House of Cards...

Why does life have to be so hard? Now that's a question that nobody else around here has ever raised before, right?

Where is the joy in making life so hard?

What's the big deal about self-denial and obedience first above all else?

Where does mercy outweigh justice? Shouldn't there be consequences to be paid? Drawing lines in the sand are not meant to be crossed - and yet, when they are crossed, then what? Is there mercy or justice? Does one offer more unconditional love by being empathetic and understanding? Or is that a disservice to the offense and that instead one should "pay" the consequences of one's actions? There are always consequences, right? And if not, then aren't we just enablers?

It's called tough love, no? You are supposed to show the way and it needs to be followed. And if it isn't followed, then what?

And why, when all emotions and anger and flare ups boil to the top, as they always do, does it feel like it comes back to one point... that you don't know how to love in the right way... you don't know how to love your spouse... you don't know how to love your children... you are a bad father because deep down, you're all screwed up yourself and really, you don't know anything about love.

So tempers flare... fights break out... family rules and "drawn lines" are crossed. Are there consequences to be faced - justice to be paid? Or is there forgiveness and empathy?

And even though others have their own choices to make that really have nothing to do with you, why does one feel so guilty? Why do you twist the situation to be so self-centered and selfish as to think that it's all your fault because your gay?

If you weren't so gay, maybe you'd have loved him better and been there for him, but you couldn't, or worse, wouldn't when he needed you, because you were so caught up in your own self-reflection. Where were you when he really just needed a father to love, to talk to, to share with, to have fun?

If you weren't so gay, maybe she'd have felt the love that she needed from her father and wouldn't have become so depressed, despondent, deluded.

If you weren't so gay, maybe you'd have loved her better, been a better companion and help-meet, someone who really is a partner for eternity who loves and knows how to love - but because you're gay, well... there really is just a facade - a house of cards - and sooner or later it just takes a little instability, a little lateral shear force and the whole incredible structure collapses into a heap of ruin...

Sure, you're the great provider - the one thing you do well - you "provide" for everyone, making sure all is taken care of and needs are being met - at least physical needs. But what about the other needs? The needs that make a person whole and complete without the need for anti-depressants and other stimuli to get by?

But this really isn't about you - you just twist it to think that it is. Your self-reflective, self-absorbed life leads you to think of it in no other terms. It must be about you. You're the problem.

Otherwise, why hasn't all that you've tried to do in "doing what's right" and staying on the "right" side of the line, and doing all that you're supposed to - keeping yourself from yourself, not revealing the authentic you because this other "you" is the "better" you that you believe you should be - why hasn't that paid dividends in helping those around you? Why are they hurting so much, feeling so much pain, suffering the loneliness and heartaches of lost hope, depression, and I-just-don't-care-anymore-isms?

It must be because of you, right? You and your totally screwed up, lie-filled, house-of-cards, unauthentic, incapable-of-love, anger-induced life!

There you go again - you're making it all about YOU again! You self-centered no-good!

So the "D" word comes up... you talk about divorce, and the inevitability of it all. Yeah, you're certainly a good provider, but that's about it. You're incapable of love because you don't know how and never will.

Maybe you don't and won't because you can't first love yourself enough to forget about it all and just let it all go. If you weren't so gay you wouldn't be so self-reflective and you'd be able to see the pain of others in the mirror instead of just your own, and what that pain must have inflicted on them. But because of the way you can't see past your own image of pain, you cannot see how to really forget yourself, forgive yourself, and begin to see others, know their own personal pain and grief, and forgive them, and extend mercy where mercy has been extended in abundance to you.

But, of course, it sucks to be you and because you are who you are, you'll never get to that point...

Yeah, life is hard. It doesn't have to be this way, but, it is...

Any suggestions?

Open question to anyone reading this:

Have you ever wished that if you were in charge, you'd just once wish that the conversation of a lesson would be on "fill-in-the-blank" subject?

If you were in a position to teach the 5th Sunday lesson of the combined Priesthood and Relief Society, and the Bishop was scheduled to be out of town, and he's turned it over to you, leaving the subject matter completely open and unstructured, entrusting you with that task, what would you teach?

With the amount of lessons recently centered on "chastity", "family values" and "marriage", reaching a saturation point (to the point of driving faithful single sisters away from church literally in tears, there must be something that is more of worth for the adult population of a very large and established (read mainstream Utah) ward to discuss.

This is your chance! No chains of sanitized curriculum! No mandated subject matter from higher authorities! Fling the door wide open and throw away the key! It should, however, be faith-based and faith-reinforcing...

Any suggestions?

Why are some relationships eternal?

We met 31 years ago this month. It doesn't seem as long ago as that sounds. We hit it off immediately. I was smitten completely. And the surprising thing was, I had never been so smitten by anyone in that way before. I was confused. I was uncertain of my emotions, and yet I felt deeply an attachment that went way beyond the norm.

