I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore...

A big thank those who responded to the last post. In a world where one feels trapped between all things straight and gay, it is reassuring and sustaining to reconfirm some are out there finding something worthwhile in this foolishness I write. I'm not sure I can live up to the "inspiration" that comes from this drivel, as it is what it is... That said, a thought from this week... On Friday, I finally got down to visit and take in the new urban environment recreating downtown SLC called City Creek Center. I found myself coming up out of the parking structure below and felt lost and disoriented,

having been transported to a different world. For one who deals with space planning and a fair share of urban design and architecture, this was a visually stimulating and exciting experience. I enjoyed immensely the richness of the urban social gathering and sharing I was witnessing. It seemed to me that most everyone there was just enjoying being in this amazing space and hardly anyone was really there to shop. I must say, however, that it took a while to get myself oriented to the city of my birth. This wasn't the Salt Lake City that I had come to know. I could have been anywhere in any city... there wasn't a great sense of space that said "this is Salt Lake". It took me a while to stumble across a

view to the church office building or the temple at Temple Square to finally tie this new fabric with the familiar grid and monuments of a more rigid city grid. I don't know what I was expecting, (and I don't mean to be negative at all as the architecture and outdoor community spaces were incredible indeed!) but I felt out of place, out of sorts, confused and disconnected while being so visually stimulated and excited with a sense of community all around me. I was oddly transformed like Dorothy in Oz! This was definitely not my father's or grandfather's city anymore... As I walked it with my camera, I stood back and observed. I love to people watch! I loved zooming into the faces and imagining their lives.

The couple giggling at their very wet but exuberant son dancing in the fountain, drenched and dripping with delight.

The prom dresses on parade with their tuxedo counterparts proudly and predictably prancing through the piazza! And the gay couples everywhere - in the food court,in the bathroom, at Tiffany's, and even strolling along the "creek", gladly glowing, and fearlessly and courageously holding hands... It was as if I were transformed into one of those reverse themed movies, where everyone was gay but me and I couldn't help but wonder what's wrong with me as a heterosexual! Why wasn't I holding hands with my best buddy? It was another layer of transformation. I was transformed to the thought of the "what if" game I play in my mind: What if I had taken a different path after my mission with my Italian boyfriend? What if I had never married my wife? What if I chose to follow my heart beating to a different rhythm of male bonding? What if? What if? What if? I stood back and watched for some time a cute gay couple: he was very lanky and tall and strikingly blonde, at least 6 inches taller than his more compact but stylish partner. They sweetly held each other's hands and occasionally smiled as they fondly looked at each other. They shared in the joy of new discoveries in each display window, their earrings sparkling in the sunlight. I marveled at how much I envied them, an envy that once would have consumed me in bitterness and emptiness... now an envy that simply brought a sense of satisfaction and hope. Indeed, this is not my father's or grandfather's city anymore... I'm surprised it's even mine!

The 7th year begins!

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the 7th year of this blog! When it began, I really didn't see this far into the future. Actually, in some ways, I thought I would have moved on by now, either:

1. moved beyond the hate and guilt and mistrust in my feelings and attractions and come to face the reality of my gayness, embrace it and all things 'gay', abandon my marriage, and never look back, or...

2. moved beyond the need for a blog and all things MOHOspherish and accepted myself for who I am while embracing the other parts of me, including my marriage, in a way that brought me fulfillment and joy, and no longer required some touch with this community anymore as I would have figured it all out and have nothing more to ponder out loud to a cyber audience.

Well, here I still am... and I still find a need to be here. The path I've chosen through these six years has not taken me through Door no. 1. I have chosen Door no. 2, and yet, that "fulfilment and joy" part, though sprinkled with happiness, is still lacking. There remains a hole in my heart, an emptiness that sometimes consumes me, a void that cannot be filled.

I am well beyond the "woe is me" mode of self-pity. I feel I have progressed somewhat in the direction of self-acceptance and self-assurance. You be the judge and tell me what you think. I feel I have internally come to terms with the essence of who I am and always have been. I have come to willing accept this as a wonderful part of my eternal being. And this blog has documented how I've received intimate and personal revelation in the Temple - a voice in my head as a clear and powerful message - from the Holy Ghost confirming that it's okay to be who I am, it's even okay to laugh about being distracted by beautiful men in the Lord's House, and that the Lord is laughing WITH me, not AT me, lovingly and gracefully acknowledging me - the whole me, the me that I've come to know and accept. I find peace and comfort, even progress in that.

