2nd Anniversary!

It's now been two years since...

* Since my wife confronted me once and for all and I spilled it all and came "out" to her in a complete confession of SSA feelings of a lifetime. In the most difficult moment of our marriage, I told her with no doubt that I was GAY! (NOTE: I had come "out" to myself in no uncertain terms about six months earlier - after years and years of fighting and refusing to realize my reality as I realized I had a major problem as I allowed myself to fall in love with "Will" - an amazing guy that was becoming in me more than just an amazing guy friend...)

* Since my wife went into a deep depression. This news to her was not really news. It was more a confirmation of years of doubt, confusion, speculation about these feelings inside me. It was just the fact that I had admitted it to her with no doubt is what brought the beginning of the end of our relationship (or so I thought). I knew in coming "out" that I risked the end of our marriage, the breakup of our family, and the hope for any chance of eternity.

* Since anger, disgust, hurt, unworthiness, pain, heartache, lost time, lost opportunity entered in earnest in our marriage. I wanted to take it all back - but I couldn't. And she knew it. She just didn't want to believe it was true. Once coming "out" is out, there is no way to say "oh... I was just kidding, sorry!".

* Since a miracle happened where her heart softened toward me - in time - and we began a slow process of restoring what brought us together in the first place - that we really were in love with each other - and that she was in love with a gay man - and that was who I was. This after much distance, healing, and hard work to restore what was lost. The sham that had become our marriage had a reason... now it was up to us to decide if this would remain a sham or the real thing.

* Since we began a journey or rediscovery in passion, sexuality, commitment.

I have tried to seal my soul to her since then. (I know my blog chronicles the opposite). I have failed miserably. I've walked the fine line. I've pushed myself to the edge. I've desired to cross over the line with all my heart. I've wanted to be swept away from it all.

I've allowed myself to still "love" Will and now to emotionally and romantically "fall in love" with Tim, knowing they can't offer more than just very close, very intimate friendship. I've dreamed of it being more. I've desired romance. And thus, I continue to bring pain, heartache and confusion with my wife.

She knows that in some ways I haven't changed. She'd tried to "change" me thinking increased romance and marital sexuality would click something in my brain and I would be different - I would desire her more, I would desire guys less. But now, after two years, she knows that isn't going to happen... and she blames herself.

In many ways, we have become closer, more romantic, more committed as we've worked together on this relationship now that the issue is "out" in the open between us. We've made good progress and there is hope and purpose for staying together. She's seen me stop my daily contact with my "friends", the hanging out, etc. but in the process she's realized that this limitation of contact has made my feelings for HIM even stronger. My heart ACHES for him! She sees it in my eyes. She sees it in his eyes. She knows that I love him. I know I've made her heart ACHE as she's caught us together in each other's arms...

And so, on this 2nd anniversary, she cries into her pillow. She relives the pain and anguish thrust upon her with this revelation. As much as she "knew", she's still in denial. She still can't believe that she has been married to such a jerk as I am now for over two decades... And so she endures, she hangs on, she hopes for a better tomorrow.

We cuddle. I try to comfort her. She sobs. There isn't much I can do. She knows I'm not totally hers. But she is totally mine. It isn't fair to her. I recognize the unfairness of this situation. I don't want it to be this way (or do I - in many ways I am the jerk that wants the traditional husband/wife eternal marriage while having my guy-love on the side. What's wrong with this picture? I've allowed myself to attempt to live this deceptive lifestyle - it's a lie - I can't have it both ways - it's too much work!)

At least she allows me to cuddle.

She's a saint. I'm a cad.

I know there is a reason for holding on if we both want it. I'm not sure what I want any more...

KB reminds me of my covenants. Yes - my covenants... those covenants are what have kept us together more than anything else. But, have I kept them, truly kept them in the sense of any meaning "beyond this life" with blessings of eternity to come - IF I really am not sealed to her in my heart and desire so much for an intimate male relationship??? Though I have never physically crossed the line of extramarital sexual relations - I have within my thoughts, dreams, passions and desires of my heart. As a man thinketh, so is he, right? So what am I but a liar, two-timer, cheater and jerk.

