tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post5297743537181664175..comments2023-10-12T06:29:13.317-06:00Comments on Beck: Faking it...Beckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06159223254071653666noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-34563388294187048072011-01-18T17:53:22.055-07:002011-01-18T17:53:22.055-07:00CHARLOTTE: Thank you for reading and I appreciate...CHARLOTTE: Thank you for reading and I appreciate your complement. It means a lot. Sometimes I wonder if my ramblings are well written or just mindless gibberish nonsense. As Chester stated at the beginning of this comment trail, I may come acros as a "whiney bitch". I need to work on that.<br /><br />But as you point out, I'm trying to accomplish something on a perspective on "the other side of this story". To do so, I hide in order to be truly honest. I thank you for being able to see through this and understand my motives, and I appreciate your willingness to take a peek at this "other perspective".Beckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06159223254071653666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-2297386657851808992011-01-18T12:12:14.514-07:002011-01-18T12:12:14.514-07:00First, I love your blog. You are insightful, hone...First, I love your blog. You are insightful, honest, and a rather good writer. As a writer I have always thought that you don't have to tell the truth to be honest. If having an alias sets you free to be the "real you" while the other you keeps your life stable for your family, then so be it. I do the same thing.<br /><br />My husband turned out to be gay and I set him "free." I was the one that decided to leave and he has embraced the new lifestyle whole-heartedly although he says he still "loves" me. It makes me ache although I do not hate him. In fact I still love him and always will, but we both know that we were cheating ourselves and each other out of being loved "fully". I am so glad to hear some perspective from the other side of this story. Thank you!Charlotte Jhttp://www.life3dblog.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-42864171255280940792011-01-18T10:08:23.567-07:002011-01-18T10:08:23.567-07:00WYATT: Glad to see you're still around! I lo...WYATT: Glad to see you're still around! I love and will never, ever tire of reading your encouragement for me to live life more fully and learn to vibrate.Beckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06159223254071653666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-53184309159655884522011-01-18T00:15:05.232-07:002011-01-18T00:15:05.232-07:00“The spectrum of choice is always around you. Ther...“The spectrum of choice is always around you. There’s always the selection of excitement/love or panic/fear. How you define every situation that emerges tells you of your vibration. Be true to your own self to see how divine you are within that will project without."<br />— Brad JohnsonThe Lead Singerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01942164305867176886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-42323129670238808432011-01-03T09:37:07.822-07:002011-01-03T09:37:07.822-07:00MISTER CURIE: I love your comment. I want this t...MISTER CURIE: I love your comment. I want this to be about him and his timing and his seeking for his truth, and not about mine. All in due time and season... and that isn't a cop out. It is the way I feel it should go - I need to concentrate on him and not on me right now... and the message of unconditional love is at the foundation of it all.<br /><br />Thanks.Beckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06159223254071653666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-24642116807311439852011-01-03T09:34:42.073-07:002011-01-03T09:34:42.073-07:00GECKO: Thanks for your multiple posts. I hope yo...GECKO: Thanks for your multiple posts. I hope you understand I was rhetorical in my approach. Of course I feel that this love and bonding with a people he is serving is the most important part of his service. I know it was for me and it's that connectivity that I have taken with me from my mission.<br /><br />I agree that doubt can be good, and can be used to find personal truth. I feel this has been my slow by steady journey in facing my own reality. It takes doubt to question and those questions lead to answers. I don't mind the questioning, but I need to be able to help him (and me) see a way through the questioning to a result that is sustainable and not self-destructive.<br /><br />LIBELLULE: I know he's looking for an option that involves more service and more genuine welfare help and assistance verses raw teaching. He's always been more service oriented... and I seek ways to help me to do just that. I hope his mission president will sense that and be as understanding and flexible as yours was.<br /><br />ROBERT: I didn't know that the phrase came from AA. So thanks for the enlightenment. I took it from another blog... the concept is still there, that shouldn't be used in religious belief in its literal sense...