Yet, I'm still stuck. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm trapped. I sense no real progression. I am not able to go forward, nor backward. I'm not OUT and so I'm still a prisoner in my own skin and circumstance. I have progressed to this point, but cannot progress any further. I've hit that hard ceiling of my closet's firm lid. My commitments, circumstances, environment, covenants, sacred vows, promises, keep me anchored for sure, anchored in good ways, but anchored nonetheless in this box. My convictions and personal witnesses are many and I am indeed grateful for the numerous tender mercies that keep me connected to that rod of iron, yet iron nonetheless around this ankle.

I've heard it said that if one is not moving forward, one is actually moving backward. Progress is only when one takes steps to change.

In some ways I have changed. I used to beg the Lord for the healing power of the atonement to HEAL me and make me whole from these afflicting attractions. I used to plead for the strengthening power of the atonement to STRENGTHEN me to resist these attractions and temptations. I now beg and plead for the Lord to HEAL my empty heart and feel the void that remains from years of self-loathing and guilt. I now plead for the Lord to STRENGTHEN me to be fearless in my self-acceptance, and to fight the fears that continue to plague me, each day wondering when I will stand up and be counted among the brave ones who don't shun their eternal true nature.

But I am not healed, nor free of guilt. And I remain fearful and weak, very weak, indeed.

In the coming days and weeks, I hope to write some more. I hope to find the inspiration that has recently been lacking, to place my thoughts again on this page. For you see... I still need this blog! Even if just for me to get it out there to be seen and heard by no one else but me! I still need to reach out, even be understood.

The readers of six years ago are mostly long gone, having moved on, progressed forward and upward to better places and better stages of life. Who is left? Who is out there? I need to know you are there. I don't chat anymore. I don't reach out to you as I did before. I don't meet you, break bread with you, embrace you. I hardly embrace anyone anymore, which is sad. I catch myself and stop myself from "doing what comes naturally" and each time I do, I do so consciously and purposefully limiting my reach, my touch - thus expanding that void.

In the real world, there's a shell, an empty man of lies and confusion, still in great need - six long years later!

When you said "yes" you really said "no"...

So... last week I sat on the front row of a Family Relations class with my wife at my side. The teacher, whether inspired or not, took my hand in hers and said something in front of the class but directly to me, staring me intently in the eyes - something that I've been pondering all week.

She said, referring to my wife: "When you said "yes" to her, at that moment, you also said "no" to everyone else, both MALE and female. You said "no" to other romances, needs, desires. At that moment, she became your romance, your need, your desire."

She then took my wife's hand, but still holding mine, and again speaking in front of the class, but directly to her, looked her in the eyes as intently as she had with me, and said: "When you said "yes" to him, you agreed to accept him completely and all that he is and isn't."



I was a bit shaken. I wasn't sure if she was inspired by the spirit to say what she said... but she summed up pretty precisely our relationship. Why did she say "MALE or female"? That sounded a bit odd. And why was my challenge to say "no" to everyone else and keep saying "yes" to my wife, instead of me being accepting of her? And why was she told to "accept" me for who I am, instead of saying "no" to everyone else?

In other words, she unknowingly cut us to the core, stripping all facades away. Maybe it was my fear of my "secret" being out that I felt like I was hiding behind a shear veil and everyone could see me for who I really am.

I am left wondering if I, forever, am to strip myself of my desires, needs, and attractions for men, and attempt to fill those needs instead with her. She, knowing of my desires, needs and attractions not naturally focused on her, is left, forever, to accept the real me for who I am. That is our lot in this life.

I'm struggling to put my desires and needs away neatly in the corner to focus solely on her, and yet, that is still my goal to do so. I have committed my life to be there with her, focused on her, focused on us. I don't always do that. I allow myself to drift at time, using means of "self-medication" to meet my boxed up needs. She knows, even if she doesn't fully understand. And for whatever unexplainable reason, she continues to accept me, the real me, and has come to accept that this is who I am, and for whatever reason, she still loves me just the same.

Now, those statements the teacher made could have been made to any couple. I understand that. We are not unique.

But, the uniqueness of our marriage, and its particular challenges we face together each day, hit home all the same.

And so it goes...

***

By the way, this is my 400th post! I'm quickly approaching the completion of my 6th year of blogging. At the rate I was posting in the first few years, I should have reached this point much sooner than now. At the rate I'm posting now, who knows if I'll get to 425 let alone 500 posts.

I have promised myself to continue to blog when I feel what I have to say is relevant to me and to this audience. At the moment, the frequency is down.... down, but still not out.

Eye lock...

January is always a very hard month. It isn't the post-holiday blues. Nor is it the increased darkness, cold, inversions that sink the soul. No, for me, it is something more...

January is the anniversary of my "coming out" to my wife. It's now been seven years! Where has the time gone? With each passing year, there are moments and events celebrating great improvement, but with each January, it's like those emotions of the first "revelation" of my attractions bubbles up again and renews its ugliness, if only in the sense of increased anxiety, emotions on edge, self-doubt and worthlessness all hitting her hard and thus affecting me as well.

