to come apart at the seams. If they don't, and allow those same rights and privileges for Utah gays that were acceptable to California gays then I'll see more of an even-handedness in it all. To me, this will be the tipping point..."

My comment was then added to by Scott as follows:

"...The problem is that the Church's approach to the Common Ground measures in Utah so far has been to remain silent--and that silence will almost certainly not be interpreted by lawmakers as "allow[ing] those same rights and privileges" but rather as silent disapproval. I worry that nothing short of an outright declaration of support from the Church will sway legislators who allow the Church to be their "moral compass", and that that outright declaration of support will never come.

In other words, I don't think that it is, as Beck indicated, a choice between stepping in to prevent the laws from passing vs. letting them pass, but rather a choice between standing aside and watching them fail or stepping in to reaffirm support for [limited] equal rights. I'm afraid it's becoming more and more obvious which approach."

And then Alan added on his blog:

"...Beck said if the Church stepped in to block the Common Ground Initiative, he would start to come apart at the seams. Well, Beck, the Church didn't overtly step in. It knew exactly what it was doing. But it created the same result as if it had. So get out your fiberglass strapping tape Beck because you'll need it to hold yourself together.

You know, I've been an active, faithful Church member all my life. I served a mission, I've kept my temple covenants. But this kind of behavior by the Church is really really starting to get to me. Anybody else?"

And subsequent response from others stating that they were finding it hard to stay in Utah and in the Church such as Sarah:

"...Definitely. I dare say I am pissed off. Between this, my "favorite" teacher in relief society, and the awesome feeling at the documentary interview, it is getting more and more difficult to find a reason to stay.

God bless us to know what is right and what is really wolves in sheep's clothing."

And then my response:

"I have no problem in "staying" when it comes to doctrine and principles. I am firm in my beliefs, my convictions, my assurances, my testimony.

What I'm struggling with is my confidence in the leadership as they speak out of both sides of their mouths for political expediency. And I'm concerned this is the beginning of the unraveling of the seams. I'm not leaving Utah. I'm not leaving the Church. In fact, I encourage all of those who are considering leaving to contemplate the good that can be done by staying... we just need to find a good supply of strapping tape."

So is now the time to run? Is now the time to be mad as hell and quit the fight?

You've got to be kidding? What good will that do? That is the point of the editorial cartoon... "they" want us to disappear. They want us to run and hide. They want us to leave Utah. They want us to quit the Church and the State and leave and never come back.

But what good will that do? What good will any of this do? What good am I in the fight? What can I do? What am I willing to do as I continue to hide?

My point is I still have my convictions. I still have my assurances of the Spirit. I have my testimony of doctrine and principles centered on Christ and His Plan for me that I cannot dismiss or dispute or deny. Where this is leading me is to doubt the Church leadership and their handling of things for political expediency and not for divine direction. The well articulated legal summation by Alan says it all. It is double speak and double action. It is deceitful and disingenuous. Is this what I want and expect from the Church? And as such, I find my seams coming undone and I need to find something to sew me up again and make me whole again. But I can't run. I can't come undone... or all is lost.

There was a time when the Church around Joseph was coming undone in Kirtland and Independence. His Zion Societies were failing. His closest associates and many key members were disgruntled by the economic losses and mishandling of funds, and the Zion's Camp debacle to restore Zion - and many left the Prophet for seeing him as dishonest and politically expedient.

There was a point where even the Lord pulled back and said (in so many words): "This ain't workin' Joseph!".

And yet the work went on, retrenched and reborn in Nauvoo and later in SLC. This isn't just an experiment, otherwise it would have failed so many times before as past experimental societies failed throughout history. But, it lived on and has become the prophetic "stone cut without hands".

So, am I to be a Missouri saint or Kirtland saint who has lost everything and been tarred and feathered and seen my family destroyed and walk away because I can't handle it anymore? Or am I to be faithful to the spirit that I know inside me to be undeniable, and hold to that voice and the love of the Savior in my life - recognizing that the Prophet (Joseph or otherwise) are imperfect, fallible men, who do the best with what they've been given just as I am asked to do with what I've been given, and to hang on for the long haul as the stone roles forth?