<br /><br />but there is a concept of taking action and putting faith to work before real believing comes and discipleship follows.Beckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06159223254071653666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-85960872447660115732011-01-02T01:38:43.361-07:002011-01-02T01:38:43.361-07:00Wow alot of interesting and honest commentary here...Wow alot of interesting and honest commentary here. I want to say that the phrase "fake it till you make it" was co opted from AA. Very ironic. <br /><br />In AA, the phrase is meant toencourage newly sober alcoholics to follow the AA principles and attend meetings "as if" they believed everything even if they didn't. In time, they would come to see the truth about their addictions and "pull the cotton out of their ears" and start to heal.<br /><br /> I think it works for hard core addicts who cannot "get with a program" that could literally save their lives. In any other context, I think it sounds ridiculous. This phrase is for damaged folks only! Never intended to be used as a mantra for religious persuasion. Just another insight.roberthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01321061879065438857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-2833867277421729412011-01-01T07:41:00.746-07:002011-01-01T07:41:00.746-07:00and in my case (could this be an option for your s...and in my case (could this be an option for your son?): <br /><br />My mission president gave me the option to stay but to do it my way: basically he was allowing me to be the rebel but still love people. My first project was to investigate some information at a wonderful university center of archives to understand the local culture's religion. I then was able to develop a questionnaire that I distributed to a theology class at the local university to know what OTHERS thought about their relationship with God, I visited members, "inactives", helped where I could. When I was transferred to my last area, I regularly visited an inactive lady and did things with her, helped with the Red Cross' activities in a home for blind people ... this was my way of "finishing". When I came home I left the church.Libellulehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07633236721899345816noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-28778622529411254552011-01-01T07:40:09.554-07:002011-01-01T07:40:09.554-07:00Beck, If I may say something based on my own exper...Beck, If I may say something based on my own experience:<br />1) you are in conflict based on 1. how to answer your son who needs your advice seeing his doubts 2. knowing that the answer you could give would be hypocritical seeing the doubts you have<br /><br />I guess that I would say that it would only be hypocritical if you feel that you have to TELL him one way or another. Do you?<br /><br />When I was on my mission, I felt torn and fake (you can see poems on my blog about this). I finally told my mission president that I couldn't do it any more. I didn't want to wear a badge and be associated with the church; who was I to tell people that I was right and they were wrong which was against every fiber of my being. I want to share this story with you in case it may give you some ideas. My point is, I guess, to talk with your son and see why he would want to stay and how he could envision staying, and why he would be reluctant to go home and how he could envision returning. In the end, you cannot tell your son one thing or another because it is his decision, but maybe you can help him think through the process and understand his doubts. Someone very dear to me returned from a mission and it was the best thing that this person and their family together could have decided.<br /><br />I agree, that your gay issues and doubts are a side note. But if anything, perhaps your issues and doubts can enable you to be a better sounding board for your son and to help him through this hard time. <br /><br />Good luck!Libellulehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07633236721899345816noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-47095182320393644172011-01-01T07:39:23.583-07:002011-01-01T07:39:23.583-07:00Beck, If I may say something based on my own exper...Beck, If I may say something based on my own experience:<br />1) you are in conflict based on 1. how to answer your son who needs your advice seeing his doubts 2. knowing that the answer you could give would be hypocritical seeing the doubts you have<br /><br />I guess that I would say that it would only be hypocritical if you feel that you have to TELL him one way or another. Do you?<br /><br />When I was on my mission, I felt torn and fake (you can see poems on my blog about this). I finally told my mission president that I couldn't do it any more. I didn't want to wear a badge and be associated with the church; who was I to tell people that I was right and they were wrong which was against every fiber of my being. I want to share this story with you in case it may give you some ideas. My point is, I guess, to talk with your son and see why he would want to stay and how he could envision staying, and why he would be reluctant to go home and how he could envision returning. In the end, you cannot tell your son one thing or another because it is his decision, but maybe you can help him think through the process and understand his doubts. Someone very dear to me returned from a mission and it was the best thing that this person and their family together could have decided.