The courage to change?

Over the course of the last couple of months, I have been discussing my life's choices and situations and dilemmas before me with a dear, close friend (who has been using me as a practice for his new career as a therapist). I have shared with him my inner most thoughts and desires, my dreams and wishes for the future. We have played the "what if" of the various choices before me, and he has pushed me to study more about Freud, the ID, EGO and SUPEREGO and trying to help me to find a balance in my life... seeking ways to free up some of my subconscious with the conscious life, and calm down my oversensitive or over reaching superego.

It has been a fascinating adventure together. He has given me much to ponder and contemplate and, in turn, I have given him, I hope, an atypical client to work with.

He has pushed me to think about other possibilities than just my current situation. Recognizing that my current situation and my commitment to my marriage and family runs counter to most of my inner desires to be free of the burdens of hiding my homosexuality, my friend has attempted to get me to envision or investigate the possibilities of life outside of marriage and what that would be like, or life outside the church and what that would entail. Would I need to move from Utah? Would I need to change jobs and / or careers? Would I find life more free and tranquil? Would it "get better"? To do thse things, would I need to let go of my faith?

I've tried to oblige and be honest with myself, seeking to see another way out of my situation... I can see life without my marriage, and I have envisioned finding someone else, especially another man who can completely love me - all of me. But it's hard to see that vision clearly as I still am in love with my wife and our life together has beautiful moments and there still exists some magic between us that it is still worth the effort to keep it going. Until such time that that scenario changes, I find the vision of leaving her somewhat foggy and confusing, and more wishful thinking than reality. Why unncessarily create a void in my life where there is still some marital happiness?

I've tried to envision life outside the confines of the church and the tremendous power it has over me and the choices I make daily in how I live my life. I can envision that day when I am so personally disconnected that there is no more hold over me with its teachings and principles of how to live as a gay man, that like some, my faith changes into myth. I can see that happening... But it's hard to see that vision clearly as well, for despite my doubts and fears and disconnections in my faith, I still have faith! Enough faith that I can't let go, or it won't let me go. Am I so entrenched in my thinking and belief structure that I can't imagine being outside that belief structure? How do I let go of something that still brings me satisfaction and joy, and a certain peace. I keep thinking that without my faith in God and in His purpose for me, what replaces it? Why again create a void in my life where there is still some sense of goodness I receive from faith-promoting service and worship?

My friend thinks my life has made me severely emotionally disturbed and I need a professional to help me find the courage to let go of those things that are holding me back, to forget what others think of me, and to venture out as a new man, a new gay man, proud and ready to face a new world with new opportunities and new purposes. Maybe he's right. Maybe I do lack the courage necessary to step out and leave behind the chains that have held me down, under intense pressure and stress, unable to express the inner self I've learned to hide so well. Maybe I fear the future of such choices too much. Maybe I won't allow myself the opportunity to be "free" of it all and enable myself to finally live the life I'm "supposed to live". And maybe I won't allow it because I'm still homophobic of myself. Maybe the pain of my desires is not sufficient to counter the perceived pain such choices will cause others to endure.

I tried to counter that I thought it took courage to stay on this path, to fight the good fight, to give up my inner ID desires for something of possible perceived greater value. He didn't like that response. He feels I am stifling my growth. I am stunted, and will never be able to learn and grow beyond this point without being courageous enough to step out and change the formula. Like any good chemical experiment, there needs to be a catalyst that is added to the formula mix to make the change, to create a new element, to be free of the past. Where is my catalyst for change? Some of you have come to that point of change and face it head on and have conquered your fears and allowed yourselves to move on. I have witnessed this time and time again from many in this community and I know it to be possible intellectually, and I honor you brave souls for being able to change, to step beyond your fears and embrace your desires and allow those desires to take you to a brave new world of possibilities.

I think I have frustrated him to the point that he doesn't know what to say or do with me without me being willing to try to experiment a bit. Is this the answer? Is there no other way? Is my path really for the stunted and cowards, too fearful to face reality and permit oneself to grow? Does inner peace only come at the sacrifice of family and faith and fear of the outcomes of such sacrifices?

It's just my imagination...

I have a friend who has been a school teacher for years and has now embarked on a new career into private counseling and therapy. After being brave enough to discuss with him my "situation", he has taken a keen interest in helping me and "practicing" on me. I told him that I would be willing to open up and share with him my thoughts and feelings about my attractions and desires and how they don't align necessarily with my day-to-day life and family situation. He was eager to try to help and grateful for my willingness to be used as an opportunity for him to "practice".