In the fireside to the youth of the church on Sunday (New Year's Eve) at the Conference Center, the Prophet stated: "Choose to be wise and happy... or stupid and miserable."

I've been a bit of all of the above. I've wondered... was it really the right thing to come "out" to her? Was it wise to reveal such internal thoughts and anguish to her? From this wisdom, has happiness come? Or was it stupid and we are now just miserable - hanging on... hanging onto a false hope?

I don't know. I think it has been good to be "out" to her... we've been able to put a name to it and to recognize it is real and a part of us (for good or bad), and that we still love each other despite it all and still want to be together after all... But two years later, there is still a lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of tears, a lot of misery. Maybe it wasn't so wise!!!!

Help...

Cycle of Attraction...

My life is going in circles and I don' t seem to be progressing anywhere fast. There seems to be a cycle of attraction, through a common pattern...

My thoughts go back to a Dec 31st many years ago when I was an MTC teacher (pre-marriage days). I had recently returned from my mission the summer before. I loved teaching the missionaries. It was as if I attended BYU in order to teach at the MTC instead of teach at the MTC as a job to go to school at BYU. My priorities were all messed up. I lived at the MTC. It was the only place where I was truly happy. I hated the "real world". At the MTC I could make my reality. At this time, I had become so extremely attached and attracted to a particular missionary that I hardly could breathe when I was around him. He was my every thought. At this time in my life I did not believe or even acknowledge that I was gay (that came years later as those of you know who are following along) - no at this time, I was caught up in the spirit of the "brotherhood" and my longing for male companionship.

During my one and only post-mission / pre-Christmas holidays I spent at home with my parents, I was a true jerk. I didn't want to be with them. They didn't know what was going on inside me. Heck, I didn't even know what was going on inside me. All I knew was that I loved this particular missionary - body and soul - and I was miserable thinking about him leaving on his mission. I remember he made me a tape of a song he had written for me and I remember sulking in my room away from my parents playing it over and over again crying myself to sleep. My mom tried to figure me out but I'm sure I put up enough road blocks that she even gave up on me.

I remember meeting two departing districts at the SLC Airport in route to their missions. One district left before the fog rolled in but HIS district (of just three elders) stayed most of the day waiting for the fog to lift enough to take off. I remember holding him in my arms for hours in the airport quietly talking, caressing each other in the bonds of "romance" I had created for myself. I remember weeping openly after seeing him board the plane. I didn't care what others may of thought of me that day. I was "in love". I still can feel the emotion of that New Year's Eve.

* * * *

Fast forward to yesterday - and the cycle of my life continues.

Several of "my" young men (now post-mission college students) had returned home for the holidays from their respective universities. It was so much fun seeing them again. It was like a line-up of greeting good ol' Beck with a warm holiday hug. It felt good to know that the years had been kind and we still had something between us. Some hugs were quick but heart-felt, others more distant, and some very affectionate. I started analyzing the differences and attaching meaning to the physical contact we had with each other.

Of course, I came to the conclusion that my feelings for Tim were the strongest they had ever been. He sat with me at the back of Priesthood / RS combined lesson and I had my arm around him. I felt so warm and good inside. I wanted him to be there always. I noticed my daughter came in late and though we made eye-contact, she did not come sit with me, but chose to stay on the other side of the chapel. (When I asked her later that day why she didn't come sit with me, she said in a very snide and sharp tone of disgust: "I didn't want to interrupt your lovefest with your boyfriend!" She said this around the dinner table that afternoon in front of the whole family - that got my wife's attention and she started inquiring what I had been doing, etc. Needless to say it was awkward at best and it made me realize for the first time that maybe I was overdoing the affection thing and it was bothering (even creeping out) my own daughter. Was I that obvious? Of course I try to be somewhat discrete, but it isn't easy when I'm not thinking "straight".

Anyway, advance forward to an incident after the Sunday School hour... The young man that began it all - meaning that began the realization within me finally that I was truly gay - had returned from college and found me alone in the hall. He is gorgeous and to this day is such a good friend. I will call him "Will". Will has been gone quite a while out of state to school and though we write emails back and forth, the passage of time has softened the strength of my attraction toward him. But, when I saw him in the hall, I fell into his awaiting arms (we have been huggers for years now). The funny thing was, though, as I fell into an embrace that the "magic" wasn't there. We both could tell that the special friendship and indebtedness was still there, but the "magic" was gone. This came as a huge revelation to me, as I had banked all my hopes and aspirations of a relationship around him. And though I see him as bringing me to the reality of myself more than anyone else, it just wasn't the same. Time had taken it's toll.