I don't know... This isn't easy. It never is. I've never seen the fallibility of the leadership so clearly as right now with the way they have politically managed and misled the members over this issue and now continue to be "silent" when a little nudge in the right direction (such as with the liquor laws) can go a long way to doing a lot of good. The two-sidedness and hypocrisy is hurtful indeed. And so I am hurting, and my convictions are hurting. I'm disappointed. But is it enough to make me run? Or am I going to stay and try to be a voice of reason, a voice of conviction?

In my world around me, the typical member doesn't have a clue. These issues don't affect them personally, and so they don't see it as any debate at all. They see that the Brethren are not dishonest or hypocritical or politically expedient over this issue. They are divinely inspired. And as long as they still feel that way, what will change? This certainly won't change until the masses of the membership see it for what it is. And will my leaving the state and leaving the Church do anything to shed light where now there is only secrecy and darkness? NO!

And how will any of this help me to do the best I can with what I've been given to help others be more Christlike? I don't have time to be bitter and angry. I need to see the bigger picture more clearly and have faith that this too will resolve itself in the Lord's way just as the trials and tribulations of the past did.

This is getting too long. Help me here. What is one like me, a closeted gay Mormon believer, supposed to do?

Instead of picking at my unraveling seams and making them worse, I need to go find some strapping tape...

Who is this boy staring back at me?

For Christmas, I received a scanner that scans slides into digital images. For someone of my generation who loves to take photos, it is not strange to find shelves filled with boxes and trays of slides. The job of converting these thousands of encapsulated memories into the digital age is a daunting task. However, with a little time on hand, I grabbed a box and found our engagement slides that we took ourselves (with a timer and running into the frame, hopefully gaining our composure before the photo was shot, but not always - some had us falling over each other, bursting into laughter and as I look back on them, those are the best and we should have used them on the wedding announcement instead of the more serious, contemplative ones).

As I retrieved each image, a flood of memories and emotions came rushing back. (NOTE: Typically, when one takes the time and is brave enough to truly look at images of oneself decades earlier, it's a scary and intimidating, often embarrassing and sometimes painful experience and reality check - but I did it anyway, and I came away feeling nostalgic and longing again for an innocence and sweetness lost). It was nearly 28 years ago next month. I was just 21 years old - merely a babe - a returned missionary of just a few months, not even a year back from all the emotions associated with that incredible life-changing experience, including an equally life-altering bromance. She was back from her mission just months as well. And here we were, arms around each other, in love! Yes, we were in love! I was in love! In my innocence I was enamored with the idea of marriage and the idea that this beautiful young lady was in love with me. She completed me. She filled me up. She was my princess, my sweetness, my dear.

I look deep into the faces of these images now and can't help but wonder who these people are staring back at me so beautifully. I was surprised to note how "hot" we look. She was radiant and gorgeous, and I was a real keeper, dare I say, a young man full of the cuteness of ripe youth that is stunning - I don't remember ever thinking that I was good looking, but the eyes and smile of this boy staring back at me, so filled with hope and purpose and enthusiasm for life, are handsome and beautiful!

And I wonder... who are these people? Who is this boy staring back at me from my past? Was that really me? Was I really that naive, that optimistic about the future? Where is that boy now? Where has he gone? The lines and wounds of age and experience have scarred and clouded the vision of hope. The youth is forever lost. I hate getting old. I don't want to admit that life is passing on. I continue to think of myself still as that youthful skinny, charming student at BYU, devoted MTC teacher, recently engaged to an amazingly powerful, confident, intelligent woman who loved me, and me in love with her (and unable to process the emotions I felt inside for other men, incapable of accepting those feelings for what they were).

Am I he? Where did he go? Who am I?

Is No TV a Good Thing?

At General Priesthood Meeting yesterday morning, the Stake President had a couple of youth speak on goals for 2009. Both emphasized that this year they would not watch television and that particular goal was praised by the leadership as exceptional and phenomenal.

As I sat listening, it struck me as funny - the thing is, my kids haven't watched programmed television in years (and yes, they are teenagers). My wife (more than I) just stopped watching TV over a decade ago, and so I followed suit (more because I was building my business and working more hours than I should have and had no time for TV). It wasn't really a set policy of "thou shall not watch television" as it was just a personal choice. And the kids followed our example without protest.

