Be Still My Soul...

I wanted to be touched by something during conference. Instead, I found from one session to the other, that it was the same ol' thing and I found myself getting more and more cynical as each session passed. I mean, was it just me, or did President Hinckley appear, and even say, that he's tired and ready to call it quits... even the rededicatory prayer lacked "umph" and punch of one excited with the spirit for such an "historic" occasion. It just seemed lethargic. Maybe it's my spirit that is lethargic.

From spiritual vertigo to being clean, from divorce resulting from a lack of repentance (change) for either or both parties, to the miracle of Joseph Smith and the restoration, it's all the same... though, I must admit, I did enjoy the imagery of the point-of-safe-return (verses point-of-no-return) where we always have the HOPE of the Savior in our lives, no matter how far we've traveled away from Him - that there always is a point-of-safe-return!

I sat in the front of Priesthood Session in our Stake Center with my son, praying for him to be touched - and wondering how I could expect such a thing when I was so "untouched". Obviously, my soul was troubled and I prayed for it to be at peace, to sense some calm, to be touched in some way. The talks brought memories of familiarity to my spirit, but not the still small voice that I sought. I was finding myself more and more cynical as the session proceeded and desperately fought such feelings, trying to have some sense of peace.

And then it came... it was during the closing hymn of the Priesthood Session. The BYU combined men's choir sang A Capella and the spirit started burning in my heart. My soul was stilled... I was completely overcome. I started crying, weeping tears down my cheeks. Thank goodness the lights were dimmed. I tried to stay controlled but my emotions got the best of me. I was overcome with spiritual assurance that peace will come, that my heart is still soft, not totally rock-hard, and that there is a peace and hope for ME personally. I was touched in a very unique way. It wasn't through anything anyone said. It was through the solemn, amazing message through that perfect music. It spoke to my soul in a way that I won't soon forget - though I'm sure eventually I will, and will need to be reminded again.

My troubled, conflicted, struggling, cynical gay heart was touched. My soul was stilled... It's been a long time... but I finally felt something!

Which side of the line?

With the change of seasons also comes General Conference. It's in the air in Utah. It's on the commercials where absolutely disgustingly gaggy ads for local bookstores peddling equally gaggy and disgusting "new reads"abound. I guess it's just part of the culture of living here along the Wasatch Front.

Mission reunions are advertised in the paper and discussed at the water cooler. I've never understood mission reunions. I've attended a few. All of the close companions and friends I really want to see again are never there, but the other guys that you hope never to ever see again are always there - d'you know what I mean? My neighbor next door still goes every conference to his reunion and helps in organizing it as well. I just don't get it! What am I missing here? My mission presidents are both dead - been that way for years... they were way old when I was on a mission and that was a couple of decades ago...

Maybe we should have a MOHO Bloggers Reunion of all those within a driving distance of SLC. What do you think? It could be quite interesting - especially since the majority of us would be wearing a sack over our heads in hopes of maintaining our vain attempts of anonymity...

So conference comes and with it comes the hope of some "great announcement" of some kind from the Prophet (maybe a temple in Rome?). I don't want a "great announcement" of any kind - I just want a sense of peace, a bit of enlightenment, a reminder of how I can work to do better... that's it. That's enough, really. I mean, if I really did do something a bit better with my life each six months and stopped whining about how unfair my situation is, it really would be something!

In reality, I bet we will hear something along these lines:

There are two influences ever present in the world. One is constructive and elevating and comes from our Heavenly Father; the other is destructive and debasing and comes from Lucifer. We have our agency and make our own choice in life subject to these unseen powers. There is a division line well defined that separates the Lord's territory from Lucifer's. If we live on the Lord's side of the line Lucifer cannot come there to influence us, but if we cross the line into his territory we are in his power. By keeping the commandments of the Lord we are safe on His side of the line, but if we disobey His teachings we voluntarily cross into the zone of temptation and invite the destruction that is ever present there. Knowing this, how anxious we should always be to live on the Lord's side of the line".

-- George Albert Smith, 1935.

True religion is pretty much that clear. There is a line drawn in that proverbial sand. Things are black and white, whether we wish them to be in a rainbow of color, want them to be more inclusive, desire them to be otherwise. We as MOHOs can wish for things to change, want that the Prophet give us clearer direction on SGA / gay issues, or desire that there be more understanding - but bottom line - the Church is always going to be black-and-white in where it stands (and rightfully so), just as stated in this quote from over 70 years ago!

So, I don't expect the Prophet this weekend to be much different now that 70 years have passed from the time of this quote. Some things don't change. Consistency, just like the "North Star" - that's the name of the game...

It always comes down to which side of the line we choose to be on...

Popcorn...

I looked out the window and
what did I see?
Popcorn popping
on the Apricot tree...