<br /><br />In my case: My mission president gave me the option to stay but to do it my way: basically he was allowing me to be the rebel but still love people. My first project was to investigate some information at a wonderful university center of archives to understand the local culture's religion. I then was able to develop a questionnaire that I distributed to a theology class at the local university to know what OTHERS thought about their relationship with God, I visited members, "inactives", helped where I could. When I was transferred to my last area, I regularly visited an inactive lady and did things with her, helped with the Red Cross' activities in a home for blind people ... this was my way of "finishing". When I came home I left the church.<br /><br />I agree, that your gay issues and doubts are a side note. But if anything, perhaps your issues and doubts can enable you to be a better sounding board for your son and to help him through this hard time. <br /><br />Good luck!Libellulehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07633236721899345816noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-13055083677621109802010-12-31T20:04:43.983-07:002010-12-31T20:04:43.983-07:00Beck, please forgive the multiple postings--Blogge...Beck, please forgive the multiple postings--Blogger was giving me an error message that my comment was too large, so I kept trimming it down and refining it until I finally gave up! Please keep the version you like best and delete the extras!GeckoManhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04846438788253129899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-60458059792461586612010-12-31T17:55:01.144-07:002010-12-31T17:55:01.144-07:00Beck,
Happy New Year to you! I hope 2011 will be...Beck,<br />Happy New Year to you! I hope 2011 will be a year of meaningful events for you.<br /><br />A couple of thoughts: first, a reflection on your words--"All I can come up with is that I want him to find happiness in his service and find joy in his love for the people he is serving and to not worry about the rest. But that comes across as shallow and empty." Really? Why would you discount such advice as trite? These are universal and true sentiments of a thoughtful friend and parent. Maybe because we often hear these sorts of things, that it's just considered 'Lip Service.' However, if this is tendered along with the authenticity that others have aptly counseled, it is precisely the right message. It's the meat of doing the right things for the right reasons. Hopefully your son feels and knows of the power of God's love and he can center on that in his testimony of what is true.<br /><br />Secondly, I align with JGW and others that doubt is an element of genuine faith and integrity. There needs to be uncertainty, humility and not knowing it all, in order for us to pray and seek answers. I think when we don't doubt, don't endeavor to question and resolve, that we live in shallow and apathetic faith. Living with doubt is something any honest person has to learn how to cultivate. We can do this when it is coupled with hope. That is, we can have faith in promised blessings and eventual outcomes, and be willing to let the Lord reveal to us his mind and will in his time frame. I would encourage your son to embrace doubt, and when appropriate, he can teach others from his own experience, the power of doubt in deepening our honest search for the Lord and personal inspiration. <br /><br />The 'fake it until you make it' approach is the cop-out counterfeit to the very real process that is driven and maintained by love and uncertainty.<br /><br />Whatever the outcome of your son's struggle to be true to himself, I believe that you will love him and support him throughout his journey of discovery, just as our kind Father in Heaven does with each of us. Of that, I have no doubt.GeckoManhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04846438788253129899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-26759307632702290192010-12-31T17:52:56.811-07:002010-12-31T17:52:56.811-07:00Beck,
Happy New Year to you! I hope 2011 will be...Beck,<br />Happy New Year to you! I hope 2011 will be a year of meaningful events for you.<br /><br />A couple of thoughts: first, a reflection on your words--<br /><br />"All I can come up with is that I want him to find happiness in his service and find joy in his love for the people he is serving and to not worry about the rest. But that comes across as shallow and empty." <br /><br />Oh really? Why would you discount such advice as trite? Maybe because we often hear these sorts of things, that it's just considered 'Lip Service.' However, if this is tendered along with the authenticity that others have aptly counseled, it is precisely the right message. It's the meat of doing the right things for the right reasons. Hopefully your son feels and knows of the power of God's love and he can center on that in his testimony of what is true.