It's interesting that as I've shared with him my feelings, he has gravitated to trying to investigate my relationship with my father and the root feelings that may have come from that rapport, and whether that relationship was good or bad, etc. Frankly, I was quite put off by this approach. I am so far from this line of thinking that it isn't even funny. I am not interested whatsoever in finding the "cause" of my attractions, nor am I even faintly interested in searching for

someone to "blame". The blame game was played out years ago, and I came to the conclusion that there is absolutely no one to blame. I was never abused, I had a great relationship with my father (we weren't best buds, but we weren't enemies either) and he was not absent from my life - in fact, he was very much connected with my life all the way to the end of his.

I find it funny that my friend's approach slipped so quickly on this prescribed path. Maybe he didn't know what to say.

So, now he's talking to me about my "lack of experience" and how can I really profess to know that I am attracted to men sexually if I've never had sex with a man. My likes and attractions may be more "imaginary" than real, seeing that they are not part of any real experience.

I find this approach very distorted as well. I, indeed, know what I am attracted to when I see it and what pushes my buttons and makes me all twitterpated inside. I told him to turn the question around and to ask himself how he knows that he was heterosexual prior to any real sexual experience, and that it really is the same for all of us. Some things are fundamental and so deeply based within our persona that it exceeds any logical explanation based on experimentation - it just is what it is!

But it has been on my mind and has bothered me some... As much as I understand my attractions toward men, can I really know where I am without having sexual experience to confirm my attractions? Is it possible to be a non-practicing gay and still know for assurity without "experience"? And in my chosen path and circumstance, I am not about to "experience" such a reality any time soon... so am I just imagining that I'm gay?

What do you think? How would you respond to such a question? Do you feel experience is needed to know for certain about such things? I want to know what if feels like to be kissed intimately by another man that loves me for who I am. I know that I can't really know what that is like without experiencing it for myself and that until I do, I am left to my imagination. But does that change who I am or what makes me who I am and what I know?

Can one just "know"? Or is this all just a big game of pretend?

A simple moment...

It's been a couple of months now... feeling consumed with a sense of hopelessness with my "situation" and the loneliness, anxiety, frustration, anger and emptiness that follows - a punishing private pity party for sure! I've been an inmature boob.

I allow my feelings of inauthenticity to overwhelm me and overcome me to the point that I can't see beyond my own self. I forget or can't remember the joys and goodness and bounty and blessings and fortunes and love around me. All I can see is the terrible situation that is my life and nothing more. I can't sleep. I can't connect. I can't feel... And yet I'm overcome with feelings and emotions are very much camping out on the surface.

It has become this mode of operation for some time now. And I'm so tired... so tired... In this spirit, we took the family to Temple Square Saturday evening and downtown to enjoy the lights and spirit of the season that should be beautiful as usual. You would think with family, and kids all around me excited in the spirit of it all that I wouldn't feel so lonely and befuddled. But I was.

We shuffled to the manger scene presentation between the Tabernacle and the North Visitor's Center and stopped to listen to the scriptural rendition of the nativity. I stood there contemplating what I was doing, why I was so consumed, how lost and lonely I felt surrounded in the crowd of people.

Deep in thought I prayed for some kind of support to get through this current funk. I stopped hearing the speaker or the hustle and chatter about me and I looked up and my view caught straight onto the Christus statue through the window and I "heard" a voice penetrate me soul... saying:

"Please listen: You're okay! I love you! I love you completely as you are!"

It really was that simple. I felt the love of my Savior overcome me and envelope me to the point that I started weeping uncontrollably. My wife and kids wondered what was up with dad and I just tried to shrug it off, but I couldn't. I'm sure they didn't think much of it as I've been a bit weepy of late. I felt the spirit whisper to me that I was understood, that I was validated, that my feelings of confusion, frustration, anxiety and anger were realized. I was given at that moment a sense of peace that sustained me through the weekend (and an incredible Sabbath) to the point that I could begin to engage again with family, friends, neighbors, and myself.

I know that I am on the right path for me, as strange as that seems to some, and that I must keep keepin' on. I know that I will fall, that I am broken (as we all are "broken" in the sense of being imperfect) and that the healing and comforting and real affects of the atonement are a continuing event for me. I need this sustaining influence continuously to help me through the "pity parties" that keep me in the dark and feeling hopeless in my circumstances.

In that one brief moment on Temple Square, I felt a glimpse of blissful peace, renewing comfort, and reassurance, enough such that I can keep going, and keep doing the best with who I am, that I am loved and accepted for who I am. I know the funk will return. I will cycle again as I am known to do... But I hope for myself that writing this experience down will help me to remember.