It has been such a beautiful day today. I've got spring fever! I really don't want to work. I can't concentrate on my job. I spent a good chunk of the day already pruning trees and bushes, washing the car, soaking in the sun - a pretty amazing day in March in Utah - even though I have so many projects to finish designing.

The apricot tree is in full bloom. The blossoms caught the light and they glistened with vibrant white against the crisp blue sky. I had to get my camera... It was a magical moment.

Spring brings feelings of restlessness. I want to get out. I want to travel. I want to go away and discover new things and new places. I want to go back to old places and rediscover fond memories. I have an itch to not be where I am.

Speaking of itching, spring brings allergies and sneezing! And with gusto!

Spring brings new life... the garden is literally bursting out with signs of life - some prematurely as I know a snow storm or two are still on the horizon.

No real gay theme here - but I guess that's okay - there will be plenty of time for that, but not today - it's too beautiful to destroy with more thoughts of angst.

Happy Spring!

A quote overheard at Church...

Sometimes you hear something at Church and you just can't forget it. This is one of those times...

"DON'T CONFUSE OPEN MINDEDNESS WITH A HOLE IN THE HEAD..."

I'm working with a couple who are struggling with their faith. They are really working hard and trying to be open to a new way of thinking. They seem to want to believe only if it can be "proven" to them. They are closed to ideas that require faith, and exercising faith to believe, though I see a hope and desire in their eyes to want to open that door in their minds of believing. They want to hang their faith and rely on scientific proof. I struggle with scientific proof being the source of my faith. What I hear reported in the news as "fact" by one group of researchers on one day is countered by another "fact" by another group on another day. Where is the foundation of truth in that?

I hear of my need to find my "authentic" self by some in the homosexual community, that I will be only happy when I am authentic with my true self. I struggle with this concept of authenticity just as much as my friends are struggling with their faith, particularly when authenticity contradicts that faith of what I "know" to personally be true. Is that closed-mindedness on my part?

I may have a hole in my head, and just don't know it, but being open to faith, to the spirit requires open mindedness.

Hiding reality...

Why, if this MOHO queerosphere is so caring and helpful, is no one hitting me on the back of the head telling me to wake up and get over certain things in my life? Why is no one helping me to see how dishonest my life is? Why is no one pointing out my cheating heart and deception?

I'm so frustrated with myself... I need someone to really give me a good slap!

***

We rented the movie "The Prestige" the other night. I recommend it highly. Without giving away too much, the movie centers, among other things, on a theme of "duplicity", particularly in a marital relationship. There are certain half-truths being shared, but never the full honesty in the relationship (is that vague enough?).

Anyway, I watched the movie first with my teenage son and we both really liked the magic, the mystery, the intrigue of the story and its presentation. So, I was anxious to share it with my wife and she and I watched it together the next night. Her reaction was quite different than mine had been as I watched it the first time with my son. Instead of the mystery and intrigue, she noted the duplicity, the cheating, the deceit in the marriage of one of the main characters - and how he had proven that he did not love his wife because he did not tell her the truth and kept secrets from her.

"If he really loved her, he would have told her!" she declared emphatically with a kind of personal sting.

"But, then, there wouldn't have been a movie," I countered, not understanding why she hadn't seen that the story was centered on him keeping secrets and living a double life...

And then it came down on my like a slap in the face - I'm living a double life. I continue to have duplicity in my life... I am dishonest with her as I allow myself to be caught up in things that would only hurt her if she really knew - including my "continued" feelings for Tim, and including even this blog - which remains a secret to her.

Yes, she knows. Deep down she knows that I am not completely hers, that I have a wandering eye for guys, that I would rather be with guys, etc... And I hide from her my "encounters" with Tim (though they are pretty open - even in the church parking lot) and this blog - because, as I excuse myself - "I don't want to hurt you!"

Deception destroyed many lives in that movie... all for the sake of hurting others, or NOT hurting others. I think she was trying to tell me that I'm still hurting her. I don't want to be deceptive... and yet I am. I still keep secrets. I keep lots of secrets... I'm tired of hiding reality, but I'm not willing to fully come out in the open in all things - so I continue to live duplicitously.

What a hell I've created...

Back in my angst...

Okay... so maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought. It's been a good couple of weeks... things in control.

And then He comes back to town. He didn't tell me he was coming. I purposely avoided him at Church. I left immediately after the block, but had to come back. I thought maybe he'd be gone so I wouldn't have to see him - the "distance" thing. This was going to work out. I was going to be okay... But, in the back of my mind (or maybe in front of it - was I really praying in the car to still bump into him?) I hoped, that he had been detained and that just by chance he'd still be there - somewhere - just so that I could say "hi".

As I pulled back into the parking lot, I caught a glimpse of him. I pulled my car behind his so he couldn't get out. When he noticed me he jumped out enthusiastically, a huge, cute smile on his face.

"Whatssup?" he grinned.

"Nothing..." I didn't know what to say, my stomach aching for him.