We ended up working together that school year, which brought us together every day. And what followed was a natural budding friendship which grew into something much, much more. We had so much in common and shared the same passion for so many things. This friendship blossomed into love - and at first and we became scared, and I was even more confused than before. But then, in time, we came back together, drawn together in a connection that even our confusion and fear could not break.

We became inseparable. We became a couple. There was talk. Roommates speculated as to what was going on between us. Could it be? Were we really in love? Indeed we were, and a few months later we were engaged and then married. That was 30 years ago this last week!

That may seem an eternity to some that may read this. Others may not comprehend how we could have stayed married these three decades. To be honest, there were times when I, myself could not comprehend it either. It is a miracle that we did get married, particularly with my homosexuality always hanging around and never going away, and even a bigger miracle that we have stayed married.

To say that it has been all bliss and roses and beautiful memories would be untruthful. To say that it has been horrific and painful and depressing would also be untruthful. In these last 30 years, there have been many moments of all of the above. The heartache and coming to terms with "deeply hidden secrets" and coming to terms with myself so very late in life, has taken its toll indeed on our relationship. Since coming out to her, we have never been the same. It is true when they say that you can't take it back once it is "out" there. It's like that toothpaste that has already been squeezed out of the tube... it gets messy trying to deny any longer or take anything back.

And so we've moved on. The continuing miracle is that we have moved on together, side by side. Though there is a long road ahead with many bumps of understanding to go through, we are still willing to go along together and make this work despite it all. And we have become stronger and our relationship, nearly dead... no, more like extinct... seven years ago, is now vibrant and alive and blooming. I wouldn't say it is thriving, but it is very much a living union of love.

Is there still hurt and pain, confusion and grief? Of course. For us, this has taken a lifetime to get to this point and will require another lifetime to come to figure it all out for certain. But this I do know: I am better because of her. I am a better man, a better father, a better husband. She makes me smile. She fills my heart in no way that any other woman has. She is my partner, my companion, my best friend, and yes, within these last years, she has become my lover. We had stopped intimacy for nearly 20 years and this nearly killed her, and it gave me relief. But now, we are happily imperfect lovers again.


This last weekend we slipped away to celebrate this indescribably complicated life that has been our journey together. Despite my occasional bromances, my desires for love and a soul-binding and physical and emotional relationship with another man, despite even my most recent encounter with my friend mentioned in the last post, despite all the blogging, all the MOHO friendships and possible connections with fellow men who understand me and me them, despite all that I say or wish or do within these electronic pages, I am left with the conviction that I need to be who I am - the real me - the one that she still loves, at her side...

For it is, indeed, a beautiful thing!

Why do some friendships never die?

We met eight years ago by chance in Southern Utah. There was instant chemistry. We spoke the same language, shared the same height and eyes and hair color and smile. He, a dozen years younger, not decades. An unexplained and unexpected bonding followed. Long distance friendships are hard enough to maintain, but from just a once-in-a-lifetime chance meeting of two souls meeting on a red rock cliff admiring the same view for just a moment together... could there be a hope for a lasting friendship?

Emails shared, common connections expanded. Was this to be something more? Is there destiny after all?

Christmas gifts... then 5 years later a visit with hugs and kisses. What was happening?

More emails... work opportunities, followed by my visiting him a few months ago at his house across the pond on the other side of the planet... meeting his family, breaking bread, sharing together his town, walking the streets hand-in-hand, kissing in that oh-so-European way.


And then last week he came to my town. Walking hand-in-hand here in Utah, hugging, and kissing in that oh-so-European way! I didn't care who saw or what others thought. He was here. He was with me. We shared a bonding that keeps increasing. And now he is gone again.

I allow this pattern to occur in my life. I can't have what I want except with these little glimpses of "what if" sprinkled every now and again along the way.

And yet I can't help but think... why did we meet? Why did this meeting not die like so many others do? Why, instead, does it continue to get stronger? What's the point? What is in this connection that makes this bonding grow, even with 10,000 miles between us?

Sigh...

The story of my life... fleeting bromantic friendships that though real, powerful and beautiful, are fleeting and fruitless... and beautiful!

When the belief is gone...

In the parable of the Prodigal Son, it was recently pointed out to me how the son demanding his inheritance while his father was still alive, was wishing that his father were literally dead. Despite that ill-will being wished upon him from his son, the father went ahead and gave his son his portion and he took his leave of all that his father had offered him.

I have been pondering this and can't get over the ability of this father to go ahead and let his son go. How does a parent do that? How does a father watch his son walk away, turning his back on his father and all that he stands for and believes?

