Often, this blog becomes my rant on self-centered thoughts. I guess that is what this is supposed to be for me. This isn't my journal, or life history, a chronology of events. It is simply one slice of life focused on coming to terms with one small but crucial part of who I am.
In reflecting on the bigger slices of life, I am mindful of and grateful for all the good, the bounty, the peace, the love that feels my existence. Much of my life is full and rich and beautiful.
Instead of bemoaning the difficulties of my marriage due to my same-sex attraction, I am deeply thankful for a loving spouse who anchors me and focuses me on the "bigger picture", who strives to help me to become the best I can be, who loves me unconditionally despite my shortcomings and faults, and who sees in me her prince, her protector, her help-meet, her eternal companion. I recognize and am so grateful for her convictions and strength, her testimony and sensitivities, her devoted kindness and love for me. I am thankful for LOVE that I have for her - such love that makes me all the good and honorable and praiseworthy that I am, and I honor her and thank God that I was and am attracted to this one woman in a way that binds me together forever with her. This is my greatest miracle!
Instead of bemoaning the trials and struggles of raising a family of teenagers, I am grateful for my teenagers in my life, for their trials and struggles - they give me such focus on true joy, by helping them take the steps that grow and stretch them into the amazing people that they are. My daughter came home from college this week - how amazing it feels as a father to have the entire family around the table again, anchored in each other, knowing that no matter what, we are in this gig together and none of us are ever going to abandon the others. Life isn't easy, but family around us certainly helps ease our burdens. Some burdens right now are very heavy, very hard, very hopeless. I am grateful to be a father, the one calling from which I can never be released! My children are my greatest blessing!
Instead of bemoaning the fact that I have too much work, I am thankful for the ability to work, to provide for my family, to assist others along their way with my successes. I am mindful of the creative process that work brings to my life, and the joy in conceptualizing, developing and constructing positive environments for others along the way.
Instead of bemoaning that I'm not getting any younger, and desiring to relive my youth again, associating and longing for a life with my fantasy-boys, and being an adolescent in so many ways, ponytail and all, I am grateful for health, for strength to be able to do what I want to do, for wisdom and knowledge that comes from experience and age. And I have dreams and desires to experience and know so much more - I never want to stop living. I am grateful for life. I want to live.
Instead of bemoaning that I'm a gay man trapped in a hetero life where things don't add up right, and I'm left to fantasize and long for the "what ifs", I am grateful for the "gifts" I've been given, the "talents" that God has granted me, and the knowledge of Him whereby I can use these talents and magnify them as I seek to follow His plan. I do not bemoan that I am gay. I just sometimes struggle with how that applies to the Plan and where I fit in with what I should be doing with it. I may not have a trail guide, but I have the Spirit, and I'm grateful for those promptings to keep me on the path. This is a tender mercy. This, too, is a miracle!
Instead of bemoaning that I am all alone in these struggles along this path, I recognize how grateful I am for cyber-friends who I have come to know and cherish - electronically, telephonically, and in the flesh - who I have come to love as dear brothers and sisters, and who I hope to be able to lift and strengthen and help along the way ever as much as I have been lifted, strengthened and helped. We are not yet as Job, as we still have friends, we still have each other. Though some may bemoan the change in tone of this community, I see only hope as I have been given the gift of hope through it. If I may be so bold as to think that I might give that same gift of hope to others, I will continue on believing that there is a purpose for my being here chattering away in the queerosphere. I love you!
Instead of bemoaning that God has forsaken me, I am thankful for His love, for His Grace - that I am acceptable to Him, despite what I do, but also as I do the best I can with what I've been given...