<br /><br />Secondly, I align with JGW and others that doubt is an element of genuine faith and integrity. There needs to be uncertainty, humility and not knowing it all, in order for us to seek answers. I think when we don't doubt, don't endeavor to question and resolve, that we live in shallow and apathetic faith. Living with doubt is something any honest person has to learn how to cultivate. We can do this when it is coupled with hope. That is, to have faith in promised blessings and eventual outcomes, and be willing to let the Lord reveal to us his mind and will in his time frame. <br /><br />The 'fake it until you make it' approach is the cop-out counterfeit to the very real process that is driven and maintained by love and uncertainty.<br /><br />Whatever the outcome of your son's struggle to be true to himself, I believe that you will love him and support him throughout his journey of discovery, just as our kind Father in Heaven does with each of us. Of that, I have no doubt.GeckoManhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04846438788253129899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-38643216782734756152010-12-31T17:49:07.320-07:002010-12-31T17:49:07.320-07:00Beck,
Happy New Year to you! I hope 2011 will be...Beck,<br />Happy New Year to you! I hope 2011 will be a year of meaningful events for you.<br /><br />A couple of thoughts: first, a reflection on your words--<br /><br />"All I can come up with is that I want him to find happiness in his service and find joy in his love for the people he is serving and to not worry about the rest. But that comes across as shallow and empty." <br /><br />Oh really? Why would you discount such advice as trite? These are universal and true sentiments of a thoughtful friend and parent. Maybe because we often hear these sorts of things, that it's just considered 'Lip Service.' However, if this is tendered along with the authenticity that others have aptly counseled, it is precisely the right message. It's the meat of doing the right things for the right reasons. Hopefully your son feels and knows of the power of God's love and he can center on that in his testimony of what is true.<br /><br />Secondly, I align with JGW and others that doubt is an element of genuine faith and integrity. There needs to be uncertainty, humility and not knowing it all, in order for us to pray and seek answers. I think when we don't doubt, don't endeavor to question and resolve, that we live in shallow and apathetic faith. Living with doubt is something any honest person has to learn how to cultivate. We can do this when it is coupled with hope. That is, we can have faith in promised blessings and eventual outcomes, and be willing to let the Lord reveal to us his mind and will in his time frame. I would encourage your son to embrace doubt, and when appropriate, he can teach others from his own experience, the power of doubt in deepening our honest search for the Lord and personal inspiration. <br /><br />The 'fake it until you make it' approach is the cop-out counterfeit to the very real process that is driven and maintained by love and uncertainty.<br /><br />Whatever the outcome of your son's struggle to be true to himself, I believe that you will love him and support him throughout his journey of discovery, just as our kind Father in Heaven does with each of us. Of that, I have no doubt.GeckoManhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04846438788253129899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-47668642952974068782010-12-31T17:47:47.918-07:002010-12-31T17:47:47.918-07:00Beck,
Happy New Year to you! I hope 2011 will be...Beck,<br />Happy New Year to you! I hope 2011 will be a year of meaningful events for you.<br /><br />A couple of thoughts: first, a reflection on your words--<br /><br />"All I can come up with is that I want him to find happiness in his service and find joy in his love for the people he is serving and to not worry about the rest. But that comes across as shallow and empty." <br /><br />Oh really? Why would you discount such advice as trite? These are universal and true sentiments of a thoughtful friend and parent. Maybe because we often hear these sorts of things, that it's just considered 'Lip Service.' However, if this is tendered along with the authenticity that others have aptly counseled, it is precisely the right message. It's the meat of doing the right things for the right reasons. Hopefully your son feels and knows of the power of God's love and he can center on that in his testimony of what is true.<br /><br />Secondly, I align with JGW and others that doubt is an element of genuine faith and integrity. There needs to be uncertainty, humility and not knowing it all, in order for us to pray and seek answers. I think when we don't doubt, don't endeavor to question and resolve, that we live in shallow and apathetic faith. Living with doubt is something any honest person has to learn how to cultivate. We can do this when it is coupled with hope. That is, we can have faith in promised blessings and eventual outcomes, and be willing to let the Lord reveal to us his mind and will in his time frame. I would encourage your son to embrace doubt, and when appropriate, he can teach others from his own experience, the power of doubt in deepening our honest search for the Lord and personal inspiration. <br /><br />The 'fake it until you make it' approach is the cop-out counterfeit to the very real process that is driven and maintained by love and uncertainty.<br /><br />Whatever the outcome of your son's struggle to be true to himself, I believe that you will love him and support him throughout his journey of discovery, just as our kind Father in Heaven does with each of us. Of that, I have no doubt.GeckoManhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04846438788253129899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-46202405698482167372010-12-31T17:35:41.893-07:002010-12-31T17:35:41.893-07:00Beck,