Now advance forward to after Sacrament Meeting. I was talking to the SS president and the HP group leader as nearly all of the congregation had gone home. My family had gone home in a separate car. It was then that I noticed that HE was waiting for me. When everyone was gone and we were essentially alone in the foyer, Tim grabbed me and we embraced romantically. It was like no other hugging scene from this very long hugging day. He wrapped his large hand around my head and pulled me toward him. I pressed my cheek to his. We rocked back and forth. I knew this was going to be it... he was going off to college. He was leaving me! It was the SLC Airport scene of two decades earlier all over again. I found myself emotionally and romantically and physically attached to a guy - a gorgeous, wonderful guy who loves me.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do without you," I whispered in his ear, still embracing him hard full body.

"Hey," he tried to calm me... "You made it through my mission without me being around, right?" he pulled back to smile and make close eye-contact, our faces just inches apart.

"Yeah, but that was different," I rebutted... "This time, you're going off to school and on to bigger and better things and time is going to rob me of you!"

We held hands for a moment. He hugged me again telling me that he would never allow that to happen. And then he left.

I know better. It won't be the same. And maybe that's a good thing... I've been a blubbering idiot since then, trying to hide (not this time from my Mom, but from my wife). I've allowed this cycle of emotional and romantic inclinations, of physical male bonding to ruin my life again, and again and again...

I know that as an outsider, I can hear some say: "Hey, Beck! Wake up! Do you see what you are doing? Think of this as a straight situation where you are carrying on so over another young woman! Do you see the absurdity of the situation? Smell the coffee burning, you moron!"

I know, I know... It's the same ol' cycle that has nearly ruined our marriage countless times. It is where I cannot find the way to seal my heart completely to her. As much as I try, and believe me I've tried, I can't do it. I get caught up in other guys and become attached when I shouldn't and then I begin to make associations of leaps of logic that just aren't real or practical and then I start "hurting" those that really are my true "family"... not this world of pretend.

Maybe it's for the best that Will has gone. Maybe it's for the best that Tim is going. Maybe it's for the best... For you see, at that moment yesterday, had he asked me to truly go with him (though I know he never would have or could have) I would have liked to have thought that I would go!

But here I sit, depressed for another holiday - contemplating the reality of my situation. I recently heard a statistic that only 5 to 10% of mixed-orientation marriages really last, that the pressures of these attractions finally win out. I've tried so hard to fight those odds. Over 20 years I've been fighting. I'm the "odd one out" of all odd ones... I'm still fighting but I don't feel like I'm winning. I feel like my heart has betrayed her. I feel unfaithful. I feel unworthy. I feel disloyal and dishonest. I feel like I'm cheating. And I know she knows. She woke up crying this morning... believe me I know!

But I don't know what to do about it. I'm caught in this endless cycle... If it isn't the departing missionary, it's Will. And if it isn't Will, it's Tim. And if it isn't Tim, then it will be someone else... It's a cycle - a pattern that I've allowed to happen to get my drug "fix" of male intimacy while being untrue to my wife.

Maybe some growth is finally happening this time around... Though my heart is breaking right now, I am at least recognizing what is going on. Will I learn from this and try to keep from allowing my heart to be so emotionally and romantically attracted to another guy in the future?

I doubt it.

I'm feeling like such a jerk right now.

What a way to start another year.

Happy New Year!