In that environment, an amazing thing happened. It was a week ago in church. I was on the stand as usual and she was sitting second row back with clear eye contact with me. I could tell in reading her eyes that her emotions were close to the surface, ready to bubble over. We sang the closing hymn and our eyes locked. This particular hymn has special meaning to the two of us for a variety of reasons - it's one of "our hymns". As we sang, we didn't look down at the words - we knew them by heart - we stayed in an eye-lock.

In that connection, I tried to portray as I was singing, that I loved her, that I still did even after seven years of the "revelation", and that I hoped she felt that, too.

I started singing in our shared second language, and she could tell from my lips that I was no longer singing in English. I could see her change to our second shared language as well. It was then that I was hit by a spiritual feeling that overwhelmed my body - something that I hesitate to share but feel I need to. In that moment, I felt an assurance that I still did love her, that I did want to stay with her, that we are meant for each other to be connected despite my attractions otherwise, and how grateful I am for her still being there with me after these seven years!

It was an incredible moment of peace, knowledge, assurance, pure intelligence all in one. I started to tear up and so did she. That was it... and then it was over.

***

More than not, I wonder if sharing such personal feelings really has any value to this community anymore. I'm at the point of thinking I have nothing more to share... I've hesitated to share this very personal experience. But I hope it has value for others as they read this.

The feeling that came did not say that my feelings for men will go away or even decrease, they just are... and that is the way it just is... but it's okay, and it's okay to still share my life with an incredible, amazingly wonderful woman, and how grateful I am for these last seven tough years.

I hope that has value to you.

Thanks for listening.

Merry Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS...

May those of you who still come here to read of Beck (and this one particularly important and vital aspect of who I am), find peace and serenity in your various paths in this coming year.

That is my prayer for you and me as we continue to figure this out together.

BUON NATALE!!

A brief encounter...

CASE IN POINT: It's a gay thing, I guess...

The other night I arrived at the airport after a long business trip. The airport was seasonally busy with lots of activity in every direction. I was tired and anxious to get on my way, to be with family, to settle back into the warmth of home. Boarding the bus for the long-term parking lot, I got smashed in the middle of mostly businessmen hanging on in very tight standing-room-only personal space, shoulder bags and bodies mashing together.

It was in this scenario that I found myself staring into the face of a most exceptionally beautiful man. He was in his late 20s or early 30s. His eyes were piercing blue, with amazing lips and smile. His blond hair was neatly groomed and his nose beautifully proportioned. His neck and body fit and lean and strong. He smelled sweet and intoxicating and I couldn't help but drink him in. We bumped together and leaned in unison around the bends and up and over the overpass. Our eyes met a couple of times and we smiled with brief small-talk of being pleasantly crushed together.

He wormed his way through the mass of bodies and got off at stop no. 1 and so did I quickly following his path. He headed in the direction of my car and I followed closely behind, admiring his shoulders and buns and manly walk. I wanted to keep drinking him in and found myself enchanted by his mere essence. Before I knew it, I had followed him past my car and into the next lot. I found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss him. When he stopped at his car, I finally realized I had completely forgotten what I was doing, and came to my senses and circled back to my car.

Sigh...

I've pondered this since and wonder if I get so mesmerized and consumed and overwhelmed by such brief encounters with gorgeous men because of my gay celibacy or is it "just a gay thing"?

Is this normal?

Just wondering.

An early Christmas Gift!

I received an early Christmas present - one of those parental pay days! My oldest graduated from college today! I wasn't sure how I was going to feel, but sure enough I felt pretty proud and excited as a proud papa should be.

Sometimes I wonder if I had never married, never experienced fatherhood... that was, indeed, a real possibility. But naively, I married and eventually parenthood followed. This child, in particular, has faced amazing challenges from the very beginning - physical, emotional, spiritual, and social challenges that would have completely stopped me (and most anyone else)but she's a survivor, a fighter, an amazing woman. What a blessing!

There's an emotional wave coming over me as I put all the feelings together of watching this significant achievement in her life. You worry and fret and push and pull and route for your children to grow and succeed and find their own path into adulthood... and you wonder if it will ever happen, and then it finally does. Now the waves of anxiety over the potential of future opportunities of where life will go from here come forward as reality hits that it's over and real life starts.

That's for another day. Right now, I'm just so excited and pleased for this, her personal goal, obtained. It's been a struggle with times when we thought this day would never be realized. But what an example of perseverance, hard work, self resolve and personal sacrifice to make it to the end.

And now a beginning!

yes... proud indeed...

What a great gift!