Happy New Year to you! I hope 2011 will be...Beck,<br />Happy New Year to you! I hope 2011 will be a year of meaningful events for you.<br /><br />A couple of thoughts: first, a reflection on your words--<br /><br />"All I can come up with is that I want him to find happiness in his service and find joy in his love for the people he is serving and to not worry about the rest. But that comes across as shallow and empty." <br /><br />Oh really? Why would you discount such advice as trite? These are the universal and true sentiments of a thoughtful friend and parent. Maybe because we say these sorts of things all the time, that it's just considered 'Lip Service.' However, I would assert that this, if it is tendered along with the authenticity that others have aptly counseled, is precisely the right message. It's part of what's really needed in doing the right things for the right reasons. Your son shouldn't have to testify of anything he doesn't know for sure; hopefully he feels and knows of the power of God's love and can center on that.<br /><br />Secondly, I align with JGW and others that doubt is an element of genuine faith and integrity. There needs to be uncertainty, humility and not knowing it all, in order for us to pray and seek answers. I think when we don't doubt, don't endeavor to question and resolve, that we live in shallow and apathetic faith. Living with doubt is something any honest person has to learn how to cultivate. We can do this when it is coupled with hope. That is, we can have faith in promised blessings and eventual outcomes, and be willing to let the Lord reveal to us his mind and will in his time frame, and not necessarily according to our demand for answers. I would encourage your son to embrace doubt, and when appropriate, he can teach others from his own experience, the power of doubt in deepening our need to honestly search and ponder on how one feels about the Lord and to prepare for the personal revelation that the scriptures promise comes to all who diligently seek. <br /><br />The 'fake it until you make it' approach is counterfeit to the very real process that is driven and maintained by love and uncertainty.<br /><br />Whatever the outcome of your son's struggle to be true to himself, I believe that you will love him and support him throughout his journey of discovery, just as our kind Father in Heaven does with each of us. Of that, I have no doubt.GeckoManhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04846438788253129899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-15188282058405716432010-12-31T13:24:26.583-07:002010-12-31T13:24:26.583-07:00You have received some great advice. I agree that...You have received some great advice. I agree that you should foster your relationship with your son rather than pushing a "fake it until you make it" attitude. The journey of doubt is very similar, in many ways, to the journey of coming out for a gay man. That your son has confided in you speaks volumes. Just show your love and let him know your love won't change with his adherence to the Mormon path of finishing his mission.<br /><br />I understand your hesitancy at coming out to your son and how it may complicate the issues. I agree that this discussion should be about your son's doubts and not your homosexuality. Let him make his decision, show you love, and there will be another opportunity to share this with him. This is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and it will help ensure that later coming out will be met with love on his part.Mister Curiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00113134172902610883noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-9774029245283781562010-12-31T12:49:33.532-07:002010-12-31T12:49:33.532-07:00ROB: I hear you! Yes, I remember the day I met y...ROB: I hear you! Yes, I remember the day I met you and your kids, and the snowball fight thereafter. They are brilliant adorable gifts for sure! I knew of your anxiety in telling them. Thank you for your example in honestly dealing with them.<br /><br />No, you don't know all the circumstances and yes, my balanced DADT world is teetereing, and the Beck house of cards may begin to fall. I appreciate that my son will respect the honesty of my confession, but I don't want that to be a source of his own undoing. Shouldn't I want to encourage him to be the best he can be (even if he comes home) and let that be based on his decisions and choices and not based on a conflicted father in a double life? I would hate to have my issues influence him for the worse at his own critical moment.