There is always hope! I am truly blessed! I have been given much! I am surrounded with love!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

May you find comfort and joy!

At this time of year, with all of the festivities of the season all around us, you'd think my thoughts would be centered on family, loved ones, and Christ. Though I am blessed with an amazing family, devoted loved ones, and a firm conviction of Christ, why then, do I feel consumed with loneliness, and longing endlessly for that which I cannot have, nor ever will? Why am I finding it even more difficult to concentrate on work, on family, on those blessed things around me? Why am I consumed in that which I have forbidden myself to share in?

I cannot sleep. I am wrestless. There is a stirring inside that never ends. It is a nagging, cramping ache that is chronic and eternal. I am finding it more and more difficult to go to bed... when I go to bed my mind races with thoughts and images and dreams of those forbidden things. It overwhelms me. I break out in a sweat and the anxiety is suffocating. I can't seem to shake it, nor overcome it. I feel like it is overcoming me... I end up obsessing over it and start castigating myself for letting this linger so long and befuddle me so.

Not a very merry post of tidings of great joy, no? I really am truly blessed with bounty and joy... so why can I not feel it so now? Why am I feeling such loneliness and emptiness surrounded by such bounty and joy?

All I want for Christmas is to give and receive a kiss... a simple kiss. Do you want to do a gift exchange and share a kiss with me? Merry Christmas to you and yours. May you find peace and plenty, comfort and joy, affinity and affection!!! May you be blessed with loved ones surrounding you. May you find satisfaction in your choices you make each day. And may you be able to sleep at night....

Feeling Marginalized...

Life is a journey of connected choices. Mine has been a life "marginalized" by the choices I've made. I am forever making choices to be on the edge, on the outside looking in, never completely immersed in the middle, jumping into the fray just because it felt right, or authentic. Instead, it's always calculated, measured, weighing the consequences. That's the way we are supposed to make choices, right? The other day I watched with intense interest the FarBetween video of Mikeal and Mandi and their openness and honesty regarding the "choices" they've made in their marriage and their commitment to "make it work". I personally know Mikeal and feel an amazing love for him and for Mandi, as I know similar pain, sorrow, joy and friendship with my wife and our relationship together. It was Mandi's expressions of her pain in not being fully needed or wanted by her husband, particularly speaking of intimacy, that it hit home to me how much I have caused my wife to feel similar painful emotions of being trivialized, and marginalized in our marriage. And it pains me to know that no matter how hard I try, no matter how spontaneous and "dancing in the kitchen" I can be with her, seeking her out, telling her how beautiful she is, sweeping her in my arms and giving her a fat kiss by surprise, it still rings empty to her. She knows my natural affections and affinity remain elsewhere and she is playing the role of the supportive straight wife of a gay husband - and we both are marginalized. It was Mikeal's description of intimacy as "work" and "needing to be in another place to make it work" that rang true with my reality. His needs were being marginalized as well as he tries to "make it work". How many times have I used that phrase of doing my best to "make it work", regarding intimacy with my wife? How about every time? Yet, their choice to stay together is one where they have concluded that the reasons to stay and "make it work" outweigh those that don't. Thus, they stay together, just as my wife and I stay together. This is our choice, this is our journey, this is our path -marginalized as it may be. ***

I really wanted to attend the Circle the Wagons Conference. I am personal friends with Steve and John and email friends with Joseph, three of the four panelists, and found myself drawn to the discussion of this panel and the personal stories shared. But, you see, I couldn't go. I had other commitments, commitments to family and church that keep me from going and doing what I'd like to do. I am not open and out and free to express as they are and do. I am not the captain of my ship. I am pulled in different ways by many who control who I am as I allow myself to be marginalized. I couldn't go because I was afraid to stand up for what I wanted to do and just do it. I couldn't go because I feared being outed by my attendance at a public function dealing with gay mormons in this community of brothers and sisters. I couldn't go because I was intimidated by the reaction of some in this community that the choices I've made - marginalizted or not - would be viewed by the community at large as hurtful, threatening, and invalid. I have never intended my life, or my choice of staying in a MOM relationship as being an example to anyone that "this is what you should do - I'm doing it and making it work, and so, so should you!" But in witnessing such hurtful, even hateful comments toward the likes of Steve, made me all the more feel marginalized again, even in this community of fellow blogging brothers, a community with which associations have developed over the course of over seven years to help me to move from the hell-hole that was my reality to some sense of acceptance of my homosexuality. ***