The amazing thing has been that the kids have not rebelled at all. No MTV, no American Idol, - not even David Archuletta, no Super Bowl parties (it's interesting to note that even a Stake Fireside on the Book of Mormon was cancelled for next week as it would have interfered with the Super Bowl), no sporting events (except a little bit of the Olympics this summer), no cartoons. They actually see no need for watching television and fill their time with other activities and interests. Yes, they watch lots of DVDs and my son plays video games in excess (so, no, they aren't ready to be translated to a higher, more celestial sphere) but they are completely weened off of the tube.

The one exception for watching television is General Conference when we gather as a family twice a year around the flat screen. We don't watch the news - I can't even remember the last time the family saw a newscast (no election debates, though I did watch the election results) let alone a tv series, or even a sporting event. We don't have cable (gasp!) or a dish (double gasp!)and never have! We don't even own one of those black boxes that we're supposed to get by next month when the analog signal is discontinued, and according to my wife, there is no motivation to go get one...

I'm the exception to the rule. I did watch the proceedings of the inauguration last week, and I actually admit to having watched the Utes play in the Sugar Bowl at New Years, but without family around me. When I'm on the road and crash in a hotel room, I instinctively flip on the box and get in touch with the world of cable, flipping unceasingly through the great wasteland of channels. I can see where I can be easily addicted to the remote.

My wife has bought TV shows from the past and the kids have watched them on DVDs (I love Lucy, Gilligan's Island, Father Knows Best, etc.). And my son discovered the Fox series "24" at Blockbuster and now we are paying to know Jack Bauer - (we've worked our way through Season 1 and are halfway through Season 2 - and we like them a lot!- are they all worth the time?)

Don't label us as radical or fanatical for living this way. It's really just been a personal choice of my wife's and the kids and I have gone along and now it's a habit to NOT watch television. And there never was a rule not to, nor did we ever say they couldn't - they just didn't and don't.

At times, however, I regret it. I read several blogs that discuss shows that have a homosexual theme, and I want to be part of the queerosphere in watching such things as "Prayers for Bobby" among other shows, and be more up to date. At times, I want to be part of the heartbeat of the culture around us, including the gay scene. But, for the most part,that's just me, not them - it's not that important. So, we play games. We read together. We talk.

My mother, sisters, in-laws, friends ALWAYS have the tv on, even if just for background noise. It's always there, ever present. The kids see it contantly on, and it just isn't that important.

So, what have we done here? As our kids move into adulthood and as our influence diminishes on their daily choices, it's interesting to see them showing no signs of changing. I'm the one who regrets missing out. I'm the one who feels the desire to connect with the outside world - and especially with a glimpse of things gay.

So, I know you know I'm weird, but now you know how weird our family really is. Am I really missing anything important? Is there something out there that you can't live without seeing? Have we done well or did we mess up our kids forever?

A Theory...

Since work has slowed, I’ve had more time on my hands - which isn't necessarily a good thing – which leads to more blogging. I don’t know that either of these are good developments.

The first weeks of 2009 have been tense. The emotions are on the surface. We’ve been working through some tough issues. Often, the discussions end with no real plan of how to proceed other than we both want to proceed. She subconsciously still feels partially to blame for our situation no matter how many times I’ve explained that she has done NOTHING and can do nothing to fix as there is nothing to fix. So, she goes into her mode of “showing increased love afterward” showering me with increased kindnesses and attention, extra cuddling, extra little things, extra understandings that come back to me as her trying to overcompensate for what I’m under-compensating for.

This struggle for balance, compatibility and commitment is never-ending. I don’t know how to stop her from trying to overcompensate. It actually makes things worse as I feel the difference. She’s not pretending – she’s really trying to “make things right”, but no matter how hard we try to make it right, it still is what it is and we still are who we are.

This leads me to pondering for quite a while about how we have been able to keep our marriage going now 27 years with relative strength, stability and happiness despite the issues, pressures and stress associated with me being a gay man.

I talked at length to a sage friend of this community a couple of months ago and am still pondering that precious and enlightened conversation. We talked for over 2 hours about this puzzlement and how I’ve been able to withstand the influences that are certainly all around me to stay faithful and devoted to my marriage, even with an increased awareness and understanding of the true nature of my attractions.

I argued with myself that if I were really exclusively attracted to men, then how could I have been able to feel happiness, support and stability in my marriage?

Not having ever studied human psychology, I admitted my ignorance and willingness to learn. He explained his theory and observation that a relationship’s success or failure is based on three technical factors, and each individual’s level or measurement of these factors and the dynamics that they create within the relationship.