<br /><br />Maybe I should... maybe this is the 'wall' or "critical moment" I've been waiting for...<br /><br />QUIET SONG: Thanks so much for commenting. Doubt it part of the plan and we've accepted it as part of finding discipleship. In the end, it all comes down to love... no matter what, I will love him, love him, love him... <br /><br />and my hope is that when he understands me, he will also love me in turn.Beckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06159223254071653666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-9378604178347091052010-12-31T12:21:33.109-07:002010-12-31T12:21:33.109-07:00Experiencing doubt is the risk that humble human b...Experiencing doubt is the risk that humble human beings take as they walk the path of faith, I do not agree with the fake it until you make it people who contribute to the widespread blight of Mormon Status disorder within the Church. You can easily find general authorities relating stories of doubt they experienced, including some relating experiences of doubt on their mission. Your son will have to work through this on his own and with his mission president. If he then has to come home, well love him, love him, love him. It is ok to doubt, to wonder and to question, how on earth will we truly grow if we do not? We took the risk of falling into sin, experiencing doubt, and every single aspect of the human condition when we came here. Our congregations should and are filled with people experiencing doubt as well they should be, and, we should acknowledge that and move on.Quiet Songhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13242291365616236005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-13393090044504384092010-12-31T11:29:52.837-07:002010-12-31T11:29:52.837-07:00Beck, here's what I think.
You like being whe...Beck, here's what I think.<br /><br />You like being where you are. Or at least you're most comfortable living with the contradictions even though you fully recognize them and the stress they cause. If you wanted or valued some other circumstances or life more than your current "dilemma", you would already have taken steps to change things. This is a very natural thing for people to do; everybody wants comfort and security.<br /><br />But you didn't plan on confronting your son's doubts. They are the unpredictable factor now disturbing your carefully balanced personal DADT with yourself. And now you're going to have to decide whether preserving your own sense of comfort and security can survive the feeling of hypocrisy it seems you are already feeling if you don't tell him about yourself and your orientation as the reason for your own doubts.<br /><br />I'm not you. I don't know all your circumstances and won't presume to judge what you do. If there's one thing I've learned from coming out, it's to never presume I know what's in somebody else's heart or head sufficiently that I can judge them.<br /><br />That said, my own experience mirrors that of others: honesty is best in the long run. You and I met in person once, and that was the day that I told my own kids. And they said "okay, so what?" My fears of their reaction proved totally unjustified, and we have been closer as a family ever since because I know I don't have to hide from them.<br /><br />So based on that experience I would strongly urge you to be totally honest with your son. Imagine how much comfort he could take from knowing his own dad truly understands, even if the circumstances giving rise to that understanding differ a bit from his own. How much more respected would he feel by you if you did that for him. And if he comes home early, so what? Sure there may be some social opprobrium, but personal integrity should be worth it. And far easier for him if he knows that you completely understand and support him. I don't have much patience with "fake it till you make it" anymore. Authenticity is far better.<br /><br />FWIW.Robhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02992194211469009236noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-35311961217767496792010-12-31T10:17:11.006-07:002010-12-31T10:17:11.006-07:00BROR: I'm not so sure you want to stand to cl...BROR: I'm not so sure you want to stand to close to a "whiney bitch" like me. You might become one, too! :)<br /><br />JGW: This post isn't about my personal faith... it's about the hypocrisy I feel juxtaposed against the doubt my son is expressing which makes him feel hypocritical as a missionary who is testifying that he believes. That juxtaposition of doubting myself for my reasons against doubting himself for his reasons.<br /><br />I know that if used properly doubt can be a "fertilizer" for faith. I know I've used my doubts and gained strength in my belief. I know my son has, too, to an extent. My faith, my convictions, as I stated in my post have "come at a terribly personal sacrifice and price, and I cherish them"... <br /><br />What this is about is my conflict in how to tell him that... that despite everything, despite the pains of a double life and all the inconsistencies, inconveniences, and inadequacies that come with it, I still believe! How do I tell him that? How do I tell him that and not come across as the biggest hypocrite of all?Beckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06159223254071653666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-24656169540860916812010-12-31T06:52:20.096-07:002010-12-31T06:52:20.096-07:00Beck - I just finished reading Kiley's post ab...Beck - I just finished reading <a href="http://weweregoingtobequeens.blogspot.com/2010/12/desire-to-believe.html" rel="nofollow">Kiley's post about doubt</a>, and now this one...