TANTI AUGURI

May you find hope and peace.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Music of the Season

Some thoughts on Christmas musical concerts:

1. A perfect Christmas Sacrament Meeting in Manhattan.

Attending Sacrament Meeting in Manhattan is like entering another world of church-going. The congregation was almost all 20-something young professionals / graduate students as couples or with small children. The ward choir had to be full of Juliard students or Broadway-level professionals, including concert pianists, celloists, violists, and French hornists... all perfect. It was so perfect, it was almost uncomfortable. I know that the individuals and choir performing were offering their best to the Lord (verses showing off for the glory of themselves - after all this was a Sacrament Meeting) but I was blown away and felt like I should applaud instead of meditate. Don't get me wrong - it was wonderful. I kept thinking of the Jimmy Stewart line in the classic Rear Window (I love that movie) when Grace Kelly (the hottest actress ever) prepares a perfect dinner for him in his wheelchair and he looks up at her in amazement and she wonders what's wrong and he says: "Leeza, it's perfect!" in a disgusted tone.

2. High School Orchestra concert.

Returning home, we attended the high school Orchestra Christmas concert. Now, there is something spiritual that happens when the physics of resonance all come together in perfect harmony - this wasn't one of those moments.:-) However, my daughter's solo was perfection personified (no bias from this father).

3. Tabernacle Choir with Sissel.

The spiritual perfection of a voice of an angel (the International Norwegian singer Sissel) blending with the Tabernacle Choir and Temple Square Orchestra in the Conference Center decked out in the holiday's best - was a spiritual inspiration. It was simply magic!

4. Our ward choir.

Singing in our ward choir has been an embarassment - not that I know how to sing, but that the piece we are performing on Sunday is heavy on a descant of high sopranos - and - well, um... let's just say that we need to encourage the choir director to not select pieces that have anything relying on the sopranos doing more than singing the melody... or not singing at all... (was that too mean?)

5. High School Show Choir concert.

Now this one was fun. My son is in a performing show choir for the high school. They show a lot of spunk and enthusiasm as they dance, wiggle, sing and perform non-stop in an engaging way for 90 minutes of fun!

Because my son had to stay behind after the choir to help the teacher with some behind-the-scenes activities, I remained sitting in the auditorium and watched the open affection of the high school students (performers and friends) who lingered after the concert. It was astounding to watch abundant hugging between girls, guys and girls, and especially guys and guys... a lot of guy-to-guy hugging, and hanging on each other as they'd talk with each other. I realized how much removed I am from their world - but it was fun to observe the open affectionate relationships many of the guys had with each other! I raked my memory bank trying to remember if I had had those guy-to-guy hanging-on-each-other experiences and I can't come up with any! Has it changed that much? What was going on here? Or am I just so consumed by guy-to-guy attention now that I focus in on it and see nothing but this?

My thoughts lingered on what it would be like had I been in high school in such an open display of guy-to-guy affection... I don't know if the world is changing or if I just hope that it is. More thoughts on this later.

Anyway, just some random thoughts - not very well connected... but all the same - part of the Music of the Season!

Side comment...

Just a little side comment is frustrating me to death...

We have dear close friends whose son is openly gay. Living in Utah, (or anywhere for that matter, I presume) as an active LDS family, this situation causes screened and careful conversation. We received their annual Christmas letter update and noted that their son had moved out of state for professional reasons of career advancements.

I stated it matter-of-factly to my wife and she said: "It's definitely for the best that he leaves Utah. It's better for all involved."

I looked at her and was stunned and even hurt. I know she meant well in stating that he would be happier in his life in another state and yet there was an implied "relief" on behalf of her feelings about what she perceived to be the feelings of our friends - even though they have never indicated in any way this uncomfortableness. In fact, they have demonstrated an amazing amout of pride and love for their son.

(NOTE: I know that now is the time to crack open the November Ensign and read the conference talk of Elder Bednar's on taking offense and that only one can choose to be offended, but...)

Her comment was not meant to be mean-spirited. After all these years together, I know her intentions were not to be discriminatory or hurtful, but they came off very sharp and to the point, implying (in her mind) that one who has a gay son in Utah is better off having that gay son move out of state to be "rid of the problem".

This has caused me to think about if I had been more open - would my parents, would my family, would my wife-to-be had wanted me to "get out of Utah" to be "rid of the problem" or the "embarrassment"?

I don't know why such an innocent comment of matter-of-fact delivery is causing me so much grief. I guess it's triggered the idea that after all that we have gone through, all the pain and anguish of working through these tough issues, she really doesn't understand me or my issues, and is content with our situation as long as I manage to be "under control" and "hidden". I have been in control for some time now, but it's always there and it's not going away and sometimes it's just barely under the surface... I just go Christmas shopping at the Mall this weekend and see displays of young guys in sexy jeans or watch the parade of men and I realize just how barely hidden it is...