"Aren't you going to get out of the car and give me a big hug, or am I going to have to pull you out?" he teased.

"You don't want another one of those from me!" I countered.

"That's why I came home..." he said slyly.

He pulled me out of the car and we fell into each other's arms. We melted together right there in the church parking lot. I fell into his neck and I kissed him and snuggled into him. He held me tight... for quite some time.

"Are you okay?" I finally whispered.

"Yeah, I'm great!" he said softly, still embracing me strongly with his long arms wrapped completely around me.

Then, a priesthood leader slowly drove by - his window rolled down... "I worry about you two!" he shouted toward us. "Tim, you need to get a girlfriend!"

We broke our hug and chuckled a bit nervously. What did that comment mean, I wondered?

I began to get nervous... I had to go. I wanted to stay in his arms, but I had to go. I wanted to look at him, talk to him, feel him... but the internal fight didn't allow me to be "me" enough to stay... I kept thinking about my wife coming out of the parking lot and saying the same thing...

I hate this!

-L- spoke of duplicity. My life is a joke! It's full of false pretenses and duplicities... more later.

I'm back in my angst... :)

Distance...

I've been doing pretty well lately... even contemplating that I don't have much more to say in this blog. Maybe it's time to move on? I have a list of subjects I want to discuss, and maybe I still will, but somehow they don't seem as pressing as they once were. Is that a good thing? I don't know... I've used this blog to "come out" in ways that I can't otherwise. It's been very therapeutic... I hope for the best.

I once used "angst" in my blog title. I've removed that word as I don't feel the "angst" nearly as much. Yes, I'm still a schizophrenic, cynical, psychopath full of confused emotions "unauthenticated" and "unable to be honest with my TRUE self" crappola... as same may want to suggest - but I'm feeling less "angst" all the same.

It's been fun watching the growth and change of the MOHO queerosphere bloggers over time. I enjoy this cyber association of caring individuals - really total strangers - that become very committed and engaged in each other's lives. It's a fascinating phenomenon - one I didn't really expect, but now treasure. There is a real humanity out there and it's amazing to see it spread. But there is safe distance in blogging. There is intimacy and vulnerability and anonymity that allows me to say and share things I never would say or share otherwise.

I wish I could reach out and give a hug, or slap you in the head! Words do it, too, even more intimately - but still they are just distant words (as heartfelt as they may be) through this keyboard.

* * *

In my profession, I design things... Sometimes I get caught up in the details, the connections, the relationships of the things I'm designing that I lose perspective. The only way to gain that perspective back is to step away, to establish some distance, to step back and look at what I'm doing, what I'm designing and create a new view... And then comes enlightenment (I hope).

* * *

Tim called me this week and then wrote me a letter. He shared some dear thoughts with me. He still "loves me". I still "love him". We have a very unique funny relationship. There is a bond that is hard to describe. I've been doing well regarding placing perspective in our relationship - I think the distance has been good - giving me time to reflect, to relax a bit, to not be so stressed about my gay feelings. I wish it didn't have to be distance that defines the scope of our relationships. But even hearing his voice, reading his words, just his words - makes me weak at the knees. That's a good sign. I know I still love him in amazing emotional, spiritual brotherhood ways. And I like that I still do. Distance has been good...

* * *

My wife and I are planning escapes where we can get away and find each other again. If I don't plan intimacy (as sick as that may sound) it doesn't happen. The chaos, the stress, the confusion, the noise and clutter of life interferes... teenagers running around everywhere and with their tribes of friends - it's life... but we've got to get away more frequently, to keep the juices flowing.

There has been too much distance in our marriage. I've allowed it to nearly die in my obsession of longing for a man. I'm working through this... I don't know that I will ever be through this, but I feel a peace in where I'm going...

We are scheming in a real sense about establishing a romantic hide-away far from home once our teens are young adults - establishing some temporary distance from family and everyday life, so that we can be free to reconnect.

* * *

It's funny when I think about my relationship with my parents. We do better with a bit of distance between us. The phone calls and visits become more meaningful, more heart-felt. When we are on top of each other there is criticism and anger. The distance softens the harsh realities of our differences.

* * *

The Lord uses distance in our relationship with Him as well... That distance creates longing, seeking, searching, trying, faith. It sometimes creates loneliness, anxiety, forgetfulness, doubt. How we deal with the distance is part of the test. I know that feelings, warmth, and intimacy can come through that distant communication and rekindled remembrances...

All of this seems contrary to what one would think. I seek intimacy! No one is more "touchy-feely" than I am... I want to touch, to feel, to "know" another in my relationships. I want "close" friendships. Closeness is essential to my existence. I seek and crave closeness. But sometimes, putting distance into the relationship (bloggers, friends, wife, family, even God) allows for breathing room, adds perspective and increases affection, and strengthens remembrances and fortifies bonding ties. It is very counter-intuitve...

If used to its proper advantage, Distance can be good...