<br /><br />I have a couple of thoughts about the nature of doubt. First of all, in the last 100 years doubt has come to be a pervasive aspect of modern existence. By the way, I believe fundamentalisms of all kinds (Protestant, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Mormon, whatever fundamentalism you pick) to be manifestations of profound doubt and insecurity. The sea of doubt humanity is drowning in right now I believe to be the result of the messed up civilization we've built that is grinding the poor on every continent and trashing the planet.<br /><br />My second thought about doubt is that I have come to understand faith purely in terms of my relationship with God. Prayer and scripture study become a kind of Urim and Thummim through which I can see and understand the world around me. From that vantage point, it is the doubt that feels unreal to me. I realize that faith is about living into ever deeper levels of love and commitment. I am literally willing to give my life for true faith, hope and love.<br /><br />When I was in the MTC, I had a vision. It was literally a vision. It happened while we were singing a hymn at a devotional and I saw the heavens open. It was literally like the ceiling of the assembly hall just opened up like a curtain. And I saw the earth purified from sin and free of hate, oppression and slavery. And I had some sense of my whole purpose as a missionary being about bringing people into relationship with a living God which would enable us to achieve that world of pure love and justice. And I think of that as still being my mission now more than ever. I'm not working and sacrificing for somebody else's narrow-minded dogma. But to plant true faith, to help others enter into a living relationship with God... There's no sacrifice that isn't worth that.<br /><br />Doubt can become fertilizer for profound, powerful sorts of faith. Or it can just stifle us and make life unbearable with its stink, until we abandon whatever faith quest we're on in order to eliminate the cognitive dissonance. So no one's in a position to tell you either to keep "faking it" till you "make it" or to give up and try something new... Only you can figure that out...John Gustav-Wrathallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03557940681381951271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-59286599718722710512010-12-30T21:40:35.290-07:002010-12-30T21:40:35.290-07:00Beck, you can be a whiney bitch all you want, I do...Beck, you can be a whiney bitch all you want, I don't mind. The rules are different for us. We have more than boyfriend of the month in our lives. Keep on posting and I will always listen.Brorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17843077698642948401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-65800359218977751752010-12-30T15:29:51.385-07:002010-12-30T15:29:51.385-07:00I don't know that everyone will hit the wall e...I don't know that everyone will hit the wall eventually even though I certainly know the experience from my own life and have seen it often enough in others. <br /><br />I have an uncle who I think is probably same-sex attracted. He is in his 80s. He has been married to my aunt for close to 65 years. I have never spoken to him about this subject, but my guess is that he might have some Beck-like stories to tell.<br /><br />There are a lot of ways to get through this life. All of us are just winging it. I think the moral of the story is to examine one's life realistically and make the best possible decisions in each moment. One's direction may change over time, or it may not. It's something we all reassess day by day as we go through life.MoHoHawaiihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15086670779804942122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26181705.post-40262750923772902512010-12-30T15:01:19.858-07:002010-12-30T15:01:19.858-07:00CLIVE: So, at the rate that I'm progressing (...CLIVE: So, at the rate that I'm progressing (as Chester so adequately described as "perpetual dilemma") I don't see the wall being hit and torn from its foundations... unless something catestrophic happens... me being forced to come "out" to my kids, my son in particular. As this post has noted, I sense the day will come that that will happen, and sooner than later.<br /><br />Maybe it will happen if I allow myself into a relationship, but I've put up so many boundaries around my gay friends that I don't see that happening either.<br /><br />I've so carefully balanced myself between the two boats that unless one takes off or I slip from its deck, I don't know that I have the strength to pull down the wall.<br /><br />I am anxious to follow your next steps as you step through the rubble of your town-down wall.Beckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06159223254071653666noreply@blogger.com