These factors are:

1) Sexual attraction: where one fits on the Kinsey scale (for lack of a better measuring device).

2) Libido: how strong, moderate, or weak one feels sexual desire, sexual energy and sexual needs being met. (Note: Wikipedia gives one definition of it as “psychic energy”, that personal something that goes beyond sexual desire, but as intriguing as those thoughts are, for the sake of this argument, I’m defining it more in the traditional sense of sexual desire).

3) Maturity level: how mature and committed one is to the success of the relationship.

He gave examples of someone like myself who is a 5+ to 6 on the Kinsey scale, but who may have a moderate to low libido and a high maturity level of commitment then there is a balance that counteracts the apparent dead-weight of the sexual attraction issue. If I were a 6, with a high libido and a low commitment level, then obviously the relationship would never have survived.

This theory does not apply only to gay men. As I’ve extrapolated this to a straight male in a heterosexual marriage, who may be a 1 on the Kinsey scale, with a high libido and a low level of maturity, even though he’s attracted to his partner, the relationship may still be less successful considering the other two factors.

I’ve thought about this a lot. I would agree for the most part I, and I would assume other men like me, have a high degree of commitment and maturity to marriage, my libido is not off the charts, and yes, I am a 5+, that it balances itself with my wife’s 0 to 1 Kinsey scale, moderate libido and very high maturity / commitment level. As a couple, our combination, for the most part, works together and finds a sense of satisfaction and happiness.

It is when either she or I desire more of the sexual energy from the other in ways that the other cannot reciprocate that throws this three-legged stool off balance. Our respective desires ebb and flow like everyone and we are on cycles of “needs” that should be met by our partner and when she “needs” me in ways that I cannot honestly satisfy without pretending, or when I have “needs” to be with another man (who sweeps me off my feet and carries me away), and not my wife and no matter how beautiful or voluptuous or sexy she makes herself for me, it does nothing to meet those “needs” – then the relationship suffers. I may desire to satisfy my needs by looking it elsewhere, and become depressed, disillusioned and dissatisfied in the process, and she becomes destroyed as a woman, having failed to excite her man, and thus it must be her fault – and then there goes the self-esteem, self-abuse, and self-worth and no matter what maturity level or commitment level there may be, can do nothing to overcome the wobbliness of stool until those libido levels level out and settle down.

I guess this is where the honesty of the relationship kicks in. If we know how we don’t meet each other’s needs in some ways, but make up for them in others, there may remain some hope for the future? But even though she knows that I prefer men and that she doesn’t excite me as she’d like, and as I know that she doesn’t excite me as I would like, and we have this knowledge firmly planted in front of us, it still ain’t easy when the libido and attraction issues accentuate leading to a nasty head-on collision.

Like our decoratively carved Indian three-legged stool in our parlor, there is an instability factor. If a heavy-set person sits back on it, the back leg breaks, taking too much of the load. Thus, I would add another component to the stool, a fourth leg that helps to keep it in balance even if that one leg goes off the charts and cannot be satisfied or complimented within the relationship – and that is a friendship or compatibility factor. Somehow because we are “best friends” and are very compatible in our desires and wants and goals in life and into the future, it goes a long way in that stability factor.

And carrying the stool imagery a bit further, maybe an over-arching factor that ties in with all of the other legs – which might be envisioned as the seat portion that bridges the legs and adds comfort to any wobbliness or instability - is a LOVE factor. It may not be the in love factor that attraction and libido bring to the relationship, but maybe an intangible something that brings comfort and support… maybe this has more to do with the maturity factor, but it’s less measurable and more ethereal.

Some may argue that men like me should never have attempted marriage (and I’ve seen many examples of the prevailing attitude of the gay community at large who think it so irresponsible to do so) and that to do so is only asking for trouble and eventually hurts both partners and ends inevitably in disaster.

Well, my answer to that is that is hindsight. I can’t go back. I didn’t know then what I do know now. I am who I am. This is my life. I am committed to the choices I’ve made and I’m trying to do my best with what I’ve been given to bring a conclusion that leads not just to happiness but true joy!

And so, this leads to the subsequent “So what?” Or the “what’s next?” And that leads nicely into the “So what does she want?” Or, the eternal “what do I want?” questions…

I’d be interested in your thoughts regarding this theory…