And she has no concept of how hard I'm trying... or how hurtful simple nonchalant statements can be. It's made me at least contemplate that she doesn't have a clue what is going on inside me. I know comments may come back at me that - then, it's my fault for not giving her a clue - but it's not that easy and opening it up again is so painful... it's better to hide.

Or,

Maybe I should be the one to get out of Utah?

What is this world coming to?

What is this world coming to? A kinder and gentler NYC?

I recently spent time in Midtown Manhattan and was pleasantly surprised at a softer Big Apple... What's going on here? Even with the hustle and bustle of the holiday time, and the general increased stress of the season, I found crowds, police officers, bus drivers, subway attendants, etc. all courteous and helpful. In past trips, I must admit that my experiences have been less than hospitable.

I mean I took the ferry across the Hudson at Pier 79 several times and there was actually a greeter with maps and smiles, cheerfully giving assistance and helpful information where possible. I'm confused... so, what's happened? I took the wrong bus and had several passengers eager to help me correct my mistake and help me on my way, being sure that I made the right connection.

Between business commitments, I had a great time...seeing some amazing art museum exhibits at the MET, MoMA, Guggenheim, and, eating an incredible lamb and chicken gyro on 5th Avenue, ice skating at Bryant Park, gazing at the department store windows, riding the ancient wood escalator to the top of Maceys, hiking through the Rambles and climbing to the top of the Belvedere Castle in Central Park, listening to Mozart in the J.P. Morgan Library while following along with the original 18th C. score, zooming to the "Top of the Rock" at Rockerfeller Center and taking in the never ending vista of a crystal clear morning, engaging shoppers at Saks while being sprayed with French perfume, googling the jewelry at Tiffany's, being in awe of the architectural detail of the City Library Reading Room, parading through St. Patrick's Cathedral reverently paying respect at the Nativity display, engaging in animated conversation with dozens of Italians (from Italy on a holiday) in Italian - sharing impressions of the season and the city with them, and feeling the spirit in a perfect Sacrament Meeting at the Chapel at Lincoln Center.

I was supposed to take in a show on Broadway, having tickets in my possession of the hottest show in town, but confused the night of the performance, and ended up missing it all together - and I even didn't get upset. Now what's up with that?

I learned that you never stand on 42nd Street waiting for a bus or taxi when the Canadian north winds blow through the city - the wider cross street with tall buildings each side create a canyon magnification of that wind so that you freeze your butt off within 30 seconds! Thank goodness for glove and scarf street vendors!

I know I'm sounding like the country bumpkin / Utah hick that I am... but that's okay.

You know - I'm okay with that. I'm also okay with the fact that I saw many amazing-looking guys and I was able to handle it - such as: "look over there, Beck, at that young stud with gorgeous hair pulled back loosely into a perfect ponytail - you know, that guy staring at the Picasso painting"... and I would respond to myself "yeah, he's a beauty all right!" and not get all stressed and discombobulated inside.

You know... with NYC being kinder and gentler, even softer around the edges, and with Beck becoming okay with himself and with the gayness inside, handling feelings in stride - even with a sense of calm...

I have to ask:

What is this world coming to?

A new week...

It's funny how just a week goes by and everything changes... What I thought was a sound family life with happy kids, a shaky and questionable upcoming work opportunity situation that gave me tons of anxiety over the future, and unfavorable spiritual feelings of "not belonging" and isolation from the Holy Ghost - has changed to an unstable family situation with two children really suffering with emotional and other traumas, a new job opportunity for 2007 that can be huge and challenging (an opportunity that just landed in my lap like it fell right out of the sky), and a spiritual miracle with my calling and feeling the spirit again in my life.

Life is interesting that way. It can turn on a dime. It never is completely in place with all aspects perfectly arranged.

I don't know if I will ever feel completely at peace with my gay issues... that seems to always be slightly out of place. A look here, an attraction there, a fantasy inside. Yeah, that doesn't seem to change. More on that later...

It's a new week...