My choices regarding my beliefs are constantly placing me in a marginalized position. Refusing to allow myself to have close relationships with other brothers, even within the realm of the church (where I once thrived with such relationships), has put me constantly on guard. And checking myself constantly has placed my emotions on the fringe. I find myself less engaging in others lives. I find myself less connected with those around me who I should be caring for even more. I find myself becoming more robotic, less spontaneous, more calculated with every move - and thus, disconnected from humanity, even spirituality. My beliefs become categorized and I find myself cringing at things being said or preached, cringing that reminds me I'm different - I'm not jumping in the fray - I'm on the side, in the margins, on the edge, I'm not like these other brothers and sisters around me... ***

This blog has become marginalized. I've witnessed this blogging community "pass me by" as I have allowed myself, through my own fear-based choices, to be pushed to the side, to see others progress on their respective paths. My staying put has in essense helped the marginalization of this blog. I don't know much more that I can say or offer here. I'm not changing. I probably never will. I will allow my life to play out the safe way, the compromised way, the easy way. I'll keep being the good boy, doing what I'm "supposed to do" because I "should" be this way. Believe me, there is nothing in this blog that says that "you should try it - this is the way, come follow me!". I don't have much more to say or offer that doesn't sound contrived. I'm neither the shining example of the married Mormon gay man who is proud of who he is and his beliefs and isn't afraid of who may know or not know, not caring of the beliefs or comments coming at him from all sides, because he KNOWS who he is! Nor, am I the shining example of the guy who was brave enough to get the divorce and freeing up his wife and kids to live their honest and more authentic life without him as the hiding shell of a man that he was, being able to be authentic with himself in return and be free from the shackles of a belief structure that has imprisoned his every choice for decade upon decade, now able to live his life as it was "intended" and "should" be lived! No, I'm neither of those courageous men, men of strength, men of valor, men of honor. I'll continue to be as marginalized as this blog has become... ***

So why do I live this way? Why do I remain the good soldier keeping up the fight when I feel marginalized in my marriage and in turn marginalizing my wife's self-worth, esteem and value as a woman? Why do I hide from the community and keep myself from being seen in the true light, even within the safety of this very community, and such events of "coming together" as the recent CtW conference? Why do I remain the functioning, seemingly strong priesthood leader in the church with the facade of the perfect marriage and family, while feeling so robotic and controlled and guarded in my every action and move I take? Why would I remain in these relationships and belief structures that keep my life so marginalized? ***

I don't hate my life, but I don't love it either. There are parts that I love, but I'm not filled with love as I once was. This emptiness is gnawing and painful and lonely. D on't pity me. I don't need anyone's pity. I guess the answer is that I keep trying to convince myself that the reasons for staying in this marginalized, heavily cloaked, chosen life outweigh the alternative... at least in my attempt to convince myself that this is right for me right here and now point-of-view. And it is my view, it is my choice, this is my path - timid, weak, afraid, calculated and limiting as it may seem to most... my choice as a pathetic, convictionless and spineless marginalized life.

Find the balance...Fill the void... Feed the beast

I really, really need one of these right now.

I mean really!!! I try to be good, but "good" only seems to last so long...

I've been so removed from male contact that I am feeling a bit discouraged, distraught and destroyed thinking this will never be possible for me to ever find the balance, fill the void, feed the beast...

That is a good thing!

This summer has been filled with some pretty rough times with our young adult children - serious and difficult challenges for us and them to fight through and overcome. Sometimes when we are in the middle of these struggles it is hard to see where "it gets better", but we haven't given up hope. On the way home from a family reunion the other night, my wife and I had time to ride in the car and contemplate the joys and challenges of our siblings and their young adult children, and we naturally fell into the comparison mode in measuring our childrens' joys and challenges against theirs. We shouldn't, but we couldn't help it. When you're in the middle of such a fight for survival of your children, it is a natural thing for parents to do. There was a moment of silence and then my wife said soberly... "Haven't we suffered enough? Why is this life so hard? I don't know how much more I can take. Is there anything good in my life?" I smiled, and said, "Well, I can think of one thing that is good!" "What's that?" she quietly asked. "Well," I grinned, "you still have me. Through it all, I have chosen to stay. I have chosen to be with you to the end. I am still here at your side. I haven't left, despite it all, despite my attractions, my bromantic desires, my physical needs... I am still here with you to help you through these hard times with our kids... together. And I'm not going anywhere!" She took my left hand from the steering wheel and squeezed it tightly and reassuringly. "That is a good thing!" she whispered through her tears.