And yet, that same father stands "watch" ever looking for the return of that son. It was the father who was doing that very thing, being the first to "run" to him and fall upon him at his return, symbolizing that he had never given up on that son no matter how terminal their relationship seemed to others.

I am entering a similar situation, and I don't know that I'm as loving as this scriptural father. I keep asking myself how this situation has become mine. Where did it come from? Why does a child no longer cherish or honor that which we believe as a family and what we believe we are eternally? How does a parent act when a child demands no part of the family, disrespects his mother and father, and moves forward on distancing himself from all that has to do with family, church, and all that goes with both?

I have gone through a lot of self-doubt, angst, and pain regarding my sexual orientation and all that that has brought into my marriage, my family, and my belief system. It has been a lonely journey, filled with guilt, confusion and doubt. But, I find myself coming out on the other end of this journey with self-acceptance, clarity and belief.

So, if I can make it through this journey, keeping my family together, and marriage even stronger, how now can I watch a child despise all that I am and believe and wish nothing more to do with what I hold sacred, and want to walk away, his inheritance in his pocket?

How does one respond to this? Can I "love" unconditionally as the Prodigal Son's father, always looking on the horizon for his return? Can I "never give up hope" when things seem so hopeless? Can I just watch this happen and not do anything about it? Should I force him to stay, to love us, to participate in church, to believe? Can anyone force another to believe when belief is gone and not even any desire remains? How do you restore a desire in one's heart when there is none? Is that proverbial flame ever fully snuffed out? extinguished? Why do I feel myself all of a sudden becoming a mighty fan of that pre-mortal alternate plan where I will "make him" obey and bring him back safe and sound in the end under my patriarchal wing whether he wants to be there or not?

Am I just proud, angry at how this is reflecting on me?

Do I love him enough to let him go?

I know this gay-gig has had belief-shattering and hope-struggling moments, but this new chapter(that I know many readers have gone through)has me shattering and struggling all over again...

Any advice?

The hunger that never goes away...

Reading Invictus' last post really got to me... The idea of being hungry, of the desire and longing that doesn't goes away. Sure, that's part of the human experience and it's just part of life.

I know personally of others here who feel strongly otherwise, but I've done well, I feel, in controlling my appetite and managing my hunger. I've been able to find a path that keeps things in balance for the most part, I've been able to build a family, career and fairly nice and respectable life, a happy life full of fulfillment and good will,and yet...

as much as I try to do what I believe is right and true and best for me and for my loved ones, as much as I try to serve and give and please others, as much as I try to stay in balance, and work hard and long and stay busy doing good things, as much as I give of my "time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed me or may bless me", as much as I strive to repent and endure to the end...

as much as I do all of the above (and as much as my wife hopes and wishes and prays for it to diminish)...

I just wanted to testify once and for all of one truth...

that that longing, that desire, as much as I try to control or manage, or overcompensate in other good things, NEVER, EVER GOES AWAY!


Will it ever?

Finding Balance...

It's been a while since I've blogged... I guess I'm allowing myself to get out of the habit of blogging. I've even allowed my bloggiverary to pass by without comment. It's been over five years now since I started this on-line journal. 2006 seems like a lifetime ago! How totally different this community was five years ago... so many have come and gone. Some things have changed with me; many things are the same - but both are mostly the way they are by choice, and being content with my choices has been a good development.


Being seriously busy with work and life has kept me from concentrating too much on other "aspects" of my life. It's like I get into these modes where I allow one part of my life to overrun all others. Right now it is the pressure of work that is running the show, dictating almost all else that is going on, even the drama and dilemmas facing my family. The "gay" hasn't diminished, but has become more manageable - not sure whether that is good or bad. That's proven to work for a while, but then it tends to catch up - funny how it finds a way to seek its own equilibrium whether I desire it to do so or not. Before I would describe this phenomenon as a volcano ready to erupt inside me with angst boiling to the surface. Lately it's been a mild rumble stirring below the surface. Someday I'm sure there will be another eruption - it's a bit dormant verses extinct - I'm just not sure when or with what form it will take... but I'm sure there will be more to blog about when (not if) it does...

Meanwhile,


I'm still not sure if coming out to my kids was a good idea or not. Neither wants to discuss it, and neither has become "closer" to me, though I haven't sensed any drastic pulling away either... maybe it's finding its own equilibrium as well. I'm trying to show that I'm not any different and hope they sense no difference from me.

With work taking me on the road a lot, my marriage suffers and I have to remember to rebond with my wife when I return home, even if it isn't the natural thing to do. I miss her, but not in the form of the movie-cliche of rushing home to her awaiting arms and swallowing her whole. Yeah, it's still work, but dancing in the kitchen, cuddling, and just talking through the stress of the family brings us together again.


Balancing! Someday I hope to obtain it. It's what life is all about - hopefully I can keep myself from turning into knots in the process...